Sunday, 4 November 2007

Guest Blogger: Steve French - "My Holiday In Oxford."

Hello there. Axl's gone away for a bit, the team say they don't know how long for or anything like that, but while he's away they're hiring guest writers to fill in for him.

I was thinking about going away recently. Canada had kind of lost it's thrill for me, I mean surely there's more to life than skulkin' around forests looking for ladies and eating people's dope plants, right? Well that may sound pretty awesome, but after a while it gets pretty boring, so I sneaked my ass on a plane and went to London. London is kinda big and I couldn't find any woodland. I'm told there are some gardens, but last time I broke into someone's garden to take a shit, some freak started fuckin' shooting at me. Now, I know guns aren't legal over there and all, but I sure as shit wasn't takin any chances.
London didn't appeal to me, so I saw this bus that was going to a place called Oxford. "Oxford." I thought. "Just like my favouite shade of blue polo shirts."
Then and there I decided I would get on, in the luggage compartment of course, and go to this Oxford place. I got out in a place called Gloucester Green, and was puzzled by the lack of any Green, or any park at all. It's a good job I'd taken a shit in that plane's luggage compartment on the way over, or I'd be fucking bustin' for one by now. Anyway after prowling around for a while I found a place called University Parks, and went in. It was a bit too open for my liking initially, but after eating a few birds & finding some nice trees to rest under, I thought things were pretty sweet there and I had a good nap.
Suddenly I was woken up by some douchebag goin' round telling everyone to leave. I thought I'd better get gone before a scene was caused.
I hate walking down streets. People always fuckin' staring going "What the fuck?" or "Oh my God!" or "What's that fuckin' cougar doin' on the street?" I'M NOT A FUCKIN' COUGAR, OK?! I'M A FUCKIN' MOUNTAIN LION, GOT THAT?! Jeez, humans are such fuckin' retards sometimes.
Anyways, I came to a place called South Park. Again, a bit too open for my prefered tastes, but heck, it's land and there isn't some dick patrolling it. I found a nice group of trees and slept for the night.
Anyway, after a couple of days of nice mooching around and relaxing, I started wanting a bit more than tiny English birds to eat. Seriously, what the fuck is up with English birds? They fuckin' tiny! How the fuck's a Mountain Lion like me supposed to keep going on them? "You know what?" I thought to myself, "I'm on a fuckin' trip here. I'm gonna fuckin' treat myself. I'm gonna eat a kid."
I hadn't eaten a kid for years. I'd forgotten how difficult it is. You gotta be real careful, you can't just rush into a group of kids, pick one out and run off, coz some hysterical bitch'll call animal control and you'll get put the fuck down. So I had to wait and pick my moment.

Apologies to Steve French, but we simply could not print the next segment of his blog. We hope he understands and is not offended. Alice & Oscar - Creative Consultants and Caretaker Editors.

I didn't have to eat for about 3 days after that.
Anyway, after a few more days, I kinda started missing home. I mean, Oxford was alright, beautiful lookin place and all, but it is full of assholes, man. I mean, I went around the place a bit to scope it out and that, and seriously, asshole central. Old rich folks bein' assholes, young college kids bein' assholes, poor people bein' assholes, regular people bein' assholes probably coz their surounded by assholes all the time. Oxford's quite a small place, too small for the amount of people they got there. Maybe that's why almost all of them are assholes. I dunno, it's just a theory n' all.
Anyways, I came back home and everything was still the same as when I left it, but I kinda liked that y'know? It was nice to get away for a bit, but home is where the heart is an' all that crap, so I'm back here now, skulkin' around forests, looking for ladies and eating people's dope. It feels like a pretty fuckin' sweet life again, y'know?

Written and e-mailed to the potato farm by Steve French. All rights reserved.

Additional: Steve French is aware that Mountain Lions and Cougars are the same thing. However, Mountain Lions do not appreciate the term Cougar, as they find it has derogitory connotations.

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