I, Han from cakeyvoice, am delighted to have been bestowed with the great honour of writing a guest post for the Potato Farm. Of course I jumped at the chance; I can’t swear on my own blog because my Mum reads it, but over at Axl’s, anything goes SO LISTEN UP YOU FUCKS BECAUSE THIS ONE’S GONNA BANG IN YOUR FACE.
I can’t tell you how excited I am to be inside of Axl’s blog. Wow, it smells funny in here. I’m just gonna make this one real quick & then get back to my own blog, which has a cleaning lady come in once a week.
Today I want to talk about STATCOUNTER. Now, Axl took a bit of convincing to install this on his blog. In fact, he flat-out refused when I first suggested it. But I, Han from cakeyvoice, KNEW that he would actually LOVE it, so in order to convince him, I sent him a list of keywords that Statcounter had recorded, detailing search terms that had somehow pulled my site into people’s search results. Do you have a blog? If you do, install Statcounter. It’s worth it just for this.
Before we start, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that if you Google COOLEST HANNAH IN THE UNIVERSE, I currently come up at NUMBER ONE, bitches. Yeah. I didn’t find that out on Statcounter though, it was via my own independent research. Because I wanted to know who the coolest Hannah in the Universe was, what of it?. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
Aaaaaaany wayyyyy……..What follows is a list of my Top 10 Favourite Statcounter Keyword Hits Of All Time. Let’s just dive right in.
1. BUMHOLE [note the capital letters. This is no polite request for bumhole. This is a VIGOROUS DEMAND, make no mistake]
2. Do elephants eat buns [you BET they do! You know when you see them elephants on the news, rampaging through Asian street markets, that's BUN RAGE that is. Caused by either too much buns or not enough buns, it varies.]
3. photos of people dead at christmas time ["...and here's Frank after that champagne cork punctured his eye socket in 2004...ooh, my hair looks terrible in that one..."etc.]
4. electro sex gloves [funnier in my imagination than in real life]
5. man burps to death [you wish]
6. bare buttock beatings of young males [YOU WISH]
7. dead pepole pics [Pepole. Hehe. I SEE DEAD PEPOLE]
8. what do giraffes do for fun [Dunno the answer to this. You don't see many giraffes at Alton Towers, do you?]
9. ginger biscuits with ugly faces [hey, woah - don't discriminate against the gingers, man]
10. round japan sneaking up on girls and pulling there pants down [errrrrr...]
Sadly, time constraints are compelling me to draw this special moment to a close. But if you're bored at work, why not try out my new hobby? It's like this, right, you go to eBay and type in the word ‘look’ into the search bar, but with loads of ‘o’s like LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK and then just when you think that that’s TOO MANY Os, you do the search, and then you have to look at whatever comes up. Like, they obviously want you to LOOOOOOK the most because they put all those Os in, right? So the least you can do is LOOOOOK. Today I found this STUNNING BURBERRY TIE – EX CONDITION – LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK (you should read out the title with the appropriate amount of emphasis, depending on how much they want you to LOOOOOOK)
which is 14 Os good, but is beaten by this 101 gearbox, Land Rover gearbox Looooooooooooooooook
featuring an astonishing 18 Os! Exactly the same amount of time in minutes that it will take you to locate said gearbox in the photo they have provided. Which scores me an extra 5 Os for irony. So there you go. The LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK game. If you can beat 18 Os (plus my 5 bonus Os), let me know.
Otherwise, cock off you knobbers.
Written and e-mailed to the potato farm by Hannah Simpson. All rights reserved. Hannah Simpson is the author of the blog "Cakeyvoice", which is one of the links in the "Axl Approved" list to the side just there. Or the adress is http://electricbiscuitonline.blogspot.com/