When did I start drinking doubles? I always used to have a rule. "Don't drink doubles, Axl. You get too drunk." This year however I seem to have taken that rule, slapped it about and thrown it under a train. Certainly when it comes to happy hour at Purple Turtle anyway. Oooof. So Saturday was interesting anyway. After sinking some doubles at PT with some work peeps, a few of us went to Three Goats Heads where I drank cider and met up with some other peeps too and went with those peeps, but not the first peeps, to the Vacuous Pop birthday gig at the Cellar. Peeps. Now, some of you know that Axl + Cellar = "Strawberry Brothers" consumption. Goddamn, I love that stuff. A bit too much. Yes, lots of it was drunk. I don't really remember a lot about the bands that played but here's what I remember thinking about them: Part Dinosaur: Alright. Ice, Sea, Dead People: Before they played I hated them purely because of their name. After they played I thought they were ACE purely because of their music. Really enjoyed them. Me & James had dancing times in one of the alcoves at the Cellar and some people a lot younger than us came over and joined in. We were like the owners of Studio 54 or something. Capillary Action: Pretty good. As my chum Mya pointed out, they sounded a lot like Youthmovies. Friendship: Made me go "YEEEEAAAAAAAAH!!" with their sounds. Loved it.
So that was the bands. What about the rest? Well, there me & James were sitting in the same alcove we pretty much always do, when these 2 girls came over and ask if they could sit with us. After about half a second of consideration, we said yes. We were doing the polite introductory chat thing. They went for a drink or to "powder their noses" or whatever, and James said that one of them blatantly fancied me. I said "Oh whatever", but was kinda secretly a bit chuffed. Anyway, the one that he was referring to (I can't remember her name, sorry), came back with another friend and we were all talking, and James did his very unsubtle thing of just walking off when they weren't looking, leaving me on my own with them. So I carried on talking, and they carried on talking back, and things seemed to be going quite well. They went off to do whatever they went off to do. A bit later, we saw her again with a third friend. She introduced this friend to me and James by saying: "This is James. He's really cool. And this is Axl. He's weird. I did think he was cool, but he's actually just a bit weird really." So it seems that I don't need a lent vow to be un-sexy. What's a man to do when he hears that? Drink more. I stole Mya's badge from her, put it on my coat and declared myself her "Number one fan", which I then shouted a lot to the tune of "Ready For the Floor" by Hot Chip. I got far too excited when "My Girls" by Animal Collective came on and grabbed everyone within grabbable distance either side of me on the bench I was on and did a bench dance with them while belting out the lyrics at the top of my voice. I talked general arse about nothing and then kissed everyone on both cheeks when I left, which would've been fine but apparently some people reeeeeeally didn't want that to happen. Oooopsie. What does Axl do when he's drunk and embarrassed? Drinks more and then embarrasses himself more. And then leaves.
And then gets a kebab. Urgh. I'm about two kebabs away from getting "DO NOT EAT A KEBAB, AXL!!" tattooed on the back of my left hand. I almost didn't have one. I was 50p short, but the guy next to me gave me 50p, which was pretty sweet. Then we got chatting, you know the whole "What have you been up to tonight then?" kind of thing. Turns out he was down for the Oxford Folk Festival, which was on this weekend, for a gig with his band, Lau. Now, I'm almost certain that none of you will know who Lau are, but if you have any interest in folk then you should check out their live album "Lau Live" because it is ACE. And I told him this. He was off to the Half Moon, which was on my way home so we carried on chatting as we walked down there. We got to the Half Moon and he said "You've really cheered me up. Come on, I'll buy you a drink." So at 2:30 in the morning we walked into the Half Moon and drank with some mates of his (who, for any folkies out there, were members of Kate Rusby's backing band). Anyway, after pleasantries were exchanged I became apparent of two things. 1: I had run out of things to say and was a spare wheel in the inner folk circle conversations that were going on around me, and 2: I was incredibly drunk, and was swaying and couldn't stand up straight. But how to leave without seeming very rude? I resorted to the "Pretend you're getting a phone call and can't hear the person on the other end so have to leave the room to hear them better" tactic, and it worked. The problem was that as soon as I got out of the pub I could hear ringing in my ear. My drunken fumblings with my phone had managed to make me dial someones number. I hung up as soon as I realised this, and haven't heard anything from them about it so hopefully I didn't wake them (I did send them an apology just in case though). I have no idea how long the Half Moon was serving for that night, but when I left their night was nowhere near finishing.
All of which lead to an absolutely HIDEOUS hangover, AND I was at work yesterday, which was less than fun. Almost couldn't face meeting peeps for pub quiz fun at Far From The Madding Crowd, but I did and a pint of cider took me 4 hours to drink because I still felt pretty hideous. We came joint 13th out of 20 teams. We ate awesome curry.
So it was a weekend of fun, with some demoralisation and randomness thrown in. I'm not sure what the moral of this story is.
I just ordered me up a copy of BITCHES new release, a tape type of EP affair. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, A TAPE!! AS IN A CASSETTE TAPE!!! They did originally want to release it as a reel to reel, but couldn't get appropriate funding coz record companies were just a little too scared of that. PUSSIES!! ONE DAY WHEN ALL OF LIFE IS SONICALLY BEAMED INTO YOUR SPINAL CORD, YOU WILL PINE FOR THE DAYS OF PHYSICAL OBJECTS!!! Ahem. Yes anyway, BITCHES new EP is officially available NOW and you should all bend over arsewards to get yerselves a copy. Or go here: http://deathbombarc.bigcartel.com/product/bitches-cassette :and order one like some sort of normal person would. Why? What the fucking cock do you mean why?! Because BITCHES are two dirty great slabs of filth you would rather fight than fuck, but would rather drink with than either. THAT IS WHAT MAKES A GOOD BAND!! Sod all this "Which member of Girls Aloud would you rather sleep with" bullcock. Which member of BITCHES would you rather partake in Greek wrestling with?! THAT IS THE QUESTION!!! Answer: NEITHER!! They would both kill you and eat your dick. THAT IS WHAT MAKES A GOOD BAND!! AND their songs are dirtier than they are, FACT! Remember that family party where your uncle got too drunk and started shouting obscenities at your mum? That's BITCHES. Remember when you were in that club and you went to the toilet and you could hear people having sex in the cubicle? That's BITCHES. BITCHES will make your cock rock hard with their sonic annihilation. Then your cock will explode, and BITCHES will stand there pointing at you and laughing while you writhe around in pathetic agony, then write a song about it. THAT IS WHAT MAKES A GOOD BAND!! BITCHES are that band. BITCHES are fucking amazing. BITCHES are God's very own little guilty pleasure. Buy their tape. Do it. Do it now.
After the trauma of being so sexy last week, I have spent the last week trying to make sure I didn't make the same mistake again. It's been pretty successful. Here's a short list of the un-sexy things that I have done:
* Got far too excited and vocal about the fact that my local Tesco have started stocking Ribena again. * My body has obviously got in on the act because all of a sudden, I've started getting spots again. * Had 7 hours sleep over a three day period. People looking tired to the point of collapse are not sexy. * Cried. Crying men are not sexy. * It was the stockcount where I work on the 5th. There is absolutely nothing sexy about stockcounts. * Wore the same clothes far too many days in a row. This was purely by accident, but I'm sure it helped. * Turned up for work on Saturday having brought the wrong work top with me - the one that REALLY needed washing.
On Saturday after drinking with people from work, then my mate Emma and others at the Star, I went to a party. Being quite drunk, there was a risk that some sexy would slip out, but I managed to reign it in by; * Dancing like a knobhead in the front room. * Continuing to drink past the point of sensibility. * Taking a red pill someone gave me, having no idea what it was. Foolishness is not sexy. * Saying the words: "Look at them whispering to each other, gossiping about how they think I wanna have sex with them." That's not just un-sexy, it's downright embarrassing. But of course, that just makes it more un-sexy. * Saying very loudly to a friend that the guy they were trying to have sex with "looks like an oil-slick."
I'm sure there is more, but I can't remember anymore right now. I had an idea that I would shave half of my beard off, and also half of my hair, so that the left side of my head was still hairy, but the right side hairless. Then what happened? Comic Relief nicked my idea and used it in one of their adverts. Bastards.
I spent most of yesterday in bed sleeping and resting after the lack of sleep the previous 3 days. I feel thoroughly grimy and un-sexy. I might give up on this lent vow you know. It's just too easy.
(OK, I'll admit that this isn't a particularly sexy photo, but this is the only photo that was still on my phone that I took today. See, all the other photos on my phone were so sexy, that my phone has kidnapped them and hidden them away for use as sex slaves! Creepy bastard phone!)
Today I was thrown into jeopardy. Women were checking me out as I walked into town today. I was confused, what was going on? Was my un-sexy broken due to over-use? Suddenly I realised as I was walking down the street, that I in fact wasn't walking, but doing a sexy strut! Argh! I of course corrected myself as soon as I realised, but was worried about how long I'd been looking totally hot for. There was no way I could be sure, so I had to find a way to make up for it. To balance out the evil sexyness and tip the scales back in favour of my lent vow. Opportunity presented itself in Waterstones. I was looking in the comic book section to see if the 12th '100 Bullets' book was in... (Which it wasn't. I have been keeping an eye out for this for bloody ages and haven't seen it in any bookshop anywhere ever. Even Amazon never have it in stock when I look on there! Will I ever get a copy?!) ...when I noticed an attractive woman who had been browsing the science-fiction section, was suddenly partaking in some ocular browsing of my body! What's wrong today? I can't even look at comic books without being sexy! Thinking quickly, I came up with a great idea. I put my hand down my pants and started to scratch my balls. Knowing this might not necessarily work, I took my hand back out and sniffed my fingers in a really obvious way. (A friend from work once told me that one of her ex-boyfriends most disgusting habits was doing just this.) When I caught her eye, what do you know? She looked repulsed and soon walked away. Victory! With what had already been happening today, I decided I couldn't risk being out in public too much, so I went to the cinema (to see 'The Class') and then talked to myself as I walked home. I made a point of gesticulating, and got some very odd looks. But I wasn't keeping track of how sexy I had been beforehand! Did I do enough to cancel out the sexy vibes of before? Can I call this day a draw, or have I failed miserably?
Today's un-sexy verdict:- (Well) Hung jury.
ARGH! I can't even report on the day without turning it sexual! This lent vow is harder than I thought. Clearly all my sexyness I had been bottling up spilled out. It's a good job I went to the cinema. With that much sexy in such a potent state, who knows how many ladies I would've impregnated? This lent vow is dangerous.
So yeah, the film I went to see was 'The Class'. A French film about a year in the life of a class. You know, the film that won the Golden Palm at the 2008 Cannes Film Festival. It's easy to see why it won; It's a very well cast and acted film, acted by people who aren't 'actors'. It's very believable and realistic (and yes, those ARE two different things). However, after the film was over I did get a feeling of "What was the point of that then?". Aside from the film getting a bit boring, there are big questions left frustratingly unanswered and there is no real sense of the chronology of the film. We are told intermittently that we are so-and-so months into the term very casually, but with no real sense that any time has actually passed. Attitudes towards teacher and pupils change without any explanation why or how, and there is no real sense that anyone has grown, developed or changed throughout the whole film, apart from one where-the-hell-did-that-come-from moment at the end when a character... well I won't spoil it for you just in case you do see it. Which all makes for a film that is quite frustrating in many ways.
This is pretty much what I look like today. It's definitely how I feel.
Ok, so I have no idea if I'm still ill and it's just been previously covered with being drunk, or if the levels of booze recently consumed have led to a second day of hungover body madness, but whichever it is I am not getting out of bed. Well, maybe to go to Tesco for some juice etc, but college and socialising can go fuck themselves today. (Hmmm... Maybe I should do some of that college work that I've gotten really behind on.)
Scruffy beard - check. Stupid hair - check. Weirdest feeling hangover of my life - check.
All of which led to me looking like this this morning. That is a definite un-sexy win. Look, you can see the toothpaste on my lips and everything. That was an accident! See? It has already become natural to me to be that un-sexy! This lent vow is gonna be a piece of piss.
So, even tho it's Sunday, I figured I would still be un-sexy due to the facts that a) I started my lent abstinence 2 or 3 days late, and b) After being drunk for about 38 hours, I had a monstrous but bizarre hangover. Waking up feeling like I did, I decided yesterdays tactics were not to be repeated today. So there was no breakfast booze, no lunchtime booze, no any booze. Just a hangover that felt, well, very weird. For a lot of today it has felt like people have been inside my body with those metal hand whisks and have been trying to turn everything inside my skin into an Axl meringue. Lying in bed this morning was the closest I've ever come to feeling weightless. Here was how I described this hangover on Twitter:
"Wow, now THIS is a hangover."
"My lungs sound like the Tardis."
"I want to take off my head and throw it across the room." "It's like I'm experiencing my limbs for the first time."
"My internals feel like a swimming pool, and someone is trying to stab their way thru my chest. Work should be fun today."
Oh, and work sure was fun. This was a great recipe for being un-sexy as I was basically an undignified mess all day. And I had a McDonalds for lunch, which as everyone knows is one of the least sexy types of food you can eat.
And that's it really. All I can can say about today really is that it was a resounding un-sexy SUCCESS!!
So, a lot of booze on Friday led to a wake up of still a bit drunk on Saturday with a little hangover. What better time to capitalise on my lent vow? Breakfast was a bowl of Kellog's 'Fruit & Fibre' and 2 glasses of port and was followed by no shower, which led to me looking like this on my way to work. Wow. How quickly someone can change! Compare that to the photo in the last post that was taken on Thursday. Gone is the youthful, sexy image. In comes a haggard old drunkard. This was so far going pretty well. Or not. You see, the reason I made such an effort in the morning was because I'd had an unbelievably sexy dream during the night (I would go so far as to say it was one of the sexiest dreams I've ever had), and my guilt was working overtime. I got to work and told people about how I'm giving up being sexy for lent. I knew I could count on my colleages for moral support. Hmmm... yeah. So it was a day of piss-takes from colleages and Andy trying to grope me. I did a fair ammount of yawning and mild uselessness at work to make sure no customers found me sexy. Oooooh, but what's this? Pub after work? What better way to be un-sexy than to get drunk and annoying/obnoxious? Not too much tho, and I think I managed to strike the right balance, being funny with just enough obnoxiousness to make people not mad at me but also not thinking "Hmmm, this man could laugh me into a state of no clothes sexiness."