Friday, 27 February 2009

For Lent This Year, I'm Giving Up Being Sexy.

It's gonna be tough, I know,
but I am still allowed to be sexy on Sundays apparently.
That takes the pressure off a little.
I mean, look at me.
That will be one hard vow to keep up if I don't have a little time to release all those sexy vibes of mine.
Look at that photo again.
Doesn't that just make you want me, right now?
Hell, I want myself!
This vow is gonna be a hard one to keep up alright.
(I would make an erection joke, but I'm not being sexy, remember?)
Any tips on how I can be less sexy would be very much appreciated.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Axl's Worries.

Seems I can't just be allowed to be excited about anything anymore. There always has to be a twist. The 2 main things this applies to right now are:

Watchmen: I was well excited about this film, but over the last couple of days I've become pretty sceptical about some of the things I've heard. The main point being that they've changed the ending. How much have they changed it? I don't really want them dicking around with it. The ending of the comic book was, well, pretty phenomenal just like the rest of it. One of my most disappointing cinema going moments was when I went to see The Beach, which at the time was my favourite book. They dicked around so much with what actually happened in it, that it was barely recognisable as the book I had loved so much. Now I am worried that by dicking around with the ending of Watchmen, I will get the same feeling. That and the fact that the 9 clips from the film on the Collider website are all pretty dodgy in my opinion, but hey, I'll try not to dwell on that and hope that it's just because they're out of the context of the whole film. Oh, and all that slo-mo, if that goes thru the whole film, as I've heard/read that it does, that's gonna get real annoying.

The Green Hornet: A film of the fictional crime fighter that I've never paid much attention to, so why am I excited about this? Because it's just been announced that it's going to be directed by MICHEL GONDRY!! For those of you who don't know, Michel Gondry is one of my all time heroes. Which leaves the question, where's the worry Axl? Well, it's also reportedly starring and being produced by Seth Rogen. As in "Knocked Up" Seth Rogen. Now, I'm hoping that Michel Gondry can somehow make Seth Rogen tone himself down a bit, (hey, he managed it with Jack Black didn't he?) but with Rogen also producing I really can't see how this combo will work. I pray that Rogen will realise why Gondry has been chosen as director and will back off. I would hate to see Gondry reduced to directing another one of Rogen's pathetic base-level comedies, although having said that, I trust that Gondry wouldn't let that happen to himself. I don't know, it's a project that I will need some convincing with. BUT, with Michel Gondry directing, I am automatically very excited, no matter how much apprehension comes along with it.

So, excited or nervous? Either way, I will be going to see both of these films (provided MG doesn't drop out of GH of course). I just hope that when I do I won't be writing more "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" style blogs about how much of a let down they are.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Axl The Doodlebug.

Wow, I haven't been this ill for a long time. My body clock and thermometer are both fucked and I can't quite make sense of anything. I keep zoning out and there's a community of ants that have taken residence in my head and keep having Carnival parties. On top of that, an angry goat is eating my guts from the inside and Chun-Li from the Street Fighter games has been Spinning-Bar-Kick-ing my throat for the last 36 hours and my voice doesn't sound like my voice anymore (if anyone's wondering, my voice sounds like Bette Midler and Tom Waits having sex). Oh and this morning I can't breathe properly.

For some reason this has made me decide that it would be a really good idea to put up photos of doodles I have drawn this term at College.

If you click on a photo, you can see it bigger! Isn't Blogger clever?

1. Doctor, I Am Seasick!
2. Milx/Melx.

3. Way Out.
5. Witness Protection Program.

4. Kula Shaker Sound System.

6. Scheherazade's Third Year Part 1: "As Above..."
7. Scheherazade's Third Year Part 2: "...So Below."

8. The Angelfish Sings A Cup Of Tea.
9. Weak At The Knees.

11. Organic.
12. I Really Don't Think You Should Put That There...

10. The Ancient Volcano Grew A Plant On It's Side And Erupted Moving Stars Into The Sky. Some Of Them Fell Back To Earth, While Some Danced Off Into Space Where They Could Be Seen For Millions And Millions Of Years.

Monday, 23 February 2009

BITCHES at The Fox & Firkin - 19th February 2009.

(I started writing this at about 6am on Friday 20th, but was too drunk to finish it. I am currently very very ill and in bed, so can actually finish it now.)

There is some confusion. Shiva, the band who are meant to be headlining this night, have turned out to be too young to play the venue. Oh dear. In the end, after some confusion and changing of band times, it turns out that a replacement has been found. A replacement who have never played a gig before and don't even have a band name yet. I feel sorry for BITCHES and Hindley, as this no named, gigless and now headlining band are instantly forgettable, aside from the facts that a) they have a saxophonist for a few songs, and b) their lead singer looks like he should be in Kasabian, if their stylist (and I have have it on VERY good authority that Kasabian DO have a stylist) bought all their clothes at Primark.

Hindley, the band who were on before them, have a sound that I like. Their songs sound like a shoegaze Pulp. Remember when Jarvis Cocker did a song with Lush? Well this is like what it would have sounded like if they had collaborated about three or four years before they actually did. (I miss Lush.) Saying that tho, what let them down for me was the singer. I didn't personally like his voice. Or his lyrics. But I like the sound. (I'm a bit of a sucker for shoegaze.) I would've liked to see what they would've done if they were an instrumental band. Too many bands suffer for the feeling that there has to be a singer. If this band hadn't fallen into that trap, then I might not have spent most of their set either watching Blake owning the pool table, or staring at the really hot bass player and wondering what her nipples look like.

BITCHES were on who I had gone to see tho, and they were on first. I saw their first ever gig supporting Future Of The Left at the Jericho Tavern (now THAT was a fucking awesome gig!!). Now trimmed to 2 and with an insistently capitalised name, BITCHES sound like a cross between about 10 different bands, while simultaneously playing songs that none of those bands would. Scuzzy, dirty punk music. Blake sounds like his voice is coming from his bowels. Angry bowels with a bad case of IBS. "Guttural" is probably the best way to describe it, even though I don't really know what that word means. I just know that you'll all know what I mean.
There's something incredibly primal about this band. It's bullshit free, straight-forward confrontation. BITCHES sound like cavemen fighting dinosaurs. BITCHES are (you know what's coming, don't you?) fucking awesome.

BITCHES are playing in L.A. in April. L.A.'s gonna go fucking nuts for them.

Go here: :and check them out.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

I remember after watching 'Match Point' that I swore to myself I would never see another new Woody Allen film again. That film was so utterly painfully terrible, not to mention completely morally bankrupt, that I knew right then that he had completely lost it. It was upsetting for me because Woody Allen is one of my favourite directors ever, and a few of his films are among my all time favourites. But he hasn't made a really good film since 'Everyone Says I Love You' in 1996, which for someone who a) makes a film every year, and b) has such a hit rate as he does, is incredibly disappointing. There've been some quite good films in that time, but nothing to get excited about; 'Deconstructing Harry' was quite good but just a bit too massively self-indulgent (an odd criticism to level at DH without levelling it at say, virtually every other film he's ever done, but DH was just a little too obvious with it), 'Small Time Crooks' was fun but totally lacking in substance and 'Sweet & Lowdown' was good, but something just didn't quite sit right with it. Like it was Woody Allen watered down or something.
'Match Point' was the breaking point for me tho, and so the vow was made. It lasted 3 years. That makes 2 Woody Allen films I didn't see; the utterly abysmal looking 'Cassandra's Dream' and 'Scoop' the year before that. 'Scoop' was pretty easy to avoid considering it was never released in the UK. It played at one film festival, and then just disappeared. To me it seems like quite an odd decision to not release a film in the UK that was made by Woody Allen and starred Scarlett Johansson, Hugh Jackman and Ian Mcshane. Especially the year after 'Match Point' which did pretty well.
Then comes 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona'. A film that once again has critics telling us that ol' Woody's had a return of form. Yeah, like I haven't fallen for that one before. I saw the trailer a few times and thought it looked dreadful. So why did I go and watch this film?
Because a) friends of mine wanted to see it, so I went with them, but also b) I want Woody Allen to prove me wrong. I want really want him to make an amazing film again. One that excites me, one that moves and inspires me. I love Woody Allen and it pains me that he has become the film-making equivalent of The Rolling Stones, going thru the motions to portray a shadow of his former self.
I really wanted to be proved wrong, but about a minute into 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' it became brutally apparent that this was not going to happen.
What's right with the film: It looks very nice. The leads are hot. Especially Rebecca Hall who I now want to do all kinds of naughty things to.
What's wrong with the film: The world's most annoying voiceover (In one shot, we see that Vicky and Cristina are having dinner and are told by the voiceover that they are having dinner. This is amazingly one of the least annoying voiceover moments. The reason Woody Allen has chosen to do a voiceover, is clearly to avoid having to include clunky and pointlessly descriptive dialogue, but all it actually does is make you feel like yer watching the worlds most anally descriptive directors commentary.), dialogue that sounds like it was written by sixth formers (One review that my mate James read said that the dialogue sounds like it was taken from an episode of 'Dawson's Creek'. I can't think of a better way to put it than that. It includes lines and words that no-one would ever say in natural conversation. Some of the dialogue in this film is truly laugh out loud terrible.), a total lack of any likeable characters, and a stupid stupid storyline that just gets more and more stupid as it goes along - including an incident at the end that is so "Where-the-fuck-did-that-come-from?!?" that you want to eat your cinema ticket so you at least actually get something for your money and don't feel like you've been totally conned.
This is a terrible film. The only way to enjoy it would be to have it playing on mute while listening to some decent music (as opposed to that one song that plays over and over again in this film, which is kinda cool when you first hear it, but by the end of the film it is irritating as fuck). It may not be quite as bad as 'Match Point' was, but it is still just truly awful.
I made my vow again to never watch another new Woody Allen film, and you know what? His next film 'Whatever Works', stars Larry David. I fucking love Larry David, which means that I will break my vow and put myself thru this punishment all over again.

Fuck's sake.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Axl's Mum Had A Million Pound Idea!!

I'm so proud of her. This is her idea:

Make a film of Asterix, with Simon Pegg playing Asterix and Nick Frost playing Obelix.


Monday, 16 February 2009

Whatever Happened To Rachael Leigh Cook?

Remember her? She was in a few episodes of "Dawson's Creek" as a girl who was in a short film Dawson was making. Then Dawson fancied her, making Joey seethe with jealousy/anger. Then she suddenly went "Kthxbai!" and left the Creek forever. (At this point I should probably admit that, yes, I did used to watch "Dawson's Creek". Yes, I know it was irritating as fuck, and virtually all the characters were detestable and the storylines were stupid and the whole "What the fuck? No teenager on the face of the planet talks like that!" factor, but I still watched it. Like that friend that you would always hang out with even though they were a cunt.)
Then she was in the film "She's All That" (a re-make of "Pygmalion"), one of the main flaws of which was that, if I remember correctly, in order to show that Rachael Leigh Cook was ugly, they put her in a sweater/cardigan, trousers, glasses and had her wear her hair up. So basically, she didn't look anything approaching ugly. (Another main problem was that the film was essentially a vehicle for Freddie Prinze Jr. Thank fuck you never see that smug talentless little prick doing anything anymore.) Oh, and they introduced her into the film by having her trip on some stairs and dropping her stuff. HAHAHAHAHA!!! ONLY UGLY GEEKY DICKS EVER FALL OVER!! WHAT A LOSER!!
Anyway, even though she was in total gash, I seem to remember that she was actually pretty good in them, and was certainly pretty good looking in them, and it looked like she was gonna be some sort of next big thing. Then she kind of disappeared. She was in "Blow Dry" & "Josie & The Pussycats" which pretty much no-one paid attention to, and I don't recall seeing her doing anything since. A quick look on IMDB tells me that she has been doing stuff, but I haven't heard of most of it (was very surprised to see that she was one of the voices in the "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children" film though!), which for someone who was at one point seemingly being primed for big things strikes me as rather odd. Where were her superhero movie parts? Where were her Asian horror remake roles? Where were her mainstream rom-com leads? She could've made a mint in mainstream rom-coms. She was a lot better at acting than a lot of the leads that are in them.
Maybe she decided to turn her back on the mainstream and just do what she wanted. I hope so. I hope she's not just been cast aside by a cruel industry and is happy doing what she's doing. I miss you Rachael Leigh Cook. Come back soon, ok?

Friday, 13 February 2009

To Read Or Not To Read?

So, for those of you who don't know, I did my first ever reading of my own writing on the 3rd of this month. It was pretty fucking nerve-wracking even though it was just at my college's open mic night. I figured, y'know, where better to do my first reading than in that atmosphere? So I bit the bullet and did it. I read a short story called 'Oedipus Rex', and two poems, 'Pageant' and one that was the focus of a blog on here a while back, 'Fucked Up On Garlic Crabcakes'. All seemed fine and well, I had positive reactions and was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Then the other day, one of my tutors at college greeted my saying "Oooh, there's naughty Paul."
Naughty Paul? Huhn?!
Turns out that some people who were at the open mic night have been complaining about 'Fucked Up...', one person apparently calling it "The most vulgar thing I have ever heard in my life."

Now, I'm not really sure how to react to this. Should I be proud or ashamed? Defiant or apologetic? I've half a mind to not do an open mic again, while the other half is saying "Fuck 'em, it's an open mic night not some old persons social club evening. What do they expect? Come back stronger and don't let them fucking bully you.". Actually, after having just written that, I'm pretty sure that's the attitude I will take, which sort of renders this blog a bit pointless. Oh well, if anyone's interested here's the poem that caused such offence in the blog I originally put it in: : which also has an ace poem in the comments that 'degs' wrote as a reply.

And here's the address of a site page that has scanned images of a book called "The Recently Deflowered Girl" which is absolute genius. I first saw this a while ago and forgot to tell y'all about it. It's a self help book that I'm sure all ladies can relate to in one way or another:

Thursday, 12 February 2009

To Beard Or Not To Beard.

I've decided to grow my beard again. I've missed having a full on beard, so I'm gonna go for it.
There is just one annoyance about this. Other people.

If someone get a new hairdo then general courtesy means that even if you think it looks like it was cut by a severely tourette's affected 5 year old, you nod and still say it's nice.
If someone grows a beard however, people think they have the right to take the piss and/or slag it off to your face.

You don't. So piss off.

This Is The Greatest Video Ever.

Monday, 9 February 2009

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. Because That's What We Tell You To Do.

Seen this?

Better stub them doobies out quick guys, or yer nuts might be for the chop.

Hmmmm, it is a little odd though is it not that there is no real medical evidence given in the article. Oh, that's because it's just an initial study and scientific tests haven't been done.

So if there's no real evidence, why is this news?

It does strike me as just a bit wrong that this story can be published as news. News tends to imply fact, whereas what we have here is essentially still just theory. Anyone could do this. I could ask people on my English course how many of them have drunk more than their recommended units of alcohol in the last week, the go to a History group and ask the same question. If the number of English students who had was higher than the number of History students who had, what would be to stop me saying that there is a link between studying English and alcoholism?


And that's all this "News" story is.

If they do medically prove that there is a link between marijuana use and testicular cancer, then by all means we should be told. We need to know. If however all you have is the results of an initial test study, we don't need to know. It's not proven fact. All it is, is despicable scaremongering.

Ignore it.

Monday, 2 February 2009

"Considering King Kong" and "Snow In Oxford".

Yes, it's a double bill today. I was gonna write them separately, but the second one's real short so fuck it, you can have a double bill. Aren't I good to you?

First up: I've come up with a new party game. It's called "Considering King Kong". Basically what you do is, put yourself in the mind of King Kong at some point in his life, imagine what he was thinking and discuss your thoughts with others. For example, if you were to consider King Kong when he was at the top of the Empire State Building swatting away those pesky aeroplanes, you may well think that he might have been having some sort of existential crisis:
"What am I doing here? Who am I in this strange and unfamiliar place? Does the fact that I am questioning myself now mean that I have changed somehow? Am I going to get out of this situation alive? But what is life anyway, and what happens when you die? Isn't it funny how when you dream about your own death, you always wake up just as you die. Maybe life itself is a dream, and we do not die, we simply wake up into another life."
Now, I know what yer all thinking. "Axl, that's ridiculous. What kind of points system is in place? For a game, there seems to be no way of clearly indicating a winner." I was hoping to iron out this and other issues with initial testing, but the tests have not gone well. In fact, I can't even get people to play it with me. I think the main reason is that if you say to someone at a party or in the pub "Hey, do you fancy "Considering King Kong"?" they get the wrong idea and thing yer an arrogant pervert.
I will work on this though. I am sure that this is a good idea.

Second up: It snowed in Oxford today which was pretty exciting. However, it also snowed pretty much everywhere else in the UK, and considering how much snow everywhere else got, I feel like I've been somewhat cheated. Why couldn't we have had the snow that London got? Those ungrateful fucks have just been complaining about it all day. "Ooooh, it won't do. Why should our precious little lives have to be interrupted by this cold whiteness? It's not fair." Fuck you London. I would have happily had Oxford take that snow on top of ours. That would've been awesome.

I was gonna give you a bonus third topic, but I've forgotten what it was now.
I might be reading out some of my stuff tomorrow at my College's open mic night. I might wuss out tho. I've never read any of my own stuff on a stage before. It's a pretty scary idea.