Sunday, 26 April 2009

Owlhead & Idiotface. #2 - Hypnosis.

"Look into my eyes, Idiothead. I am going to hypnotise you. You are feeling sleepy. Just look into my eyes. The rest of the world just disappears, and you just become lost in my eyes. Your eyes are starting to feel very heavy. Let them close. Just fall into a deep sleeeeeep......"

"What the fuck are you on about now, bumlord? You can't do hypnosis."

"No, I've been learnin' 'aven't I? I been readin' this book that explains it all, and now I'm totally gonnas get you to make me a cake while standing on yr hands and singing the songs from "Phantom Of The Opera" but oinking them, like a pig would."

"Oh for God's sake Owlhead. Hypnosis isn't actually real in that sense, and even if it were, you would need someone who is a) willing to go along with being hypnotised, and b) susceptible to mind tricks of that sort anyway. Hypnosis can be a very useful tool for curing addictions and phobias, but only if the person really wants to overcome them in the first place. Essentially, if people didn't want to do the things they were being told to do in the first place, they wouldn't actually do them. You cannot actually control someone's mind, and to think that you could is totally ridiculous."

"It alarms me how closed off you can be to the possibilities of the mind, Idiotface."

Friday, 24 April 2009

Owlhead & Idiotface. #1 - Dreams.

"Hey, Idiotface, what do you think of this theory? The real world is actually in fact not real at all but a dream world? You know how sometimes you have a dream within a dream, well what if this life is actually a dream in itself?"

"Owlhead, that has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard."

"No, think about it tho. Right, you know how when you die in a dream you wake up? Right, well what if when we die in the "Real World", we actually are in a dream and wake up in the proper real world? And imagine how it would feel! You know how in a dream you can't really feel that much, well what if what we feel when we're "Awake" is in fact just a really dulled version of what true feeling is? Imagine the intensity of feeling just from doing something like picking up a cup! It's all very well you just instantly dismissing it, but actually think about it. It could be like that. You cannot prove me wrong."

"Oh for God's sake. Look, it's all very well you saying I can't prove you wrong, but you are the one coming up with a fantastical and ridiculous idea, and you can't prove in any way that you are right! All you have is a theory. A theory with no basis in fact. All you have is a belief that somehow, because you have managed to come up with this bizarre theory, that somehow makes it true. Jeez, stop being such a massive bummo."

"You are so closed-minded sometimes Idiotface. It really boils my piss."

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Time To Get Serious For A Bit.

(Now, I know not many people read this blog, but if this can help in any way at all, no matter how small, then it's totally worth it.)
A friend of mine is helping to organise/work on a charity gig for ChildLine.
They sent me this message about it:

"So, as you may or may not know I am working on a ROCK CONCERT for charity - that charity being ChildLine - so we called the concert ... ChildLine Rocks!

Last year Trudie organised it all on her ownsome and got the likes of Roger Daltrey, Lulu, Marillion, Thunder, Fish, Ian Paice (Deep Purple), Glenn Hughes (Deep Purple), The Zombies, and Russ Ballard and managed to raise over £100,000. Bob (Harris) compared the evening of course and auction prizes included a flight on the Iron Maiden 757, piloted by Bruce Dickinson for a trip to see Iron Maiden play live in Lisbon, a Led Zeppelin plaque signed by Robert Plant, a double-necked Gibson guitar from Jimmy Page, a Fender Telecaster guitar from Status Quo, a Gibson Epiphone Union Jack guitar from Noel Gallagher and a Gibson Les Paul guitar signed by all the acts and artists featured on the night.

RIGHT - so, the bar is raised and we've been working very hard on it.

ChildLine Rocks @ The Indig02 Monday 1st June 2009

So far this year we have:

Uriah Heep
Jon Lord (Deep Purple)
Glenn Hughes (Deep Purple)
Hot Leg
The Pretty Things
Sons Of Albion
Steve Balsamo
Andy Newmark
Mollie Marriott

All backed by our amazing house band - which is not allowed to be announced yet... and we're going to be adding a couple of 'NAMES' to that line up too!

We're holding a separate auction event at Bonhams Auction house in December.

Now, my friends - can you please spread the word and get the news out about this - either by talking about it with your mates, letting others know of our website - - or buying a ticket and coming along to The Indig02 on June 1st!!!

You can get them from or ticketmaster.

And it's all for a VERY GOOD CAUSE.

Thanking you!!!!"

So why should you be excited about this rather than any other charity gigs that you see all over the place? Well straight away I can see two reasons. One is that The Pretty Things are playing. The Pretty Things made the album "S.F. Sorrow" which is one of the best albums that I still don't own. It is one of those unsung British psychedelic classic albums from the late 60's that people always forget about then see on some "Great British albums" or "Greatest Psychedelic albums" lists, then remember how good it is. The second reason I can see is that the Hammond organ player from the legendary Deep Purple Mk II line-up, Jon Lord will be playing. (Come to mention it, the line-up Glenn Hughes was in made a couple of classic Deep Purple albums too, so that's also worth seeing for sure.)
Oh and there is the fact that it's for ChildLine too. ChildLine is one of those charities that people tend to forget about, but really shouldn't because it is a VERY important one. Anything that raises money them is good.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Lucky My Cock.

It's one of life's eternal questions. Who came up with the utterly ludicrous idea that being shat on by a pigeon is somehow lucky? What part of having a bird's fecal matter on your person is in any way fortunate? I can only think of one situation in which that could be considered anything other than awful, that being the situation where you have just left the house wearing something that you really don't want to but have been forced to by a partner or parent/other family member, and a bird poos on this item of clothing. "Oh no, I can't possibly go out like this! I'll have to change." Saved from a day in clothing you don't like. That's it tho. There is no other situation where it would be a good thing. (Not one that actually would happen anyway. I don't want anyone saying "Oh, but Axl, what if some beautiful woman were to say that they would have sex with you if a bird shat on you?" THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. Don't try and be a smart-arse.)

The only reasons I can think of that this bizarre phrase/saying/whatever has come to be is that either:
a) Someone was in the clothing situation I mentioned earlier and told their mates about it, then when one of them was with someone who had a bird poo on them, they said to the poo-ee "Did I ever tell you about my mate...". Said poo-ee passes story on in a similar way, and through the "Chinese Whispers" effect it suddenly becomes something that is said to be lucky by people at large.
b) Someone who is really really cool once got pooed on by a bird, and their friends/followers had to come up with a way to process the fact that something un-cool had happened to someone cool. Because as we all know, cool people never have to tie their shoelaces in the street, they never stumble or trip on an uneven pavement, they never sneeze in public and have that gross thing where snot is hanging from their nose and they don't have a tissue on them so have to use their sleeve which leaves that streaky trail like a slug's been crawling up yr arm, no, nothing uncool ever happens to cool people, so an explanation had to be invented.

Seriously, why else could it be that that is good luck? What about all the other unpleasant things that happen to people? No-one ever says they give you good luck. Maybe it's because a bird shitting on you is quite a rarity.

I have only ever been pooed on once by a bird. An ex-girlfriend of mine once did a poo on my chest while I was tied to the bed. She thought it would be sexy. It was just gross. My bedroom stank for days.

Not really. Had you going there for a moment tho, didn't I?

I have only ever been pooed on once by a bird. A seagull pooed on my foot while I was at a beach. It certainly didn't feel very lucky. It just felt really gross. And it hurt too. I don't know what the fuck seagulls eat, but there were hard lumps in that poo. My foot was sore for the rest of the day. Is that lucky? No. It's just annoying.

I can see no reason for it to be good luck to be shat on by birds. I guess it must just be a way to try and look on the bright side of something really unpleasant happening to you. Maybe we should start saying that other unpleasant things are lucky too. Things like:
* Stubbing your toe.
* Stepping in dog poo.
* Buying one of those cold pasta salads from a supermarket or Boots as a quick and convenient lunch or snack, only to find that there isn't a little plastic fork/spork where there should be.
* Tearing your clothes.
* Losing a badge.
* Accidentally saying something offensive as a joke in the presence of someone who would be genuinely offended or upset by what you are saying.
* Having toothache.
* Having an ingrowing toenail.
* Being bitten by a dog.
* Being bitten by a mosquito.
* Burping up a little bit of bile into your mouth, then reflexively swallowing it back down which burns your throat and leaves an appalling taste in yr mouth.
* Hitting someone while driving a car.
* Being accidentally spat on in the face by someone who is talking to you.
* Getting a paper cut.
* Laughing drink thru yr nose.
* Forgetting you have onion or chili on your finger and rubbing your eye with it.

There are loads of things that could be considered lucky by virtue of being unpleasant. Maybe we should all start saying that they are. Might be amusing.

Friday, 3 April 2009


So I've been considering taking some creatine supplements or something like that to build up my muscles and make me look real buff like Superman. My main concern about this though is that, like, will it cause women to literally fall from buildings for me? Coz I don't know if I could save them if they did. Like, maybe I could save a couple of them, but I'm pretty sure I'd do my back in pretty quickly if it kept happening. How am I gonna save a plummeting damsel in distress with a bad back? Not gonna happen. I wouldn't be able to leave my flat even to go to Tesco if ladies were falling from great heights at me while I had a bad back. Also, even if I didn't do my back in and handled the whole catching a falling girl thing really well, it would probably get really tedious after a while, having to save women wherever I went.

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that after all then.