Wednesday, 26 November 2008

More Schoolwork.

With a lack of anything new to say, and forgetting everything I had thought of to write on here over the last few days (I really do need to start writing these down as I think of them), I'm putting up my latest piece of schoolwork. We had to take a nursery rhyme or children's story and write an alternate view of it. A more adult version. Darker maybe. Anyway, here's what I came up with. See what you think.

Nicolas by Paul Askew

I am Old Man Nicolas,
this is my life.
A year of near solitude,
just for one night.
A year of near back-breaking
labour and trial,
to give out some joy
to every child.

The night that my wife died
I cherished her hand,
and the longest of winters
fell over Lapland.
I distanced myself from
the workers, and here
I now spend all my time in
the company of Deer.
A year of near lonliness
drives a man wild
and it’s hard just to live off
the words of a child.

So now the sleigh’s loaded
It’s off and away,
time to give everyone
their Christmas Day.
Old bones in the cold
start to put up a fight.
How many more times
shall I see this night?
The sacks, they get heavier
every year,
my eyes barely open,
so tired, so weary.
I just about make it
and finish my rounds,
before I give in and
my eyes settle down.

I feel myself slump
to the left and then fall,
then feel myself weightless
as nothing at all.
I feel my head suddenly
clear of all clouds,
I feel my limbs dangling
above me somehow.
I feel myself calm,
so pastoral, so mild,
I feel my goodbyes
said to every child.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

The Secret.

This is a piece I wrote for my course. Feedback/opinions welcome.

Robin stood there, hands behind his back as always, waiting for Andrew. Andrew had told him to have the car ready for nine, but Robin was not at all surprised to be still standing there at half past. He checked his watch again. Nine thirty-seven. He heard the door and quickly put his arm behind his back. “Good morning, Mr Other!”
“Morning Robin! Sorry to keep you waiting there chap, you know how it is sometimes. It’s like a bloody chimp’s tea party in there. Now, Leeds today, isn’t it?”
“Yes Mr Other, sir.”
“Good Christ Robin, you’ve been my driver for five years now, can’t you dispense with the formalities?”
“Sorry sir.” Robin opened the back door of the car.
“Sir. Sir. I’m not your bloody schoolmaster Robin. Oh, I can see this will take some work.”
Andrew got in. Robin closed the door and then got into the driving seat.
“What is it today sir?” Ignition.
“Oh, some charity lunch thing. Orphans I think. Something to do with kids anyway. I’m only going because old Bollocks is going.” End of the driveway.
“Bollocks, sir?” Onto the road.
“Rupert Baxter. You know? Made a fortune with those microwave meals. Bloody good bloke, old Bollocks. Not like most of the nouveau.”
“No sir?”
“Sir. Sir. Sir. I do wish you would stop calling me that. Makes me feel like a total arse. If I had one wish, it would be that you would call me Andrew for once.”
“Sorry sir.”
Andrew growled. “Force of habit I suppose.”
Andrew thought to himself for a moment, then broke the pause; “You know Robin, I just realised that I don’t know anything about you. I mean, I know you’re not married and you have the world’s best kept moustache, but I don’t know anything else. Maybe that’s why you don’t call me Andrew.”
“Because we’re not friends, man. This is a one sided thing here. Well, it’s time to change that. We’ve got a couple of hours drive ahead of us, so let’s get started.”
“Tell me something about yourself man!”
“What would you like to know sir?”
“Oh I don’t know, anything! Use your imagination.”
Robin said nothing.
“Why aren’t you married?”
“I was once sir.”
“Really? What happened?”
“I’d rather not say sir.”
“Fair enough. Delicate business. Bit much to start on. Erm..... well what about school? Where did you go to school?”
“I went to school in Oxford sir.”
“Oxford, eh? I know Oxford well. Bollocks is an Oxford man, you know. Sends his kids to the Magdalen Boys, know it?”
“Magdalen Boys is where I went sir.”
“Really? Well there’s a coincidence. Enjoy it did you?”
“Very much sir.”
Andrew suddenly remembered Robin’s age.
“You’d have been there during that scandal, wouldn’t you?”
“If you mean the Mrs Lindstrom incident, then yes I was sir.”
“The teacher who got pregnant by a pupil.”
“Yes sir.”
“That wasn’t you was it Robin? Eh? Eh?”
“No sir. It wasn’t.”
“I bet you knew the scallywag who did it though, eh? Ah ha ha ha ha! I bet you did!”
“Yes actually, he was a good friend of mine at the time. Simon Greenidge. Truth be told sir, all of us were rather jealous of Simon.”
“Bit of a fox was she, this Mrs Lindstrom?”
“She certainly was sir. Body to die for.”
“HA HA HA! That’s more LIKE it Robin! You’re loosening up a bit! Now if you fancied her at that age.....”
“They were like heaven in a shirt sir.”
“HA! A buttoned up heaven! Brilliant! Ah, to open up the pearly gates, eh? Bet she let you know it too. Wear tight shirts did she?”
“Yes she did sir, white shirts. Usually with a black or red bra underneath.”
“One way to get you buggers to pay attention, eh?”
“Oh yes it was sir. We were always very attentive for Mrs Lindstrom, sir.”
“HA HA HA!! I bet! Excellent! Excellent! Oh, why has it taken so long for us to talk like this? This is gold. Pure gold, Robin. Right, we’re on a roll. Now, did you go to university?”
“I actually got into Oxford, so I stayed in that same city sir.”
“Really?! Bloody hell, what are you doing driving me around then?!”
“Well I...”
“What did you study?”
“Good Lord, what happened? How are you here now?”
“I actually never completed my degree sir.”
Whyever not Robin?”
“Oh you know. Reasons.”
“Reasons? What reasons?”
“Too hard was it? Weren’t up to the work?”
“No sir, it wasn’t that.”
“Money, was it?”
“No, I had a trust fund. Look sir, I’d really rather drop this.”
“Get kicked out did you?”
“Please sir.”
“Drugs, was it?”
“Look, I..”
“Beat up a lecturer or something?”
“Sir, I’d really rather not..”
“Played a prank that went too far?”
“Sir, please..”
“Vandalise the place did you?”
“Sir please, I..”
“Oh come on man, what was it?”
“Well I would really rather not..”
“Little scandal of your own, was there?”

There was a long pause.

“Well, I don’t know if I should be furious or celebrating?! Blimey! For the first time you call me Andrew, but blow me down if you didn’t just speak to me in the most appalling...”
“I’m sorry sir. Andrew. I’m sorry Andrew.”
Another pause.
“Well, I suppose I was pushing it a bit, eh? Ah, no harm done. Although I am awfully intrigued...”
“Please drop it Andrew.”
“HA! He calls me Andrew now. Brilliant. Oh, Bollocks will be tickled when I tell him.
Robin stifled a laugh.
“What’s wrong with you man?”
“Oh, nothing sir.”

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

This Has Actually Made Me The Happiest Man Ever.

I now believe in God. No more will I ever have to hear that piercing din from that talentless little gobshite. My prayers have been answered. This plague on Oxford ears has been cured.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.

Monday, 17 November 2008


Can't work out whether someone was saying this as a joke or if I was actually being threatened.

Guy: "Have you got a light mate?"
Me: "No, sorry, I don't smoke."
Guy: "You should do. You'd smoke if I set fire to you."

It was on Rectory Road and he had a mental look on his face. Like he was either on drugs or about to bite the heads of some squirrels that he probably has in a bag in his cupboard or basement. You know the look. There was a character in Father Ted, I can't remember his name now, the one who drove a sewage truck in one episode, robbed a post office in another, and wanted to kill a bunch of rabbits by putting their heads in a vice and chopping off their bodies with a samurai sword in another. This guy looked like him.

On a lighter note, I saw the Razorlight video again the other day, the one where they're all lighting matches. God, that is a fucking funny video. If you haven't seen it yet, please do. It is so sincere and done without even a hint of irony. It is the most laughable music video I can think of right now apart from the video to "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy, which wasn't as ego-stroking and wasn't anywhere near as unintentionally funny as the Razorlight vid, but is right up there because it is just so so so utterly pathetic, making it just as ridiculous and laughable, if not more so. And there aren't a lot of things that you can put Razorlight above The Prodigy on.

I've lost my point now. Anyway, watch the Razorlight video. You'll laugh your arse off.

Oh, and watch a German film called "The Wave" too. It's really good. A really interesting look into the system of Autocracy becomes a fascinating insight into the world of gang culture, drawing alarming similarities between the two. It's an ace piece of film-making, and I wanted to make sure I wrote that before "Waltz With Bashir" comes out and I get too excited to write about any other film. I cannot fucking wait for "Waltz With Bashir".

Okay, bye now.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Watch This.

My mate Tat put a link to this clip on Facebook.

If that doesn't work, or if YouTube is being as slow on your computer when you try to look at it as mine is now, then go here; which is where Tat found it. There's also a transcript of his monologue there too.

Monday, 10 November 2008

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

My course seems to be eating up all my time and inspiration at the moment. Sorry.