A bunch of boring boys just sang a boring and now it's adverts already.
Now it's attempting to make me care about someone because they used to be in a relationship and are a little overweight. She is not fat, but has probably been called fat in her lifetime, because people have a tendency to be fucking dickheads.
And now she is singing a boring song boringly too.
She looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream" when she sings.
Apparently it was a "Massive song." Sounded boring to me. Apparently she "Sang the heck out of that song."
Okay, maybe she is a little fat, but seriously, who gives a fuck?
And now it's adverts again?! Do they have an ad break after every song now? That's gonna get real fucking annoying.
I was on the loo. Who's this guy? In the rehearsal clips he looked like a cross between Matt Cardle and Chad Valley. Now he looks odd. And he is singing a boring song in a boring way. Is it boring week on The X Factor this week, or is every week boring week?
I don't know, I haven't seen any of this series. I've been avoiding it. Why am I watching this?
Oh God, he just did something really horrible with his lips that made me feel a little bit sick.
Apparently he's in a league of his own. I agree, if that league is a league of people who've made me feel physical ill purely by the power of lip quivers. Then he is definitely in a league of his own.
Why would you want to be in a league of your own? Surely that would be defeating the point of being in a league in the first place. Also, if you're in a league of your own, then technically it can't be a league, surely.
Wow! No advert break!
Who's this girl? She looks Irish. Is she Irish? She sounds Irish too. I think she's Irish.
Oh, and now we have a sob story. Yeah, go on X Factor, exploit this girls misery, why don't you?
She has a very odd singing voice. She sounds like a cross between a very lonely girl and an Icelandic wood imp. A bit like a childish version of Björk without any of Björk's vocal power.
The one out of N-Dubz just said one of the most trite things I think I've ever heard in my life.
Gary Barlow just sounded really creepy, like he's a teacher trying to fuck one of his pupils.
I stated cooking food and have come back to find a boy who looks like a cross between a Thundercat and a member of The Horrors singing very badly.
This is truly fucking horrible. I'm going back to the kitchen.
Back briefly. Oh, is this guy this year comedy entry? Okay, thing about Jedward and Wagner was that they were fun. This guy's just shit. It's kind of embarrassing.
Back now. Adverts. Did I miss them all doing that "Oooh, ha ha, I don't quite know how to react to the comedy act!" thing? I bet it was HILARIOUS.
OH MY GOD! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!
Oh no, sorry, just the next singer. Thought some really creepy guy had broken into my flat.
Mate, if I could see my heart beating thru my chest, I'd be straight on the phone to NHS Direct rather than singing some slushy love shite about it.
*Enter generic judge comments here. Same things all tv judges have been saying for years.*
I'm sorry, but he looks so fucking creepy.
(Dermot, this guy isn't going to understand a Hades reference. He looks like he barely understands his own underwear.)
Girl band. Let me guess, everyone hates them, right?
It would help if they didn't look like total idiots.
Oooh, graffiti. Is this going to be "Edgy"?
But they're not bad actually.
Oh. They just got to the chorus. Oh dear.
Yeah, this lot will not be bucking the "No-one likes the girl bands" trend.
The judges don't agree with me.
Oh God, please stop with the clichés, judges.
OH LOOK, MEN CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO COOK, HA HA HA.
(Actually, I am pretty lazy when it comes to cooking, so I myself do just reinforce this stereotype and am therefore in no real position to complain.)
WOAH, WHO IS THIS CRAZY CHICK? SHE IS MENTAL.
That's what I'm supposed to think about her, right?
OH MY GOD, SHE'S, LIKE, REALLY UNIQUE AND SHIT.
To be fair though, she can actually sing. She is clearly a better singer than any of the others.
Okay, there are more to come but I've had enough of this now. I'm going to the pub. I'm going to get drunk.
Bye bye X Factor.