Axl's still on his sabbatical/time off/holiday/break/whatever it is he's doing with himself, so I've been asked to write today's blog post.
Did any of you see the news on BBC1 this morning? It was pretty weird. There was a discussion/debate about women's underwear that hides and conceals fat and makes your body look more trim than it is. Then some guy from M&S was flirting with the woman doing the financial news buy talking to her about underwear. They followed that with a clip from Pakistan where a bunch of lawyers are rioting. I can't remember why but it was a weird clip. The general riot scene fodder, you know, police crouched behind shields, things being thrown at them, people running away, then you see whose actually rioting and it's a bunch of guys in suits throwing bricks and bottles. It was one of the most surreal things I've ever seen.
The thing was though I was eating some carrot cake, healthy breakfast I know, and I started wondering, who the hell came up with the idea for carrot cake? It's a pretty weird idea. I mean, you don't ever find yourself in a situation where you're at someones house and you say:
"Mm, this trifle's very nice. Might I ask what's in it?"
"Certainly. It's a pretty standard recipe really, but I added a couple of things to kind of spice it up a bit."
"It's really good."
"Oh, thank you."
"Well, like I say, it's mostly just a standard recipe. You know, you've got your sponge, your ice-cream, jelly, custard, cream, a bit of brandy, hundreds and thousands to make it look nice, I do think presentation is important, and then I added a couple of things like a little cinnamon, some nutmeg, there's some dried apricot in there..."
"What's the green stuff?"
"Oh, that'll be the broccoli."
"Yeah. I find it gives it a little more bite. A bit of body, you know?"
"It actually works really well. I'd never have expected it."
"I know, pretty weird huh?"
I wonder if anyone else has tried this vegetable/pudding combination? I wonder if across the world there are failed or secret recipes for things like Parsnip Gateaux, Potato Profiteroles, Brussels Sprout Meringue & Runner Bean Blancmange? Culinary bizarreness the world over that will never see the light of day because it's just too damn odd or revolting.
I just read this joke and it made me piss myself laughing:
Man 1: "Boy is my wife fat!"
Man 2: "How fat is she?"
Man 1: "She's so fat... The doctors pulled a 9oz 14lb human being out of her last Friday at 2pm."
I don't know why I find that quite so funny.
Anyway, I was djing at the Wounded Bat in Cirencester the other day when this guy came up to me with a record in his hand and said to me "Oi mate, play this tune, yeah? It's my new one! It's phat!"
"Who are you?" I said.
"Name's Jetison, yeah? Just puttin' this out, yeah, an' I want it promo'd and shit, yeah?"
"Jetison? Never heard of you."
"You wouldn't have mate, this is my first tune I'm puttin' out, yeah?"
I would normally have told him where to go, but suddenly I had this flash in my head. What if this guy's the next Burial or something? I could say I played him first! I had visions of being able to say I was the dj who launched this amazing artist.
"Yeah, alright mate, hand it over."
"Safe mate, yeah?"
I lined up the track, got the beats in time, and waited for the moment to drop it. I could see it now. The crowd would go ape over this new tune, everyone would want to know where I got it from, who's it by etc etc. I would make a name for myself and for Jetison right here, right now.
Cleared the dancefloor. I'm not kidding. It was dreadful. I gave it a chance, and it was terrible. I looked out to the floor and could see this guy who'd handed me the record with a couple of his mates laughing their heads off. I couldn't believe it. I had been set up. Someone had gone to the trouble of recording and pressing a deliberatly awful track just to try and get me to play it. And I totally fell for it.
I did the only thing I could do to get any respect back. I took it off, smashed that record up and dropped "Ghost Hardware." A bit of an obvious move, but I was left with no choice. People back on the dancefloor, my credibility regained. I am never playing a record by someone I haven't heard before. I may actually make sure I have a third deck with me from now on so I can test any tunes that are handed to me. Hey, I don't want to totally write off finding the next big thing do I?
I should've known though. Jetison. Who would call themselves that?
Well, I had more things to write, but I've got to go now. There's a meeting at our Village Hall tonight, and I said I'd make a Casserole. I hope you've enjoyed what I've written.
Written and e-mailed to the potato farm by Louis Freeehmannh. All rights reserved.