Thursday, 17 September 2009

Adventures In TMF (& The Hits).

I just saw the new Robbie Williams song on The Hits. It features a gospel style choir singing the lyric "Jesus didn't die for you." Wow.

Over the last three days I have been watching a lot of TMF, and some of The Hits too. If you don't know what these are, they are UK Freeview channels that mostly play chart music current, upcoming and 'classics'.
Watching TMF is like getting an education in mediocrity. There is however something oddly compelling about it. The Hits less so as they do actually play a genuinely decent song every now and then. I have mostly been watching TMF.
You know that phrase "Chewing gum for the eyes" that some people use to describe tv as? Well TMF is the prime example of that. See, with chewing gum, you get to the point where the gum loses it's flavour and you just keep on chewing for ages anyway because it's become your immediate habit. Occasionally you'll think about spitting it out, but you don't. You just carry on chewing long after you really should be. TMF is like that. I've been watching it (with occasional flicks over to The Hits) for over an hour and a half now. (As I type that, it is 12:16) I really should've stopped at least an hour ago, but it's become my immediate habit.
I don't want to sound like an old knobend here, but after a while all the videos kind of look the same and blend into each other. As a result of this, I think I may have become immune to women in bikinis.

The new Madonna video is on ('Celebration'). In any other situation, I would currently be thinking "Jesus, someone really needs to stop Madonna from writing her own lyrics", however some of these songs have lyrics that are either SO bad or mind-boggling, that even Madonna looks good in comparison.
Especially when followed by the Black Eyed Peas new song ('I Gotta Feelin'), which features the lyric "Fillup my cup, Mazel tov! Look at her dancin, just take it off!", and the new Mika single ('We Are Golden') with the gem "Teenage dreams in a teenage circus, running around like a clown on purpose."

Another lyrical oddity is the new Shakira single 'She Wolf'. The song is awful and the video is just kind of retarded, and at one point I was sure I could hear her singing about feeling abused like a coffee machine. Huhn? What was that? I looked up the lyrics online, and there it is, the lyric "I'm starting to feel a little abused, like a coffee machine in an office."
If you read the lyrics, and you really should, they are pretty awesome in a "What the fuck?!" kind of way:
Sadly the song sounds just awful.

All these lyrics and far far more that I've forgotten to mention (like questioning why in Sugababes 'Get Sexy' (which isn't a cover version) are they, an English band, singing the line "If I had a dime for every single time..."?) pale in comparison to the song with possibly the worst lyrics I have ever heard in my life. I'm talking right up there with all songs by The Killers and that Madonna song that says "If you don't like it, then you can eff off. Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf?"

The song I'm talking about is called "Now I'm That Bitch" (retitled "Now I'm That Chick" for radio and tele play) by someone called Livvi Franc. This song is so bad, that over the last three days I have only seen it once. Even these channels won't play it. Even their standards aren't low enough to plug this rancid dog's dick of a song. I could single a lyric out, but they are all just so so bad that you really have to have the full experience. But don't just take my word for it, check it out for yourselves. Go on. It's right there underneath this text and everything.

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