Tuesday, 17 June 2008


I completely had no idea what to write about, so 'Caela said I should write about turtles. Now, I know nothing about turtles, but I looked up turtles on Google, went to a site, and found out they can't breathe underwater. This surprised me, as I had always assumed they could. It surprised 'Caela too, tho' she then said it stands to reason, due the fact they don't have gills or anything like that. So turtles can't breathe underwater. Turns out they simply hold their breath for large ammounts of time. The longest I can ever remember holding my breath for is 50 seconds. I can't remember what it was, but there was this book I had which got you to do various things or something. I don't knoow, all I can remember is that there was a bit where it told you to write in how long you could hold your breath for. I was on a journey somewhere with my mum, and she timed me. 50 seconds. Not really very good, but I've never tried to beat it. I don't like holding my breath for any longer than I have to. My asthma gives me involuntary periods of not being able to breath, as far as I'm concerned I don't want to do something which is forced upon me in the most stressful way. Like, if someone put a gun to my head every now and then saying "Wank now, or I'm gonna fucking kill you.", I don't think I would ever have a wank of my own accord ever again. Well, actually that's probably a bad example, I probably would coz, well, it's wanking, but maybe if it was a delicious cake or something, "Eat this cake now or you're fucking dead, you cunt.", maybe I wouldn't be able to eat that cake again. Just that specific type of cake obviously, I doubt, I could be put off ALL cakes. Unless the gunman alternated cakes, a different one each time, that might put me off ever eating any cake of my own free will. But then how would you explain yourself at parties? "Yeah sorry Dave, I can't eat your cake due to the ongoing trauma of this guy who finds me, kidnapps me, puts a gun to my head and forces me to eat cake every now and then." No-one would believe that! I'd have to pretend I was diabetic or something. Sometimes I've pretended to not enjoy playing sports to cover up the embarassment of having an asthma attack. Seriously, last time I played football, I lasted about 3 minutes, before I had to stop playing coz I couldn't breathe anymore. Actually, that was the penultimate time I played football. The last time I played football, I made sure I was in goal so that that wouldn't happen again. I wonder if turtles get asthma? If a turtle did get asthma, how would it combat it? I've never heard of an animal getting asthma, although there is a record label called Asthmatic Kitty, who put out Sufjan Stevens albums, although most of his stuff is available over here thru a UK label too. Sufjan Stevens confuses me. Mostly, because I just don't get why he's so revered. I've got "Michigan" and "Enjoy Your Rabbit", which are quite good, have a couple of really good songs each I seem to remember, but the album everyone went apeshit over was "Illinoise", which I thought was painfully boring and unbearably twee. The creaming of pants continued with "Avalanche", which might as well have just been the sound of Sufjan yawning for an hour or so, although that would probably have been more interesting, especially if he'd been yawning into Patel Pretal's equipment. They'ld have probably made it sound like an hour long cuddle. Someone should bring Sufjan Stevens over to Oxford and hook him up with PP before he's had a chance to get over his jetlag. They'ld produce something awesome I bet. 62 minutes of warm yawning, he could name that one after a U.S. state that he finds boring, but very pretty. Seriously, if he's actually going to record an album for each state before he dies, he's gonna have to pull his fucking finger out. He is moving somewhat at a turtles pace. Turtle vs tortoise. Who would win that race? Maybe they'ld get so involved in a rivalry that neither would notice the hare slipping by on the inside lane. "Yes, I finally beat that damn trtoise!" he'd say, before someone pointed out to him that he wasn't actually part of this race, so it doesn't matter. I always wondered what happened after the story of the tortoise and the hare cut off. Did the hare learn the error of his ways? Or did he just storm around sulking and bullying the smaller animals? Someone needs to write a sequel to the tortoise and the hare story.

1 comment:

NKFR said...

Doesn't really finish the 'Hare Vs Tortoise' saga but may help.

Read recently that hares, having eyes opposite each other, enjoy more or less 360 degrees of vision, but with a catch. When they are being chased by predators, hares tend to focus too much on what's happening behind them, so when trees, etc appear in their way, they don't necessarily appear in their line of sight. Cue sound of coconut hitting cricket bat and one less hungry fox.

Maybe that's what really happened in the race against the tortoise - he didn't have a kip, the silly fucker just wasn't watching where he was going and was too proud to admit it!?