A lot of people who write about music really don't have a fucking clue what they're on about, do they. I opened up the Guardian Guide to read this week's Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn, and thought I'd check out what gigs they're recommending, and got reminded that So So Modern are playing in Oxford. Sweeeeet. Then I read their description of So So Modern. "Electronic madness with occasional melodies from New Zealand. Like an Antipodean Hadouken!, only slightly better."
There are at least three things wrong with this. 1: So So Modern have plenty of melodies and tunes. I'm listening to them now, and I think, yes. Yes. Definite melodies. Quite a lot of them too. In no way is it an occasional occurrence. 2: So So Modern's music is not "madness" in any real way. It's actually pretty accessible. 3: So So Modern sound nothing like Hadouken!. The only similarity is that they have guitars and synths. It's a stupid comparison. It's like saying Common and Jay-Z sound the same because they both rap.
I could add a 4th point and say that So So Modern are not "slightly better" than Hadouken!, So So Modern are in fact pretty much INFINITELY better.
The cd I have of So So Modern is being kind of reissued tomorrow. I don't think the ep "Friendly Fires" was ever widely available over here apart from as a series of seven inches from the Transgressive website, but Transgressive are issuing them now on cd with another series So So Modern did called the "000" ep's, which I had never heard of before. That's 8 more tracks I don't have! It's gonna have to be bought.
Also, at work there is a little review of the Alphabeat album to go on display with it, which quite frankly takes the piss. I can't remember it now sadly, but I do remember that as part of it's description, it says they are "jazzy" and "trip-hop" as well as about 4 other genre-specific terms that simply do not apply to Alphabeat. Alphabeat make pretty straightforward pop songs. The review makes them sound like some sort of cross between The Mars Volta & early Massive Attack. Which they sure are not.
Some of the people writing music at the moment aren't any better though it has to be said. At work on Monday, the music seemed even more depressing than usual. A Nickelback song called "Photograph" with some tear-your-own-face-off-they're-that-terrible lyrics. I just read them and can't bring myself to put them up on here. If you want to know how bad they are, go here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nickelback/photograph.html :although I really don't recommend it.
However, it got even worse. Two songs by the Jonas Brothers in a row. And for the whole rest of the week coz it's been "Album Of The Week" at work so we've had to listen to it repeatedly as if we're prisoners of war being tortured or something. They sound like an American McFly. But worse. I'm not even going to look for their lyrics, find them yerself if you fancy making yer eyes bleed just gazing at the sheer terribleness of what someone thinks are good song lyrics.
This repeated exposure has lead me on more than one occasion to say out loud to myself, "Jesus, you really don't have to have any talent whatsoever to write a pop song anymore."
In an effort to prove this, I've written some pop song lyrics. Here they are. I've simply called it:
SHITTY POP SONG
The first time I saw you I fell in love,
The second time I saw you I fell some more,
Third time around I fell in love even more,
And then I had to come running to your door.
I fell to my knees and told you that I love you,
You said you're sorry but you just weren't interested,
But I did not give up, no, I persisted,
And then eventually you told me you'd fallen too.
But now I'm worried,
Are you really in love with me?
Do you really,
Are you really in love with me?
Woah, what is the world coming to,
When I can't tell you how much I love you?
It's like we're riding in a car,
But the car lost control,
And now we're falling off the edge of a cliff.
Cliff was a good man,
And so was Hercules,
If they were here right now,
I'd take them for a drink,
And tell them how much I love you-oo-oo-oooh.
If I was Julius Caesar and you were Cleopatra,
Would you stay with me or run off with Anthony?
If I were a broken vase and you were my owner,
Would you glue me back together or just throw me away?
If you were an emotional cheesecake,
I would drizzle my love coulis on you,
Coz I think you're cool,
Even cooler than Steve McQueen in "Bullitt".
Bullet For My Valentine are a band,
You give me a funny feeling in my pituitary gland,
And my duodenum, Hey! Just for fun,
Why don't we go to the park and eat ice-cream?
Woah, aint it great to be alive?
Come over here and I'll give you a high-five,
Or a kiss. Missing you already,
Won't you come over and make my day?
REPEAT CHORUS ABOUT A FURTHER EIGHT FUCKING TIMES SO THAT ANY SANE PERSON WILL HAVE PRETTY MUCH LOST THE WILL TO LIVE. WHOEVER HASN'T WILL BE SUFFICIENTLY INDOCTRINATED AND WILL FLOCK TO THE NEAREST MUSIC SHOP TO BUY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WITH BAND NAME ON IT.
Worrying thing is that if someone were to put that to a pop tune and have pretty young boys singing it, it would probably shift bucket-loads and I'd be a millionaire.
Morals, eh? They sure don't get you money.