Saturday, 21 June 2008

Come Back Great Eskimo Hoax!!! All Is Forgiven!!!!!

Certain things I dislike so much they actually inspire feelings of hatred in me. I hate the band Arcade Fire. Hate them. Every time I hear them, I feel like my soul is dying. I hate the tv shows "Skins" & "Sex & The City". Violently hate them. Wish they were physical human entities so i could scream in their faces about just how much I hate them, until they go blind from the sheer volume of anger levelled at them. Hate hate hate. I'm getting angry just thinking about them.
A lot of things I dislike, but a few things I hate quite this much. The latest is the band Alphabeat. I just used to dislike them, but after having to hear their album at work today, they are the latest addition to the metaphorical Axl's Most Hated list.
If any of you have had the good fortune to not have heard them yet, then you are very lucky indeed. There is a joke in the film "Wayne's World", where Wayne asks Cassandra where she learned English, to which she replies "College! .....And the Police Academy movies."Well, Alphabeat sound like they learned all their English AND musical skills from watching the film "High School Musical" over and over and over again.
It's music for children. If you like Alphabeat and are over the age of 14, then you are mentally retarded.
A while ago I said that Great Eskimo Hoax sounded like a school play, but worse. This was way too harsh, and a bit stupid. Basically what happened was I came up with the line and just wanted to use it, and just happened to not be blown away by Great Eskimo Hoax, so used that opportunity to use that line, coz y'know, I've got this blog and I'm like sooooooo a proper journo and whatever, not just an overgrown kid whose read too much Charlie Brooker, HELL no.
So, Great Eskimo Hoax, I formally apologise, because Alphabeat actually do sound like a school play, but worse. I would rather listen to GEH for all eternity than hear one Alphabeat song ever again in my whole life.
Seriously, have you ever been awake at 6 in the morning and watched Channel 5? They show that Hi-5 programme, basically an Australian Steps sing songs to kids. That's what every Alphabeat song sounds like. They sound like they were genetically engineered by The Disney Channel.
Alphabeat are not fun. Disco is fun. You know why? Coz it's good aswell. Alphabeat are not good because they are not fun.
So why are they popular? Well, I've noticed a trend in Classical music journalism. Bear with me here, my point will be made. The trend is the mentality that all music is good and if there is a problem with the music it is down to the performers and not the music itself. Therefore, I have personally found, you have classical cds that get good reviews simply because they are performed well, or even just enthusiastically, with feeling. Whereas when you actually listen to the cds themselves, they are actually not that great, because the music itself is, well, a bit boring really. I think this trend is reflected in the mainstream press too, and hold up The Kooks, Pigeon Detectives and Panic At The Disco as my main evidence. I would list more, but I can't think of them right now. Bands who write terrible songs, but play them passionately. This does not a good band make. Sure, it might pass them off live, but recorded material is often a whole other thing. I've seen bands who've been great live, but pretty poor on record/cd/mp3/whatever, because their songs and material simply aren't that great. Music journalists seem to me to be getting a bit lazy and assuming that music is good because it is music, and it is the performance of a band that makes them good, forgetting that crafted music itself can be bad.
And Alphabeat are bad. Very very bad. They deserve to be sent to bed without their dinner. And no tele for a week. No, it's no good crying Alphabeat, you have been naughty and you must be punished. Now get out of my sight.
Great Eskimo Hoax can have seconds. And I'll take them out for ice cream afterwards.

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