Monday, 14 April 2008

My Birthday & The Great Eskimo Joke?

You probably all already know this, but a couple of weeks or so ago it was my newest birthday. Fun was had. A good night of boozing in The Star followed by more booze and dancing at DJ Derek at the Zodiac.
Went back to Micaela's. Being all drunk and talking bollocks about nothing in particular I'm sure.
Next thing I knew I was in an ambulance getting excited about a paramedic having purple gloves.

Basically I blacked out in Micaela's room and fell to the floor hitting my head really hard on her door as I did so. Apparently I woke up after about 10-15 seconds, talked about butterflies being beautiful, took off all my clothes, chased everyone a bit, and then went to the toilet. Then there was a massive thud heard by everyone as I fell off the toilet head first on the floor. An ambulance was called, I was helped to get dressed (cheers Rory!), then I was in an ambulance getting excited by purple gloves and apparently asking if the paramedics liked Human League. Then I sang Human League at them.

Hospital. Here's a handy tip. NEVER go to Hospital while your really really drunk. They DO NOT like it. I remember when I fractured my scaphoid bone in my hand about 3 or 4 years ago, one of the first questions I was asked when I went to hospital the day after my fall was "Why didn't you come in when it happened?". My answer was because I was really drunk. That and the fact that at the time my knee hurt a lot more. The doctor looked at me as if I was a total idiot for having slept on it (not literally on it) and gone in the next day, but now I'm glad I didn't, coz doctors and nurses HATE a drunk man.

ESPECIALLY one who doesn't want to take his clothes off:
Me: "I won't undress in front of you, my nipples are ugly."
Nurse: "Shut it, you'll do as you're told..."

If you do find yourself drunk in hospital, be prepared for them to find the biggest needle they have and stick it in your arm. I was on a drip. It was in there for HOURS! And it hurt like a bastard.
I HATE needles. Hate them. Until Trainspotting came out, I was unable to watch someone being injected on TV. I still can't sometimes. I especially hate having them in me. I remember being injected at school and I couldn't look at anyone else being injected and had to look away when they did mine. I gritted my teeth and pretended I hadn't felt anything, but really I wanted to cry. I fucking hate needles. So when I'm getting really scared coz they're about to stick the biggest needle I've ever seen into my arm and leave it there for 4 or 5 hours, the last thing I need is the doctor taking the piss out of me. Cheers doc, it isn't bad enough that my girlfriend's laughing at me and thinking how pathetic I am for being really scared and having to squeeze her hand while they stick the needle in my arm, I really need you being a total dick. I don't give a fuck if you have pregnant women in here all the fucking time who don't even blink at the process. You know what? They have a kid living inside them,weighing them down and giving them bad backs while treating their kidneys like footballs all day long and generally putting their bodies through immense pressure and pain both physically and psychologically. A needle in their arm is probably like being gently tapped with a cushion by comparison. And that's just those who are scared of needles. The one's who aren't probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if you'ld dipped their needle in salt first and squeezed lemon juice in their eyes while injecting them, all while giving them a broken glass enema at the same time. Being pregnant is probably one of the most unpleasant & uncomfortable experiences I can imagine, so don't go taking the piss coz they can handle something I can't.

If only I'd thought of saying that at the time

Actually, I'm glad I didn't. They'ld have probably put the drip needle in my cock or something.

After a lovely night spent at Chez NHS, I was informed I could leave now. Thanks. I was given a list of Head Injury Instructions which included things like "If you have unexpected blood coming out of your ears, go to your GP". Yeah, like I couldn't work that one out myself. To be fair it did have a lot of useful info on it, and explained quite a few things over the following week. And I had a headache for about 5 or 6 days. Nice.

All of which has lead me to not be able to remember a great deal of my birthday. Which is a shame, coz I remember that I was having fun up until I blacked out. It was nice that so many people came for a drink, and that a number of people gave me cards or kind words or messages. My favourite of these (even better than getting a singing David Hasslehoff card from Little Paul) was my message from one of Great Eskimo Hoax (can't remember which one of you it was now, sorry), who on hearing that it was my birthday, gave Mya a little message to give to me. The message was:

"Happy birthday Axl. See you in Hell."

Now, I'm not sure which reaction to have to this. It's one of two.
The first is: "Hahaha. Nice. I like his sense of humour. Maybe they aren't such a bad bunch after all."

Now, I'd like to be able to say that my instinct is to go for the first, but sadly, knowing this is a band who are willing to go to such lengths as to find someone on MySpace who has written something bad about them on a blog that averages 24 views a day (yes, that's right. 24 a day. And that's at my blog in general, not at that particular review. Hardly NME or Drowned In Sound is it? Hardly going to damage anyones career by saying that I think a particular band are a very poor excuse for about a thousand other bands that do what they do a fuck of a lot better now, am I? NO! SO GET A FUCKING GRIP! IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANY FORM OF CRITICISM WHATSOEVER, DON'T BE IN A FUCKING BAND YOU FUCKING DICKS! GO BACK TO YOUR BEDROOMS AND HAVE A WANK WHILE CRYING IN THE MIRROR! Don't look at me like that, you're the ones who made this personal. But of course, if there's one thing that people who can't handle criticism can't handle even more, it's retaliation. I'll probably get a letter bomb or something for this.), my first instinct is to go for the latter.

Maybe I'll be proved wrong. Who knows?

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