I'm not quite sure how, but the last paragraph of this post managed to get all fucked up and completely out of order. I've fixed it now so hopefully it won't happen again.
I woke up this morning after about 5 hours sleep on Blake & Staz's sofa. Trying to feel vaguely human, I scan my surroundings; a sea of empty booze bottles, spilled tobacco and mostly eaten packets of tortillas. In amongst it is a flyer for gig listings in London. My eyes stop at one band in particular, and my first emotion of the day is anger. There's a band advertised called We Smoke Fags.
Seriously now, what the fuck?! I've never heard this band and I instantly hate them for choosing such a fucking ridiculous moniker. Are these guys 14? Coz when I checked, that was the oldest you could be for that phrase to sound cool, and even then only if you were saying it to other 14 year olds, or younger kids. To think that a group of adults may be responsible for this ridiculousness, sickens me a little. We Smoke Fags. Why stop there? Why not go all out and call your band We Drink Booze or We've Had Sex or We Like Girls, Honest!
We Smoke Fags. There is no way on Earth that is a good name, no matter how you look at it. Either it's the worlds most pathetic brag, or it's some sort of knowingly smug dig at the perception of "Cool". "Hey, if we call our band We Smoke Fags, that would be, like, really funny, coz it's a really shit name, but coz we know that, anyone who slags us off for is, like, missing the point, innit. So like, no-one can ever criticise us, coz then they'll be the ones who look like idiots!" Any way you look at it, that is one odious band name. If I had my way, they'd be swinging from the rafters. Then, knowing my luck, I'd actually listen to some, like it and regret what I'd done.
Anyway, all this venom is not healthy for a stomach that was last night filled with a lot of booze and far too many tortilla chips. My insides were churning and making that gurgling sound that fills me with dread coz I know full well that I'm gonna be on the toilet for an unpleasantly long time. Anyone who's been in a place with me when I've needed and gone for a poo will know how long this can take at the best of times. A full half an hour later I feel a hell of a lot better. "Half an hour? That must've been tedious Axl." Well, no. I looked thru the copy of Bizarre magazine they had in there.
Bizarre magazine is a bit of an odd one. It says on the front that you shouldn't read it if yer easily offended, but I can't really see who would honestly get offended by it. Everything's presented in such a standard manner, that you instantly accept what is being shown to you. So eyelid piercings, balloon fetishes and Myra Hindley tattoos become everyday things. Bizarre present the offbeat as if it were the norm and therefore it all loses any sense of being bizarre. I guess that's the point of it though really. I just think it's very cleverly done. Well written too. If there were a music magazine written this well, well actually it would probably do really badly because no-one wants actual music journalism anymore; they either want gossip or pretentiousness. We need Lester Bangs to rise from the dead with a shotgun and take all these chancers out so we can start again. Although actually, he'd probably take one look at my blog and put me first against the wall. So maybe that's not such a good idea after all.