Sunday, 4 March 2007


WHY?! Why am I always ill? Does my body secrete some sort of virus attracting odour? Does someone keep putting a sign on my back that I don't know about saying "Infect me"? Well I'm not happy about it. I missed Enders birthday because of it. I missed a gig because of it. I missed going to a mates house because of it. I'm supposed to be going to Mr Riley's tonight but probably won't make that either. It all sucks. Not good sucks either, sucky sucky five dollar sucks. The only good thing about it is that I have been able to indulge in 2 of my favourite things. Soup & Malteasers. It also means that my sleep has gone all screwy and I ended up watching ITV at about 2 or 3 this morning and the generic late night quizline bollocks that suddenly seems to be all the televisual rage right now. Some attractive woman thrusting her boobs out to the camera while trying to fill airtime while they try to get as many calls as they can so some gimp can answer the ridiculously easy puzzle and win some money that seems a fair ammount until you realise how much they are making on each call and that the only reason every game takes about 10-15 minutes to get a caller thru is so they can rack up the calls and make the money. I wouldn't mind if it weren't for that fact that instead of filling the time with anything interesting, they employ some vacuous airhead to prance around saying the same bloody thing over and over again interspersed only with the kind of asides that you instantly stop yourself from ever saying aloud because you know full well that they just sound so utterly fucking stupid and/or terminally dull that to utter them would immediatly make anyone who heard it lose all interest/respect for you. I wish I'd written some of them down now coz some of them were absolute gems and I can't remember them now. I do seem to remember that at one point she started talking about her friends drinking habits. Oh, and when she wasn't talking, she was dancing to the generic awful music that they always have playing in the background. It kind of made me miss the days of Quizmania, the first of these type of shows that ITV showed in the wee small hours. It didn't take itself so seriously and had little fanmail sections and was generally alot more fun. It was still total shit of course, but much more enjoyable during those sleepless nights. Anyway enough about that.

Something that did make me laugh. My mum came back from Thailand and had bought one of those cats that they have everywhere with the moving paw that's supposed to bring fortune. Anyway the English translated instructions made me laugh quite a lot:

- One NO.5 battery for praviding the power, enabling to automatically beckon the hand for months, setting it at any position, never be offected by the lights.
- When it is in the initiative operation, please insert the fitted NO.5#1.5Vbattery into the bottom of the treasure-beckoning cat according to the inscribed polaritities. Then it can work immediately. The hand beckoning will automatically enter the stable condition for several minutes.
- Inside attaching poly luck-beckoning lyrics, sticking them for immediate realizations.
- Inside attaching several self-filled out creative and catchy phrases' lable paper
- In finding that the hand-beckoning stops swinging, please change the same battery with type number.

It doesn't seem that funny now I've written it out, but I'm posting it in the hope that on first reading, you lot will find it as funny as I did.

Right, I can't think of what else to write now.

1 comment:

matt said...

I'm imagining you sitting in your sick bed eating a bowl of soup with malteasers floating in it, like little, brown croutons.
And I saw one of those quizcalls where the guy pretended to try and solve the puzzle. He looked like he was doing panto with his slow chin scratching and intensely furrowed brow. Then he stood there silently for about 2 minutes. Idiot!