Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Axl, Oh Axl, Why Do Your Boxer Shorts Smell Of Olbas Oil?

That is a good question.

See, for my first blog for what feels like a while, I was a little unsure of what to write about. Over the last few days I have been mulling over possible topics in my head but none of them seemed good enough. Sure, I could moan about my job and the fact that they don't seem to know what to do with me leading to me spending 2 days a week in the basement and 3 on the ground floor with no real ties to either, but I try not to think about that. I could harp on about how the new recording of Mussorgsky's Picture's At An Exhibition is absolutely terrible and surely once and for all proves that Simon Rattle is the single most over-rated person in classical music today, but only about 2 people who read this will even have a vague interest in that. I could write up my opinions on an argument that some friends of mine were having the other day, but that would just get preachy and annoying. I've spent a lot of time on trains recently, but there's not too much to write about that. So yeah, good topics for blogging have been running a bit thin on the ground lately. Today I was going to write something, anything, no matter how bad it was, just to get this weight off from around my neck. But then it happened.

So it was about half twelve and I was at work when I really started needing a poo. Half an hour til my lunch break. No problem. Not for a pro like me. Quarter to one came and I was praying for Dean to come and let me go on my lunch. One o'clock came. Oh my god did I ever need the loo or what! A couple of painful minutes passed. Dean came. I almost ran to the toilet.


Boy did that feel good getting that out of my body. Ok, enough hanging around, this is eating into valuable lunch hour time!
Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck. Where's the toilet paper?
So, I'm left with a dilemma. What do I do now? I'm gonna have to pick the right moment and shuffle off to the next cubicle, trousers and boxers round my ankles, grab some loo roll from the next cubicle, shuffle back before anyone catches me in the act, or sees the total atrocity I have left behind in the bowl. Ok. Ready? Here goes.

Just as I was about to open the cubicle door, someone came in and locked themselves in the other cubicle. FUCK! What the fuck am I gonna do now? But at the same time, thank god they hadn't come in literally 2 seconds later!! Then I remembered! I've got a fresh pack of tissues in my pocket! Oh, how they mocked me when I bought a multipack of them and kept them in my locker, well who's laughing now bitches?! That's right, me.

Oh, I should warn you. It gets a bit erm....... detailed from now on.

Right, so I'm wiping my arse with these tissues. Now, the thing is, I've got those Lotus tissues which have olbas oil in them. You know, so that when yer nose is blocked it loosens up yer airways and helps you breathe more easily, and after a bit my anus starts tingling. No, not in a man-love-excitement way, in a weird way. Fair enough, I remember that time that I'd had to use about 3 in a row on my nose once and my nose was tingling for ages afterwards. It was just the olbas oil loosening my airwaves.

That's when I got really paranoid. "Hang on..." I thought, "What if it can loosen more than just airwaves?"
And so for about 2 hours I was really paranoid I was gonna shit myself.
I didn't, but it was a very relaxed feeling down there for a while.

So yeah, now I'm wondering, does olbas oil have a similar effect on the anus to poppers? If you wipe olbas oil on yer anus, does it work the same way as if you sniffed a load of poppers? If so, that would be useful for anyone who was gay and "straight-edge" to know.

Happy bowel-movements everyone! Remember to check for paper first!!


Pipsywoo said...

I feel so much closer to you now.

In relation to the no loo paper issue, I've often been found in this conundrum due to being a lady (not because of number two's, as girls don't do those).
I find that if you flush the first cubicle and wipe in the second, yes you waste water but not time or embarrassment.

Have you written to Lotus or Olbas, maybe you should? Maybe they could rebrand?

Craig said...

Dude, I hope i'm one of the ones who would find vague interest the the new rattle shit!

Cowboy Craig

Craig said...

Dude, I hope i'm one of the ones who would find vague interest the the new rattle shit!

Cowboy Craig

The Purple Gooroo said...

I just read that as I'm eating breakfast...

I got the whole Rattle thing as well--and I'm familiar with the looooong wait in the basement to make the pre-lunch toilet visit.

Seriously, you should approach Olbas Oil with that suggestion for their product..and ask for a cut for a "finder's fee" or something.