Sunday, 2 December 2007

Kiss My Species.

Yeah, so recently I went to a tree planting memorial service, where this particular burial site plant trees next to the buried as kind of a living headstone. It's a really cool idea. Anyway, I'm not gonna talk about that, I'm gonna talk about one of the oddest listening experiences I've ever had which happened in the car on the way there It was so odd, I had to make notes, which is why I can remember it so well. Writing in a moving car is a lot trickier than it should be.

I was getting a lift up there with our mates Jon & Dulcie, and Dulcie's car only has a tape player in it, which is a bit knackered. Anyway, she put a tape in of Air's "Moon Safari" album, but the knackered tape player was playing it too slowly, and the volume was too quiet for me to properly hear it, so what happened was Air ended up sounding in the back of this car like an experimental dub album! It was awesome! "La Femme D'Argent" sounded like an extended dub workout, "Sexy Boy" meanwhile sounded like doom-metal influenced psychedelia! It was mental! "All I Need" became a minimal dub soundscape with Beth Hirsch sounding more like Liz Fraser crooning. Jon opened the window to have a fag, which added to the lack of hearing, and made "Kelly Watch The Stars" sound just like a collage of early digital dub sound effects. "Talisman" sounded like a Nightmares On Wax outtake from the "Smoker's Delight" album, while "Remember" just sounded like someone walking through a windy graveyard while a deep dub bassline could occasionaly be heard. It was awesome! "You Make It Easy" sounded like another Nightmares outtake, but by now the quality was so bad that Dulcie gave up and turned it off. NOOOOO!!! I want to know what the rest would've sounded like!

I want to listen to it again! Instead I just listened to the new Sunburned Hand Of The Man album which is a real disappointment. It's a Sunburned Hand... album that says "Envisioned, produced, mixed andedited by Kieran Hebden", how can it be anything but amazing?! Unfortunately the sound of half-arsed dicking around plagues this album, making it the exact opposite of what it should be.
I'm gonna have to listen to Holy Fuck again. That album ("LP") is fucking incredible.

Anyway, we drove into a small town/large village called Olney. Olney is wierd. Very wierd. People only wear blue and brown in Olney. Some of the young people in the pub later are wearing black, and one man in the street has a red coat. Other than that, blue and brwn and nothign else. I feel like people are staring at me in my green hoodie, the look in their eyes tells me I am a suspicious outsider. How dare I be wearing crazy colours! Off with my hand!
Anyway, Olney's public toilet looks like something out of a 1970's Tomorrow's World episode. Metal toilets with no seats, the seat shape instead being sort of etched into the metal itself. It was a cold day, I'm really glad I didn't need a poo, sitting on that would've been unbearable. The sink one of those box-on-a-wall jobbies where you put your hands in and there's the buttons for soap, water and drying. You know, the kind that everywhere seemed to have until everyone realised in about the mid-90's that they were SHIT!
Olney has places called things like "Sandwich Land". Really?! What, is that like Disney Land?! "Come one, come all! Ride the 'Bombastic BLT Death-Coaster'!! Dare you face the 'Cheese & Pickle Waltzers'?!"
Are there schools across the country with lunchtime coversations that go:

"Where you going on holiday to Carl?"
"We're going to France."
"GUTTEEEEEEEEEEEED!! Mum and Dad are taking me to fucking Sandwich Land, innit!!"
"Aw man, you lucky shit-wank! I wish my parents were rich like yours."
"Yeah, it's pretty fucking sweet being me."
"Boo-hoo-hoooooooooo! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I wish I was dead!"

Or are we to believe that your shop is more than just a shop, that out back you have acres upon acres of free range sandwiches, frolicing as they please? A literal land of sandwiches where bread rules all? Don't call your shop "Sandwich Land", that's just stupid.

Olney also has things like a pub with a wood-chip ceiling, a building where you go in the front door and on your left is an antique dealers, while on your right is a dentist (?!?), and signs that say things like "This Flower Bed Is Sponsored By CAPTAIN CARPET." No joke, that was an actual sign. We never did find Captain Carpet. Me and Jon speculated that he might be a really rubbish superhero created by Marvel when they ran out of ideas one day and started coming up with rubbish superheroes. I can't remember what other ones we came up with now. I should've written them down.

Right. I have to get ready to go and get hideously twatted with the people I work with now. It's our Christmas party tonight, and things are gonna get real messy. Hopefully anyway.


Le_Gore said...

THIS is why i read your blog mate! Excellent stuff...great way to start a Monday morning with a coffee.

p.s. Becky's blog is far to well written it almost makes me sick haha

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