Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Catch Up.

Okay, so It's been a while since I've been properly in on this blog, but here I am to make things right again. I was gonna do about 5 seperate posts today, but instead decided I'm just gonna write one bloody big one and to hell with structural narative and all that stuff I'm supposed to care about in the efforts of making a good read.

So yeah, sorry I haven't been around properly for a while. You know what it's like when you buy a new girlfriend tho. Take it home, open the box, get all the parts laid out on the floor, get intimidated by the huge book of instructions, then after a few hours work it out and put it all together only to find that when you've finished, you've done something wrong, or glued something the wrong way round. She's in the reapair shop at the moment, hopefully getting fixed tho the repairmen are being a bit vague as to when I'll get her back, as they may have to ship her off to their Paris branch for certain repair procedures.
Then when you do have them put together and working you forget how much time and phone credit of yours they use up, but you don't complain coz actually you don't care coz they're awesome and yer just explaining why you haven't seen people for a bit/haven't been to the pub for a while/haven't been regularly blogging recently.

Anyway, there've been some things that have caught my bloggers eye recently that I'm gonna share with you. Quick question, why do Nurofen taste so good? Do they line them with sugar so children will think they are candy and get hooked on painkillers?

So anyway, the Spice Girls reformed and all that blah blah tour sold out quicker than Jesus' second coming blah blah single only got to number 12 ha ha. No what I wanted to question was this. We've had to endure their old hits belted out at work what with the best of/singles collection being released. (Why do people call them best of's when mostly they are in fact just a collection of singles?) Anyway, whenever the song "Spice Up Your Life" comes on, I'm slightly shocked at how, without a flutter or second thought, they belt out the line:

"Yellow men in Timbuktu."

What?! Sorry, I'm getting on a bit, my memory doesn't always work properly, but was casual racism acceptable in 1997? Surely this is the kind of line that should've died in the mainstream years ago along with "Mind Your Language" and Spike Milligan's really rather racist impersonations and oh-so hilarious songs that say things like "Ying-tang-yiddle-ai-po". Why stop there Spice Girls, or whoever it is who writes your lyrics? Why not go the whole hog and have lines like "Niggers in the bronx", "Yids in Israel" or "Pakis at Mecca"?!? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE, THAT'S WHY!!! TAKE YOUR FUCKING IGNORANT BULLSHIT AWAY FROM MY EARS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSES YOU TWATS!!!

Talking of twats, I was wondering something about the female anatomy. You know how if you're a guy and you go for a piss and you think you've finished but there was still a little tiny dribble hanging on in there that only comes out once you've put yer cock back in yer underwear and done up yer flies and it goes in yer pants and sometimes dribbles down yer leg making you go "Oh, for fuck's sake..." and you feel a bit wrong until it dries up and eventually forget about it, or maybe it's been so bad you've had to get some loo roll and mop it up off yer leg and the inside of yer undies just so you don't feel quite so rank? Well, I was wondering if that ever hapens to women, or if it's purely just a man thing? I asked this in the staffroom the other day and no-one would answer me. I would look it up on google but I'm scared of what it may take me to. So yeah, ladies, wee dribbles, do you get them too?

You know in the film "Men In Black" when the alien in that guys head is dying and he tells Will Smith that "The galaxy is on Orion's Belt" and it turns out Orion is the name of him or his mates cat? Did it never actually occur to the scriptwriters and filmmakers that it's attached to his fucking collar, NOT his belt?! Coz, and I don't now if you know this or not Hollywood, but CATS DON'T WEAR FUCKING BELTS!! Morons. "Oh, but that way it wouldn't sound quite so romantic and we wouldn't have had our conveniently misleading plot twist and..." SHUT UP!! DON'T BE SO STUPID AND LAZY AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR A CHANGE!!
Just for the record, I like the film "Men In Black". I think it's funny and well made and good and Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones are a good double and Linda Fiorentino is dead sexy like. Oooooh she is tho, isn't she. Yes.

Anyway, back to lyrics. That absolute ladies man Shane Ward has had his new album out recently. You know, he won that X-Factor televisual mouth-farting contest a couple of years back. I can happily report that his particular brand of vocal gas is as awful as ever, if not worse. Now, I must admit I didn't hear his first album that much, but I've been force-fed his awfulness in all too regular doses at work over the last few weeks, and the lyrics, WOW they are utterly appaling. I was convinced that Katie Melua's album would win Axl's worst lyrics I've heard all year award, but now I'm not so sure. Shane Ward warbles some of the worst lyrics ever written.
First up we have "We've got that you hang up, no you hang up kind of love." Now, what does this say to you, coz to me it says "We have an unbelievably annoying and irritating love that is sterotypically soppy and vomit-inducing and would make you want to slap us if you ever saw us together." Oh, but wait, there's more. On whatever-the-fuck-the-song's-called-I-really-couldn't-give-a-giraffe's-testicles, he not only sings "If we had babies they would look like you." - pass me the industrial strength bucket please - but then later sings "If we had babies they would have your eyes, and..." now brace yourself for this one folks coz it's an absolute gem, "I would fall deeper seeing you give life."
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????????? Is it just me or is that unbelievably odd? Is Shane Ward admitting to some sort of bizarre fetish here? Coz what he is essentially saying is that if he could watch you giving birth, he would fall more in love with you. Huhn?! Call me totally fucking mental, but seeing a woman screaming in unbearable pain as she tries to force something bigger than a rugby ball and far less aerodynamicaly designed thru her relatively very small vagina, probably tearing her pereneum in the process which is only going to add to the pain, doesn't exactly get my rocks off honey. Watching as a loved ones private parts become something resembling a car crash while people pull a midget victim of said crash out from them would not make me think "Wow, I never knew my feelings for another could run this deep. I now truly know the meaning of the word love, because I feel it like never before." It would make me wince. And squirm. And probably frightened for her safety. And almost certainly it would make me vomit.

That said tho, there is one Shane Ward line that tops all the others hands down. I didn't notice this one until Ham pointed it out to me, but yes, he really does sing it. Behold this line. You have probably never read anything quite like it. Here it is:

"Falling like chocolate stars in the sun."

I literally have absolutly no idea what to say about that.

I was gonna do a little review of the last Permanent Vacation gig, but Tim has already done one on his blog that is better than what I was going to write, so go and read his instead. Although, I will say I disagree with him about PNAK. I thought they were rubbish. Good drumming tho. Also, I had to leave before Elapse-O played coz I was virtually falling asleep on my feet. Read Tim's review on his blog. It's "The Process Of Weeding Out" in the "Axl Approved list there, or you could just click here:

I was also gonna do some sort of review thing about the Boris & Sunn O))) gig I went to on monday, but I don't really have time now, and I have to get dressed before meeting people for a boozy drink. I still plan on doing it though.

I'm sure that's enough for now anyway. Have a nice day y'all! xx


Pipsywoo said...

As for ladies and the wee wee issue. Most of us do not trip dry, unlike you disgusting men.

So no we generally don't have an after-dribble, although occasionally if you are a little drunk or in a rush, yes some times there is a little after-dribble but VERY RARELY!!!

antoine said...

a drunk canadian woman in a kebab shop in bristol said i looked like tommy lee jones. I am 28. tommy lee jones is 103. I was most upset.

The Purple Gooroo said...

Doooood! Didn't even realise you were in the blogosphere!

I'm digging on the blog..and Riley's as well...remind me never to go to Belgium without a secret stash of food...Yikes!

I've linked up the "Potato Farm" over at my blog

Catch you later, mang!


Rob said...

yes nurofen are coated in sugar so they don't taste rank. i dare you to suck on one til it's totally disolved. bet you can't. you might get mouth cancer tho so don't. but go on give it a go anyway. but don't really...unless you want to

Micaela Holly Anne Tuckwell said...

I do not appreciate being likened to a flat-pack item.

Fat Chan said...

Did someone say Giraffes testicle? I get that pesky dribble thing, I have to say I'm most glad I'm not's not something I've thought to bring up in public in case of getting beaten with sticks! Or is it just me and Axl? I think if you willy drip you should let yourself be known!!! Let's start a myspace!

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