So it's my turn for a guest blog, and hidden within will be my "chat show" that I've held on a few internet forums. More often than not when you read a Q+A you'll get this boring session where people ask lame boring questions no-one wants to know the answer to like "What do you do?" "Who are you" "Where were you the day that *insert major event* happened, and what did you feel" and I've never really been interested in shit like that.
No, that's what the Randomness Chronicles are there for, a mixture of non-standard questions to throw at non-standard people, and in this case my guest will be Mr Axl of the potato farm himself.
Rules are: 15 questions. Answers must be truthful, yet innovative and hopefully comic. That's it.
I'm guesting on the guest blog?!? Cool!
1. What's your favourite cheese?
Oooh, tricky one. I am partial to a nice Cambozola, but I wouldn't call it my favourite. I do love Haloumi, especially fried with leeks, yum yum yum! But then there's Ossau Irati which is a beautiful French cheese, I think it's made from ewe's milk. I do like a good stilton. But cheddar just goes with everything! It's perfect for virtually any occasion! Cheddar is blatantly the best cheese, but would I call it my favourite? I'll tell you what is nice. Take a whole Camembert, push some whole cloves of garlic in and bake it in the oven then eat it with some nice fresh bread. MMMMMM!!!! God, this question's difficult. I'll have to come back to it.
2. If you could open a funpark called "Axlland" then what three rides would you put in it, and why?
Waltzers are the only fairground/funpark ride I actually like, so I'd have one of them, sponsored by Jack Daniels, so I could get free JD. Secondly I'd have a ride based on the film INLAND EMPIRE where you'ld go thru a door and suddenly everything would go fucking mental and you'ld spend ages trying to work out how to get out but it would be really complicated and there would be singing prostitutes. Thirdly, the worlds largest ball pool. Coz they fucking rule!
3. Take any three people from real life...friends, celebrities, or whoever, and get them to work in your funpark. Who would you choose and why?
David Lynch to curate/oversee the INLAND EMPIRE ride. My mate Paul Heard coz I reckon it would be a right laugh running a place like that with him. Also I wouldn't get bored. And Scarlett Johansson. I'm pretty sure you can guess why.
4. If you could be any rockstar in the history of the world...who would it be?
I'd love to say someone like GG Allin, but I couldn't handle the eating my own shit part. Also he was totally fucked up. Justin Timberlake isn't really a rockstar I guess, but he is pretty much the coolest man alive, so I'm gonna say him.
5. The cocktail is the "Axl". What's in it?
HA HA!! I have already invented a cocktail called "The Axl"! It is a shooter made up of equal parts Tequilla and Benilyn Dry Coughs medicine with a squirts worth of lemonade. Slam it and down it. I came up with it when my desire to both get well and get drunk combined into a powerful boozy force. Tim famously threw up after having one. Tee-hee-hee!
6. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
As long as it doesn't chuck my wood, I don't really care.
7. Phil Collins or Osama Bin Laden?
Phil Collins could teach me drums. But then he'd probably teach me by making me play along to his songs. And although Osama Bin Laden can't play any instruments, his mid 70's albums are pretty awesome. Hmmm, tricky one that. Can I choose to have them both as siamese twins joined at the penis?
8. Congratulations! You've got the chance to rename the Moon. What would you call it?
High School Musical 3. Then I'd send all those little sods from those bloody films up there to perish. Apart from Vanessa Hudgens. She can be my naughty slave.
9. What's the musical duet you'll never hear but really really want to?
Nelly Furtado & Sunn O)))
10. Your funpark got closed. Bastard council. What would you build on the old site?
What?! Fuckers! Right! I'm gonna build a giant fountain in the shape of an arse and connect it to the sewers so it sprays faeces all over your district! Fucking council wankers.
11. You've got a short meet and greet with Thom Yorke. So short you can only tell him three things. What would you tell him?
I'd tell him that he should buy the Holy Fuck album "LP" coz it's possibly even better than "In Rainbows", I'd tell him the next Radiohead album should be a metal album, and I'd tell him that it was very nice to meet him, coz I wouldn't wnat to be rude to the guy now would I.
12. Invent a new swearword for me!
Juss. A versatile word that can be used as wank or fuck, so you can tell someone to juss off, but also have a quick juss yerself before going out.
13. It's Oxford United's charity match for...er...someone, and you get to choose the team of 11 men to face them! What team would you put them against? (could be any club, collective, or imaginative thing that pops out of your head)
The Mighty Ducks. And Emilio Estevez. And the Ghostbusters.
14. Where and when do you wish you were born?
I'm quite happy where I am thanks.
15. If you could do one thing to Steven Seagal, what would it be?
Give him a big kiss coz I bet he's a homophobe.
Well, no arguments there. That wraps it up for another edition of the Randomness Chronicles. Till next time...
Intro, outro & questions written & e-mailed to the potato farm by Jamie Ball. Answers written by Mr Axl.