Friday, 7 December 2007

Guest Blogger #14: Hannah Connelly - "I Want To Feel Included."

(i wrote this on the first day) why wasn't i invited to write a goddamn guest blog, you knob hole? what you don't think im literate or something? i'm gonna write one anyway. cos im bored and i want sympathy cos my kidneys fell out and no one reads myblog cos I DONT HAVE ONE cos im not a saddo. instead i have 3 myspace accounts facebook and laura ashley dresses in myebay (27 items currently).

im gonna mention laura ashley, in case a mr darcy reads it and thinks 'oh she's quirky, and slightly unhinged, and emotionally unstable, i will leave- but look she wears laura ashley- i will invite her to shoot things on horseback on my giant plot of private land where we will have romances (but i will bring a blanket as she is allergic to grass) and a pig farm and butlers to look for laura ashley on ebay for her and she will be very satisfied with my large knowledge (wink wink)'

(i wrote this a few days later) so my kidneys fell out this week. and i went to hospital and they didn't fob me off with the flu so i didn't have to call them cocksuckers and scream and drool in pain on the hospital floor again. my kidneys fell out and i watched an entire series of house in one day, ate a bunch of bananas and two pieces of toast in 5 days, my kidneys fell out and i considered buying this dress:

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now, what does that say to you?

last nite was my first out since being on antibiotics. i saw stornoway, who i really like. i am hoping brian from stornoway will ask me to do a duet with him. if i promise not to wear the above mentioned dress. i wonder if he reads axls blog. i also need him to tell me how to get a gig at the big chill house.

(the following week)
so do you know whats annoying about being a girl? one day when you have a 1950's body and you have to put on dresses over your head. cos they don't fit over your hips. or the ones that do don't go in at the waist. when did i get a weird old school shape, i was practically boyshaped in high school. like waify boy. it's really annoying especially when i am wearing glasses and have my hair done, cos it gets all ruined. i really hate that.

(the next day) do you know whats awesome about being a girl? looking like a 1950's thing in dresses instead of looking like a boy in dresses. c'est la vie.

my computer has a teddy bears head glued to it. and a foot. it used to have 2 hands and two feet and now it has a foot and a head. where is it's tail?

i have a fantasy where i give richard branson the Heimlich manoeuvre and then he gives me a trust fund and decides he would also like to adopt me and be my real dad. i even get new teeth. but i dont tell anyone im rich. so they aren't weird with me, you know? except they can prolly tell cos i have a HUGE bathroom and a whole room for a closet, and someone else does my dishes (who isn't my boyfriend).

this boy my sister used to date is drunk and sending ME messages cos he is in a fight with her or something. i think he's using predictive text without looking at it:

boy:Your rises isn't a vern nice sermon
me: what?
boy: ruined. she has
me: that doesn't make any sense
him: i would have done anything for .heir, but she gates me and i've lost her
me: ::stops texting adds to blog::

as a drug and alcohol counsellor i will leave you with some advice.

a- if you are drinking or drunk at y our computer, by yourself tonite reading this blog AGAIN cos you have NOTHING better to do and you forgot you already read it yesterday, you may possibly have an alcohol problem

b- do not use cocaine in your anus, it will destroy the mucous membranes and that damage can be irreversible leading you more susceptible to all kinds of infections, especially blood borne viruses.

c- please do NOT inject gel caps, they will congeal and you will abscess and possibly lose fingers or an arm.

(today) i have reread this and now i know why axl didn't ask me for it.


Written & e-mailed to the potato farm by Hannah Connelly. All rights reserved. Hannah Connelly is a member of the band The Vatican Cellars, who can be found here:


lex said...

when you watched House was someone ill but house and his co-workers couldn't work out what was wrong with them so they have a meeting and they think they've figured out what's wrong and give them medicine but then the person gets worse (much worse) and so House and his co-workers have another chat and after a period of wild speculation and (lots of) frowning, house or one of his co-workers plucks the correct, yet bafflingly obscure diagnosis out of the thin, thin hospital air and the ill person gets better, but House won't accept their thanks cos' he was just doing his job like, and anyway he hates all personal relationships so he's a bit rude to someone but they pick away and away and begrudgingly he accepts it and you realise he's not such a growch after all? PHEW!

Process said...

Yeh Lex I like that one too.

Hannah - it has a big gold bow!!!

Fat Chan said...

Don't forget that Billy from Neighbours will no doubt be appalled at House's lack of humanity! But then try and get with the girl doctor!

degs said...
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