Parachute.

You know what's a massive pile of rotten donkey's dick? The new Cheryl Cole single that's what. Well, I'm assuming it's the new single anyway, I heard it when I was looking at shoes in Schuh. Fuck me, that song is DREADFUL. But you know what the worst thing about it is? Yes, it's my favourite shit thing about shit songs, the lyrics. whoever wrote them didn't actually think about what they were saying for even a moment. I remember hearing a story about a song, I can't remember which song right now, but I remember that the song is FUCKING AMAZING. Anyway, story goes that the lyrics were written in the space of a car journey to the studio to record the song. This Cheryl Cole song sounds like she made up the words while singing, and while stoned.

The chorus:

'I don't need a parachute

Baby, if I've got you

Baby, if I've got you

I don't need a parachute

You're gonna catch me

You're gonna catch if I fall

Down, down, down.'

Okay, how many times have you ever had your fall broken by a parachute? NEVER. Do you know why? Because parachutes are totally ineffective on any sort of short fall. Cheryl Cole seems to be implying that before she met this person of her dreams or whatever, she would wear a parachute all the time in case she fell over so that it would bring her gently and safely down to the ground, which would make her stupid because there is no way that any parachute would be able to open in time and be in any way capable of creating enough resistance in the air to stop her from falling right smack crack on the ground hard.

Or maybe she has the confidence in this human that she would be willing to jump out of an aeroplane without a parachute and would simply count on him catching her before she crashed into the ground and she would be safe. This would also be really fucking stupid, because unless the person in question was Clark Kent she would not only plummet to her death but in attempting to catch her, the person she loved would probably die from having a pop singer falling into them from several thousand feet up in the air.

Either way, 'Parachute' is lyrically a fucking dreadful song. But hey at least the music is really exciting and interesting to make up for it, right? Oh no, hang on...

What, you think I'm being harsh? Go on. Go here http://www.metrolyrics.com/parachute-lyrics-cheryl-cole.html read the lyrics and tell me I'm wrong. Tell me those aren't the lyrics of a stoned 14 year old. Tell me there is any merit to those words whatsoever. You can't. Because there isn't.