'Jim, why have you got your umbrella pulled down over your face like that?
It's not even raining.'
'See the sea to my left?
That sea stole all my ex-girlfriends
and turned them to mermaids.
Now they try and tempt me into the water,
knowing I can't swim.
Knowing I would die.'
'Why don't you just look the other way then?
That would solve that, surely.'
'See the café to my right?
That's where my ex-girlfriends fathers go every day
to mourn the loss of their daughters.
If they see me, they get very angry,
and try to push me in the water,
knowing I can't swim.
Knowing I would die.
So if I want to walk along the seafront,
I have to make sure I'm not seen.'
'Why not just avoid the seafront altogether?'
'My doctor told me
that I need the sea air.
She said it's the best way to deal with the hair
growing on the inside of my lungs.
See, the hair gets all clumped up
restricting my breathing,
and the salty breeze untangles
and erodes the hair easily.
So I have to walk along the seafront,
But I want to make sure I'm not seen.'
'Surely there must be another way.'
'Well of course there is,
but have you ever tried inhaling a hairbrush?'
Today, Mother came round
to share a pot of tea
and the afternoon gossip.
'Do you see David anymore at all?'
'No, but a friend of mine knows his sister, Lisa.
Apparently she has a kid now.'
Mother never dunks her biscuits.
She prefers to take a bite,
then have a slurp of tea immediately after.
That way, she says,
'You don't get the grit
in the bottom of your cup.'
Mother is a particular fan of Garibaldis.
Like Thelonious Monk.
Spunk dribbling out the side of it's mouth.
It's got three humps,
His girlfriends got AIDS and mumps,
So he dumps her.
She throws herself under a train,
Everyone curses her name,
As they're going insane in a three hour standstill.
Jack and Jill popped a pill and got their fill,
Staring at their hands,
Jill sucking on Jacks glands.
Jill was pregnant in the mornin',
Went to a clinic and got an abortion.
Things were never the same between them.
Jill started drinkn',
And Jack started going to gay clubs.
Got himself a hardon,
Got taken up the arse in Covent Garden,
But forgot to use a condom.
Now he's got Hepatitis B.
Jill's too drunk to see the car in the road,
And she gets mowed down.
Paralised from the waist down in her nightgown,
She'll never walk again.
Meanwhile, my camel friend is chewing on my ear.
He really is a fucking nuisance.