Best Of The MySpace Blogs

So Facebook seems to have pretty much totally destroyed MySpace in that no-one ever uses MySpace anymore. It's a shame, I was secretly hoping everyone would get bored of Facebook and revert back to MySpace, but no. Sadly Facebook has remained superior. The main reason I enjoyed MySpace was it gave me a second blog, a kind of more playful blog.

At least, that's what I thought while I was doing it. On reading it back, it just reads like this blog but not as good. There are some ones I still like though, and as MySpace becomes less a social networking site and more just a place to check out a band, I have decided to compile my favourite of these and put them on here. I hope I haven't put anything up that I've already posted on here.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Customer Enquirey

Someone asked me at work today:-

"I'm after a song and an album. I don't know what it's called. It's by a female 60's jazz singer. It's a song about Istanbul."

Me: "................"

"It's on an album with a song about a cat."

You have to wonder sometimes don't you...


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Back Home Again

Right, I just wrote this and it didn't post, so if this doesn't work I'm gonna flip.

Yes, after my week long sojurn in bonnie Scotland, I am back home. So, what awesome tales do I have to regail you with? Did I have an awesome time, or what?
Well, actually no. Unless that is, your definition of "An awesome time" is "Eat a dodgy pork pie on tuesday and be ill for the rest of the week." Yes, that's right. the one thing that no-one should have happen to them, happened to me. Oooooh it was fun. Getting progressivly worse and pretty constipated through wed & thur, then spending most of Friday on a toilet shitting my guts out was wonderful. By about my 12th or 14th shit of the day (I tried keeping count, but it's difficult to when you literally feel like your enitire insides are about to burst through your anus), my 'refuse' was literally the consistency of water. I'm not kidding, it was like one of those films where the poor ghetto kids are playing in the spray of the broken fire hydrant, but with my arse as the hydrant, and no kids were froliking in my faeces.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

You can hold me to this.

If there's a better album than the new LCD Soundsystem album released this year, I'll eat my own spunk.

(This will only happen if I believe an album to be better. Not just coz one of you lot do.)


Thursday, April 12, 2007

My lost phone.

So yeah. I lost my phone. I still can't find it. I'm kind of enjoying not having a phone tho'. It's kind of freeing to not have it constantly on me saying "Look at me. You may have a message. Go on have a look." and when I do, it says, "HA HA HA!! Made you look! No message for you! No-one loves you! Everyone hates you! Ha ha ha, you fucking loser!"

My phone is a bastard. I hope I never find it now. See how it likes that.


Friday, April 13, 2007

So...

A gig was went to by me myself, and Hreda were really good followed by a.t.t.l.a.r.s.e.o.f.f or whatever the fuck they were called, who were quite possibly the absolute worst band I have ever seen or heard in my total entire fucking whole life lief! Another band played who I can't remember because of them being totally forgettable and excruciatingly bland dull crap. So the Zodiac was gone went to wher more of the booze was had and dances were danced and two girls kept pinching my bum no matter how much I tried to hide it, only leaving me alone when I picked up an old poster from up off of the floor space and wrote in very big letters "I AM GAY!" just so they would leave me alone which thankfully they did did. Blooody bitches .


Saturday, April 21, 2007

Dream.

I had one the other night. Basically it was about me having no food except for some really cheap nasty horrible stuff that I ended up having to eat. It was quite a vivid dream too, in that I could actually taste what I was eating in this dream. It was horrible.

Anyway, I woke up and I had that taste in my mouth! It was horrible! And it stuck around too. Cleaning my teeth didn't make it go away, copious amounts of chewing gum didn't make it go away, lunch didn't make it go away, and when it finally did go away it just kept on coming back again! It was fucking horrible. Just writing about it now the day after makes me still kind of able to taste that hideous taste.

Bloody dreams.


Sunday, May 20, 2007

Spank Rock

Fucking Rule.


Friday, May 25, 2007

Have you ever noticed...

That bands (MySpace) pages are always filled with shit like:

"Hi there -band name- It's good to see you again. How've you been? Good, good, good. Just thought you'ld like to know about our latest hip club night.

Twelveday 32nd May

"TWAT COLUMN" AT THE OPEN TOILET VENUE, CHICKENCOCK ROAD, EAST OXFORD. 3ROOMS OF LIVE BANDS & DJ'S!

ROOM1:
DOCTOR'S PRESCIPTIONS (live)
TOE-JAM (live)
GIVE ECSTASY TO 12 YEAR OLDS (live)
JUNKIE SNOWBALL (live)
FATHER FELTCH (dj)
SCROTOGENIC (dj)
KISS MY BALLS AND MAKE ME A SHIRLEY TEMPLE IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND (dj)

ROOM 2:
ROSE WEST FIST FUCK (live)
ANIMAL PORN (live)
TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (dj)
POSTMAN'S TROUSERS (dj)
TORVILL & DEAN (live)
GREASED UP LESBIANS (live)
DJ GRUNTING SNAKE

ROOM 3:
LISTEN WITH MOTHERFUCKER (live)
SHARON STONE'S EX-BOYFRIEND (dj)
PAUSE/UNPAUSE THE GANG RAPE VICTIM (live)
YOU'RE SHITTING ON MY FACE (dj)
I WAS BORN WITH TWO HEADS (live)
NO, YOU FUCK OFF!! (live)
DJ ANAL BLEEDING
DJ UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURINE

8PM-3AM. 12 pounds.

Hope to see you there -band name- We love it when you turn up!"

I find it pretty annoying, and aside from anything else it means that people who do comment on bands pages coz they love them find their comments buried unnoticed between a bunch of adverts and I feel sorry for these people.

Anyway, someone I don't know read my anti BNP rant on my blogspot and has initiated some sort of war of words with me. It's rather exciting. I just hope he doesn't pussy out.

I really should go to work now.

He did pussy out. Pussy.


Monday, June 04, 2007

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend!

This weekend just gone was pretty much the best weekend ever.

Saturday:- Spent the day listening to lots of music that I managed to accumulate in the time since payday, and some that came in the post sat morning. Then went to The Star for boozey booze and to see Enders! It's always lovely seeing that man. Then Emma turned up too! Wasn't expecting to see her til sunday so that was pretty awesome too. Then Becky mentioned a gathering at Number 12, which is pretty much a guarantee of fun. And what fun was had. I was a good drunk, that is until I drank the mixture of JD & red wine that Paul rejected when I tried to force him to. I don't really know why. O.K, so it was foul and it triggered a switch in my brain that caused me to headbut lightbulbs and break them, smash an egg on my head, pour beer all over myself while talking to Pippa and then take her high heel shoe off and introduce it very quickly to my head, which hurt like fuck. All while wearing Michael's polo shirt, but really, what's wrong with that? Other highlights included proving I am the best puffa fish face puller in Oxford, and Lee coming up to me telling me to go to the bathroom and seeing Paul filming Hootie in the bath while Michael watched while topless. Then a woman needed the loo, but instead of leaving so she do this with some dignity, we just pulled the shower curtain infront of the loo so no-one could physically see her. Lovely. Then I ended up going to Paul & Russ' house even though my house is a lot closer. Kebab. Sleep.

Sunday:- Spent the morning and early afternoon at theirs with Enders there too. We watched some crappy tv and me & Lex introduced Steven to the wonders of home bidding channels. This was only surpassed by Lex introducing me & Steve to the total joy of "My Rotisserie", which is truly special programming. Taxi. Rectory Road. I leave them going to the Star while I go home to shower and change and pick up Rob & Rhyannon's present. 2 showers and I swear I could still smell beer on me. Anyway, after a fresh lot of clothes and a lot of deoderant I was ready for Love Day.

Rob & Rhyannon are only bloody blimmin' well hitched up and married, aren't they. Sunday was a day of celebrating this. A day of closed pub for our private party, free food, free booze and some lovely weather. It was lovely. I did have to have a little sleep as I was still feeling the worse for wear, but by about 10pm when the pub was open and I'd had some more boozey booze I finally caught that second wind (This was however accompanied by me temporarily forgetting everyone's names. Maybe I boozed a bit too hard over the weekend.). I don't think I've laughed so much since Paul's birthday. It was an awesome night to cap off a quality day. My personal highlight was Phil singing to Gaz about beef and cheese to the tune of Spandau Ballet's "Gold", and "Indesbeefable" is possibly the greatest word I've ever heard in my life.

Beautiful times with beautiful people. What more could you ask for?


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Why don't you try maybe thinking before you speak?

So this guy's in work today, and he's watching the Eurovision Song Contest 2007 dvd that's on the screen, thankfully with no sound on. Then this conversation happened:

Him: "Has Eurovision been on then?"

Me: "Yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago now I think."

Him: "Oh, I must've missed it. Yeah, coz I saw it last year..." (I have spared you the rest of what he said here, as it was so dull and pointless that I nearly went into a coma.)

Me: "Oh right, yeah."

Him: "I take it we didn't win then."

Me: "No."

Him: "Who did then?"

Me: "I can't remember. I think it was one of the Eastern European countries."

Him: Tuts and then says "It's always the Europeans who win it."

ERM? WHAT?! HOW WOULD IT NOT BE, YOU TOTAL FUCKING IMBECILE?! I mean really, come on now. Open that brain of yours and let some sense of intelligance out instead of keeping it chained it in there. It needs feeding, Goddamnit!!

I should've lied. "Erm, I think it was Thailand actually."

He then went on to tell me how it was a shame really because the new Scootch song was actually really good. Yeah, whatever mate.

I'll tell you what is good tho', and that's the new Ulrich Schnauss album. It is quite frankly, sublime.


Sunday, September 30, 2007

Zodiac Version 2.0

It's been a while since I wrote a blog on here, so here goes.

Went to that new fangled Carling Academy @ Oxford business last night. Wasn't there for a gig, but I reckon as a venue it'll be real good. As a club though, it fucking sucks.

Firstly it was full of all the chav cunts I remember being glad I never/very rarely saw at the Zodiac. Secondly, what the fuck is with all the fucking tv's all over the main room?! (Showing that bloody freeview channel "The Hits" too.) Thirdly the floor is still just as unsafe as it ever was. Fourthly the drinks prices are ridiculous. My mate Sam got a round of three tequilas. Cost OVER 8 POUNDS!!! Fifthly, as if that wasn't enough, the staff & bouncers seem intent on literally making sure you don't have any fun. If the general offishness of the bar staff doesn't put you off trying to enjoy yerself and you actually do try and have a dance, just make sure you follow the specifically set acceptable dancing rules set by the bouncers. If not, they get very angry and threaten to bar you. That's what happened to Michael. He and Hootie saw each other, Hootie gives Michael a big old hug, they end up dancing around together, next thing you know about 3 bouncers have bundled in to wrestle them apart and another member of staff takes Michael outside and threatens to bar him. I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, so my lip reading skills were called into play. I'm pretty sure this is what was said:

Staff: "Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand?"

Michael: "Look, I'm sorry if I've done something wrong, but I don't really understand what the problem is. It's not like we were breaking anything or even bumping into people."

Staff: "That's not the fucking point! Alright?! This isn't a place to come and have your "fun" ok? This is a good, clean place now and I don't want your kind sullying our image! Just what do you think you were playing at anyway?"

Michael: "We weren't playing at anything. We're just having a laugh, y'know? Havin' a dance, havin' some fun."

Staff: "Yes well I'm afraid your dancing does not fit in with our approved dance moves list. We're trying to portray an image here, and we can't have it ruined by ruffians like you."

Michael: "Look, we didn't doll ourselves up to come here to pose and pull. We just came here to have a bit of a drunken dance and have some fun. What's wrong with that?"

Staff: "DOES NOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM ERROR. PROGRAMME MALFUNCTION. REBOOT. RELOAD. Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand? If you behave like that again, yer barred. Got that?"

Ok, so I may be filling in some gaps here, but seriously, it was fucking pathetic. I actually had to leave after that coz I was so pissed off. Yipee! Gone is the fun Zodiac of old, now we have a new place for chav cunts and student twats to pose, pull and fight. Thankyou for that guys.

So yeah. I reckon it will be a pretty awesome gig venue. Just make sure you leave when the bands have finished, that's all.