I haven't posted recently coz I stupidly wasn't paying attention while carrying my laptop and it slipped out of my hands and roughly banged the floor, causing it to get brain damage and not work at all anymore; so my current online time is limited by and to the charity of others. It's a pain in the arse. I haven't read anyone else's blogs, scrobbled any tracks onto Last.fm, written pointless replies on Drowned In Sound or watched badly shot home made blowjob clips on youporn for over a week now. Luckily, going to ATP last weekend has meant I'm not really much in the mood to spend too much money for the rest of the month, or my craving for cheap cds would be getting pretty bad right now. I watched a couple of episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force earlier. God it felt good.
I'll do a proper ATP post at some point. Probably.
Right now I'm a little too shellshocked and weirded out by the Rock Band shenanigans of the day. For anyone who doesn't know, Rock Band is the new game that's going to everyone's favourite thing for about a month or two before everyone gets bored of it and finds themselves staring in disbelief at this 180 odd quids (130 for the guitars, drums, and mic controllers, 50 for the game itself) worth of junk they're never going to use again, shedding a tear as they wonder why the hell they bought it in the first place. Rock Band is the ultimate proof that people have more money than sense. Rock Band is a game that belongs in an arcade. You know why you don't have arcade machines at home? Because the only reason they're ever any good is that you only play them every now and then, so the excitement is still fresh. If you had an arcade machine in your house, you'ld get bored of it after about a month or two. This also applied to Guitar Hero 2, but a couple of months of fun for 45 quid is fair enough in my book. Rock Band will last about as long, and costs 4 times as much. Admittedly the drumming aspect does look like a lot of fun, and I'll almost certainly have a go and love it, but I sure as shit won't buy the fucking thing. For a start, I could put the money towards getting an actual drumkit, and secondly, how many times am I gonna have 3 mates over, who all want to play Rock Band?!
No. Better idea. Let's get drunk instead. Lets all get drunk and watch Eurovision. God, I really wanna get drunk and watch Eurovision. Fuck sport, all pubs should show Eurovision tomorrow. I'd spend a fucking fortune.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Rock Band. I dunno, maybe I'm just jaded coz I've had to endure kids trying to "play" along to Nirvana and OK Go about a hundred fucking times today. Oh, apart from the 20 minute period where a group of people kept on fucking up Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Seriously, after about 3 go's not even getting passed the intro, wouldn't you give up? Not these guys. They attempted it again and again for literally at least 20 minutes. I wanted to ram those fucking controllers up their arses sideways, bite their faces of and scream "JUST FUUUUUUCK OOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFF!!!!!" into the bloody mess of muscle, blood and tissue where their faces used to be.
So yeah. Rock Band bad, Eurovision good. GO SEBASTIAN TELLIER! VIVE LA FRANCE!!
Seriously, how weird is it that the UK entry this year is someone who lost a reality tv show, and France have put forward a proper established musician? Next year let's ship Portishead out and see what happens. NO! SHIT & SHINE!! They could write a nice little 3 minute pop song to fool everyone, and then when it came to the night, BAM!! Smack 'em up sharp with half an hour plus of one riff, multi-drummed DOOOOOOM!!!! That would be fucking amazing.
SHIT & SHINE FOR THE UK EUROVISION ENTRY OF 2009! The campaign starts here.
Friday, 23 May 2008
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Yet Another Million Pound Idea.
Yes. I went to The Star for about an hour or so in the evening just gone. In there I saw, among other people, Grundy. Some of us were talking about the dog in "Frasier", and were wondering if there is a specific name for trained animals who appear as characters in tv shows. Somehow this led into Shakespeare's "King Lear", which then led to me & Grundy coming up with this fantastic idea.
A production of "King Lear", with a cast made up entirely of trained animals.
We would have human actors off stage to do the voices, but all acting on stage would be performed by these trained animals. How awesome would that be? Of course on our wishlist for this production would be the dog who's Eddie on "Frasier", the PG Tips monkeys, "Skippy The Bush Kangaroo", and "Flipper".
Come on, how awesome would that be?
A production of "King Lear", with a cast made up entirely of trained animals.
We would have human actors off stage to do the voices, but all acting on stage would be performed by these trained animals. How awesome would that be? Of course on our wishlist for this production would be the dog who's Eddie on "Frasier", the PG Tips monkeys, "Skippy The Bush Kangaroo", and "Flipper".
Come on, how awesome would that be?
Yes, But What About The Music?!
Mainstream musicians don't really seem to make grand sounding music anymore. I don't mean memorable or loud, I mean epic, in sound and scope. No mainstream act has recently really gone for it and made a "Stairway To Heaven" or "Kashmir". No high concept "Quadrophenia" style album. I think that's why the mainstream music critics, from NME to The Sun and back again, have gone a bit mad for The Last Shadow Puppets. No-one's really doing what they're doing at the moment. Two mainstream musicians (because, whether you like it or not, indie IS mainstream now) come together to make something out of their "comfort zone". Everyone hails them as daring and revolutionary. The problem is, this is pretty much the focal point of anything written about them.
I suppose you do have to kind of admire them for taking a chance and doing something different, not being content to just rest on their laurels. But this is all that virtually anyone who's written an article or song about them focuses on. The only thing they ever seem to write about the music is that there's a string section involved. Everyone's hailing the thing as genius simply because they're willing to try.
But if they had actually listened to the songs, without knowing there was an Arctic Monkey involved and they were trying something a bit different to what they normally would, then they would surely realise what a bunch of awful and cliched old toss it actually is. Two songs in particular keep getting played where I work. I can't remember the names of them, but one of them sounds like Arctic Monkeys were asked to do a soundtrack for a western film, so decided to rewrite "Knights Of Cydonia" by Muse. The other song that's keeps getting played (I think it's called "In My Room") is one that sounds like a really really bad James Bond theme tune. The whole thing just sounds like a bunch of rejected b-sides that have been dug up and had an orchestra super-glued to them to cover up any obvious gaping holes.
The Last Shadow Puppets album is a classic case of style over substance. See, it's all very well and good having ambition and trying something different, but if it turns out to be a bunch of dreary, drab and essentially unimaginative crap, you have to wonder what the point is. I guess though that the point is irrelevant when you're going to make loads of money from it regardless of whether it's actually any good or not.
Which, let's be clear, it isn't. The whole thing sounds like an attempt at re-creating some vintage soundtrack music. If that's what you're after, then buy some John Barry or Ennio Morricone. Leave this well alone.
I suppose you do have to kind of admire them for taking a chance and doing something different, not being content to just rest on their laurels. But this is all that virtually anyone who's written an article or song about them focuses on. The only thing they ever seem to write about the music is that there's a string section involved. Everyone's hailing the thing as genius simply because they're willing to try.
But if they had actually listened to the songs, without knowing there was an Arctic Monkey involved and they were trying something a bit different to what they normally would, then they would surely realise what a bunch of awful and cliched old toss it actually is. Two songs in particular keep getting played where I work. I can't remember the names of them, but one of them sounds like Arctic Monkeys were asked to do a soundtrack for a western film, so decided to rewrite "Knights Of Cydonia" by Muse. The other song that's keeps getting played (I think it's called "In My Room") is one that sounds like a really really bad James Bond theme tune. The whole thing just sounds like a bunch of rejected b-sides that have been dug up and had an orchestra super-glued to them to cover up any obvious gaping holes.
The Last Shadow Puppets album is a classic case of style over substance. See, it's all very well and good having ambition and trying something different, but if it turns out to be a bunch of dreary, drab and essentially unimaginative crap, you have to wonder what the point is. I guess though that the point is irrelevant when you're going to make loads of money from it regardless of whether it's actually any good or not.
Which, let's be clear, it isn't. The whole thing sounds like an attempt at re-creating some vintage soundtrack music. If that's what you're after, then buy some John Barry or Ennio Morricone. Leave this well alone.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Bought the Vampire Weekend album today.
I was in the mood for trying something new that I hadn't heard, and they got some really good reviews with Afrobeat references, so I thought I'd go for it.
It's shit. I'm swapping it tomorrow. Where the fuck those Afrobeat references came from, I don't know. There are a couple of bits you could tenuously link to Afrobeat, but Fela Kuti et al never sounded like twee boring US indie. They don't sound like Afrobeat, the closest they come to it is on the song "One (Blake's Got A New Face)", on which they sound like The Shins covering Paul Simon's "Graceland" album. And that's the last thing ANYONE in the world fucking needs.
It's shit. I'm swapping it tomorrow. Where the fuck those Afrobeat references came from, I don't know. There are a couple of bits you could tenuously link to Afrobeat, but Fela Kuti et al never sounded like twee boring US indie. They don't sound like Afrobeat, the closest they come to it is on the song "One (Blake's Got A New Face)", on which they sound like The Shins covering Paul Simon's "Graceland" album. And that's the last thing ANYONE in the world fucking needs.
Friday, 9 May 2008
Best Of The MySpace Blogs
So Facebook seems to have pretty much totally destroyed MySpace in that no-one ever uses MySpace anymore. It's a shame, I was secretly hoping everyone would get bored of Facebook and revert back to MySpace, but no. Sadly Facebook has remained superior. The main reason I enjoyed MySpace was it gave me a second blog, a kind of more playful blog.
At least, that's what I thought while I was doing it. On reading it back, it just reads like this blog but not as good. There are some ones I still like though, and as MySpace becomes less a social networking site and more just a place to check out a band, I have decided to compile my favourite of these and put them on here. I hope I haven't put anything up that I've already posted on here.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Customer Enquirey
Someone asked me at work today:-
"I'm after a song and an album. I don't know what it's called. It's by a female 60's jazz singer. It's a song about Istanbul."
Me: "................"
"It's on an album with a song about a cat."
You have to wonder sometimes don't you...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Back Home Again
Right, I just wrote this and it didn't post, so if this doesn't work I'm gonna flip.
Yes, after my week long sojurn in bonnie Scotland, I am back home. So, what awesome tales do I have to regail you with? Did I have an awesome time, or what?
Well, actually no. Unless that is, your definition of "An awesome time" is "Eat a dodgy pork pie on tuesday and be ill for the rest of the week." Yes, that's right. the one thing that no-one should have happen to them, happened to me. Oooooh it was fun. Getting progressivly worse and pretty constipated through wed & thur, then spending most of Friday on a toilet shitting my guts out was wonderful. By about my 12th or 14th shit of the day (I tried keeping count, but it's difficult to when you literally feel like your enitire insides are about to burst through your anus), my 'refuse' was literally the consistency of water. I'm not kidding, it was like one of those films where the poor ghetto kids are playing in the spray of the broken fire hydrant, but with my arse as the hydrant, and no kids were froliking in my faeces.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
You can hold me to this.
If there's a better album than the new LCD Soundsystem album released this year, I'll eat my own spunk.
(This will only happen if I believe an album to be better. Not just coz one of you lot do.)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
My lost phone.
So yeah. I lost my phone. I still can't find it. I'm kind of enjoying not having a phone tho'. It's kind of freeing to not have it constantly on me saying "Look at me. You may have a message. Go on have a look." and when I do, it says, "HA HA HA!! Made you look! No message for you! No-one loves you! Everyone hates you! Ha ha ha, you fucking loser!"
My phone is a bastard. I hope I never find it now. See how it likes that.
Friday, April 13, 2007
So...
A gig was went to by me myself, and Hreda were really good followed by a.t.t.l.a.r.s.e.o.f.f or whatever the fuck they were called, who were quite possibly the absolute worst band I have ever seen or heard in my total entire fucking whole life lief! Another band played who I can't remember because of them being totally forgettable and excruciatingly bland dull crap. So the Zodiac was gone went to wher more of the booze was had and dances were danced and two girls kept pinching my bum no matter how much I tried to hide it, only leaving me alone when I picked up an old poster from up off of the floor space and wrote in very big letters "I AM GAY!" just so they would leave me alone which thankfully they did did. Blooody bitches .
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Dream.
I had one the other night. Basically it was about me having no food except for some really cheap nasty horrible stuff that I ended up having to eat. It was quite a vivid dream too, in that I could actually taste what I was eating in this dream. It was horrible.
Anyway, I woke up and I had that taste in my mouth! It was horrible! And it stuck around too. Cleaning my teeth didn't make it go away, copious amounts of chewing gum didn't make it go away, lunch didn't make it go away, and when it finally did go away it just kept on coming back again! It was fucking horrible. Just writing about it now the day after makes me still kind of able to taste that hideous taste.
Bloody dreams.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Spank Rock
Fucking Rule.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Have you ever noticed...
That bands (MySpace) pages are always filled with shit like:
"Hi there -band name- It's good to see you again. How've you been? Good, good, good. Just thought you'ld like to know about our latest hip club night.
Twelveday 32nd May
"TWAT COLUMN" AT THE OPEN TOILET VENUE, CHICKENCOCK ROAD, EAST OXFORD. 3ROOMS OF LIVE BANDS & DJ'S!
ROOM1:
DOCTOR'S PRESCIPTIONS (live)
TOE-JAM (live)
GIVE ECSTASY TO 12 YEAR OLDS (live)
JUNKIE SNOWBALL (live)
FATHER FELTCH (dj)
SCROTOGENIC (dj)
KISS MY BALLS AND MAKE ME A SHIRLEY TEMPLE IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND (dj)
ROOM 2:
ROSE WEST FIST FUCK (live)
ANIMAL PORN (live)
TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (dj)
POSTMAN'S TROUSERS (dj)
TORVILL & DEAN (live)
GREASED UP LESBIANS (live)
DJ GRUNTING SNAKE
ROOM 3:
LISTEN WITH MOTHERFUCKER (live)
SHARON STONE'S EX-BOYFRIEND (dj)
PAUSE/UNPAUSE THE GANG RAPE VICTIM (live)
YOU'RE SHITTING ON MY FACE (dj)
I WAS BORN WITH TWO HEADS (live)
NO, YOU FUCK OFF!! (live)
DJ ANAL BLEEDING
DJ UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURINE
8PM-3AM. 12 pounds.
Hope to see you there -band name- We love it when you turn up!"
I find it pretty annoying, and aside from anything else it means that people who do comment on bands pages coz they love them find their comments buried unnoticed between a bunch of adverts and I feel sorry for these people.
Anyway, someone I don't know read my anti BNP rant on my blogspot and has initiated some sort of war of words with me. It's rather exciting. I just hope he doesn't pussy out.
I really should go to work now.
He did pussy out. Pussy.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend!
This weekend just gone was pretty much the best weekend ever.
Saturday:- Spent the day listening to lots of music that I managed to accumulate in the time since payday, and some that came in the post sat morning. Then went to The Star for boozey booze and to see Enders! It's always lovely seeing that man. Then Emma turned up too! Wasn't expecting to see her til sunday so that was pretty awesome too. Then Becky mentioned a gathering at Number 12, which is pretty much a guarantee of fun. And what fun was had. I was a good drunk, that is until I drank the mixture of JD & red wine that Paul rejected when I tried to force him to. I don't really know why. O.K, so it was foul and it triggered a switch in my brain that caused me to headbut lightbulbs and break them, smash an egg on my head, pour beer all over myself while talking to Pippa and then take her high heel shoe off and introduce it very quickly to my head, which hurt like fuck. All while wearing Michael's polo shirt, but really, what's wrong with that? Other highlights included proving I am the best puffa fish face puller in Oxford, and Lee coming up to me telling me to go to the bathroom and seeing Paul filming Hootie in the bath while Michael watched while topless. Then a woman needed the loo, but instead of leaving so she do this with some dignity, we just pulled the shower curtain infront of the loo so no-one could physically see her. Lovely. Then I ended up going to Paul & Russ' house even though my house is a lot closer. Kebab. Sleep.
Sunday:- Spent the morning and early afternoon at theirs with Enders there too. We watched some crappy tv and me & Lex introduced Steven to the wonders of home bidding channels. This was only surpassed by Lex introducing me & Steve to the total joy of "My Rotisserie", which is truly special programming. Taxi. Rectory Road. I leave them going to the Star while I go home to shower and change and pick up Rob & Rhyannon's present. 2 showers and I swear I could still smell beer on me. Anyway, after a fresh lot of clothes and a lot of deoderant I was ready for Love Day.
Rob & Rhyannon are only bloody blimmin' well hitched up and married, aren't they. Sunday was a day of celebrating this. A day of closed pub for our private party, free food, free booze and some lovely weather. It was lovely. I did have to have a little sleep as I was still feeling the worse for wear, but by about 10pm when the pub was open and I'd had some more boozey booze I finally caught that second wind (This was however accompanied by me temporarily forgetting everyone's names. Maybe I boozed a bit too hard over the weekend.). I don't think I've laughed so much since Paul's birthday. It was an awesome night to cap off a quality day. My personal highlight was Phil singing to Gaz about beef and cheese to the tune of Spandau Ballet's "Gold", and "Indesbeefable" is possibly the greatest word I've ever heard in my life.
Beautiful times with beautiful people. What more could you ask for?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Why don't you try maybe thinking before you speak?
So this guy's in work today, and he's watching the Eurovision Song Contest 2007 dvd that's on the screen, thankfully with no sound on. Then this conversation happened:
Him: "Has Eurovision been on then?"
Me: "Yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago now I think."
Him: "Oh, I must've missed it. Yeah, coz I saw it last year..." (I have spared you the rest of what he said here, as it was so dull and pointless that I nearly went into a coma.)
Me: "Oh right, yeah."
Him: "I take it we didn't win then."
Me: "No."
Him: "Who did then?"
Me: "I can't remember. I think it was one of the Eastern European countries."
Him: Tuts and then says "It's always the Europeans who win it."
ERM? WHAT?! HOW WOULD IT NOT BE, YOU TOTAL FUCKING IMBECILE?! I mean really, come on now. Open that brain of yours and let some sense of intelligance out instead of keeping it chained it in there. It needs feeding, Goddamnit!!
I should've lied. "Erm, I think it was Thailand actually."
He then went on to tell me how it was a shame really because the new Scootch song was actually really good. Yeah, whatever mate.
I'll tell you what is good tho', and that's the new Ulrich Schnauss album. It is quite frankly, sublime.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Zodiac Version 2.0
It's been a while since I wrote a blog on here, so here goes.
Went to that new fangled Carling Academy @ Oxford business last night. Wasn't there for a gig, but I reckon as a venue it'll be real good. As a club though, it fucking sucks.
Firstly it was full of all the chav cunts I remember being glad I never/very rarely saw at the Zodiac. Secondly, what the fuck is with all the fucking tv's all over the main room?! (Showing that bloody freeview channel "The Hits" too.) Thirdly the floor is still just as unsafe as it ever was. Fourthly the drinks prices are ridiculous. My mate Sam got a round of three tequilas. Cost OVER 8 POUNDS!!! Fifthly, as if that wasn't enough, the staff & bouncers seem intent on literally making sure you don't have any fun. If the general offishness of the bar staff doesn't put you off trying to enjoy yerself and you actually do try and have a dance, just make sure you follow the specifically set acceptable dancing rules set by the bouncers. If not, they get very angry and threaten to bar you. That's what happened to Michael. He and Hootie saw each other, Hootie gives Michael a big old hug, they end up dancing around together, next thing you know about 3 bouncers have bundled in to wrestle them apart and another member of staff takes Michael outside and threatens to bar him. I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, so my lip reading skills were called into play. I'm pretty sure this is what was said:
Staff: "Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand?"
Michael: "Look, I'm sorry if I've done something wrong, but I don't really understand what the problem is. It's not like we were breaking anything or even bumping into people."
Staff: "That's not the fucking point! Alright?! This isn't a place to come and have your "fun" ok? This is a good, clean place now and I don't want your kind sullying our image! Just what do you think you were playing at anyway?"
Michael: "We weren't playing at anything. We're just having a laugh, y'know? Havin' a dance, havin' some fun."
Staff: "Yes well I'm afraid your dancing does not fit in with our approved dance moves list. We're trying to portray an image here, and we can't have it ruined by ruffians like you."
Michael: "Look, we didn't doll ourselves up to come here to pose and pull. We just came here to have a bit of a drunken dance and have some fun. What's wrong with that?"
Staff: "DOES NOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM ERROR. PROGRAMME MALFUNCTION. REBOOT. RELOAD. Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand? If you behave like that again, yer barred. Got that?"
Ok, so I may be filling in some gaps here, but seriously, it was fucking pathetic. I actually had to leave after that coz I was so pissed off. Yipee! Gone is the fun Zodiac of old, now we have a new place for chav cunts and student twats to pose, pull and fight. Thankyou for that guys.
So yeah. I reckon it will be a pretty awesome gig venue. Just make sure you leave when the bands have finished, that's all.
At least, that's what I thought while I was doing it. On reading it back, it just reads like this blog but not as good. There are some ones I still like though, and as MySpace becomes less a social networking site and more just a place to check out a band, I have decided to compile my favourite of these and put them on here. I hope I haven't put anything up that I've already posted on here.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Customer Enquirey
Someone asked me at work today:-
"I'm after a song and an album. I don't know what it's called. It's by a female 60's jazz singer. It's a song about Istanbul."
Me: "................"
"It's on an album with a song about a cat."
You have to wonder sometimes don't you...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Back Home Again
Right, I just wrote this and it didn't post, so if this doesn't work I'm gonna flip.
Yes, after my week long sojurn in bonnie Scotland, I am back home. So, what awesome tales do I have to regail you with? Did I have an awesome time, or what?
Well, actually no. Unless that is, your definition of "An awesome time" is "Eat a dodgy pork pie on tuesday and be ill for the rest of the week." Yes, that's right. the one thing that no-one should have happen to them, happened to me. Oooooh it was fun. Getting progressivly worse and pretty constipated through wed & thur, then spending most of Friday on a toilet shitting my guts out was wonderful. By about my 12th or 14th shit of the day (I tried keeping count, but it's difficult to when you literally feel like your enitire insides are about to burst through your anus), my 'refuse' was literally the consistency of water. I'm not kidding, it was like one of those films where the poor ghetto kids are playing in the spray of the broken fire hydrant, but with my arse as the hydrant, and no kids were froliking in my faeces.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
You can hold me to this.
If there's a better album than the new LCD Soundsystem album released this year, I'll eat my own spunk.
(This will only happen if I believe an album to be better. Not just coz one of you lot do.)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
My lost phone.
So yeah. I lost my phone. I still can't find it. I'm kind of enjoying not having a phone tho'. It's kind of freeing to not have it constantly on me saying "Look at me. You may have a message. Go on have a look." and when I do, it says, "HA HA HA!! Made you look! No message for you! No-one loves you! Everyone hates you! Ha ha ha, you fucking loser!"
My phone is a bastard. I hope I never find it now. See how it likes that.
Friday, April 13, 2007
So...
A gig was went to by me myself, and Hreda were really good followed by a.t.t.l.a.r.s.e.o.f.f or whatever the fuck they were called, who were quite possibly the absolute worst band I have ever seen or heard in my total entire fucking whole life lief! Another band played who I can't remember because of them being totally forgettable and excruciatingly bland dull crap. So the Zodiac was gone went to wher more of the booze was had and dances were danced and two girls kept pinching my bum no matter how much I tried to hide it, only leaving me alone when I picked up an old poster from up off of the floor space and wrote in very big letters "I AM GAY!" just so they would leave me alone which thankfully they did did. Blooody bitches .
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Dream.
I had one the other night. Basically it was about me having no food except for some really cheap nasty horrible stuff that I ended up having to eat. It was quite a vivid dream too, in that I could actually taste what I was eating in this dream. It was horrible.
Anyway, I woke up and I had that taste in my mouth! It was horrible! And it stuck around too. Cleaning my teeth didn't make it go away, copious amounts of chewing gum didn't make it go away, lunch didn't make it go away, and when it finally did go away it just kept on coming back again! It was fucking horrible. Just writing about it now the day after makes me still kind of able to taste that hideous taste.
Bloody dreams.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Spank Rock
Fucking Rule.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Have you ever noticed...
That bands (MySpace) pages are always filled with shit like:
"Hi there -band name- It's good to see you again. How've you been? Good, good, good. Just thought you'ld like to know about our latest hip club night.
Twelveday 32nd May
"TWAT COLUMN" AT THE OPEN TOILET VENUE, CHICKENCOCK ROAD, EAST OXFORD. 3ROOMS OF LIVE BANDS & DJ'S!
ROOM1:
DOCTOR'S PRESCIPTIONS (live)
TOE-JAM (live)
GIVE ECSTASY TO 12 YEAR OLDS (live)
JUNKIE SNOWBALL (live)
FATHER FELTCH (dj)
SCROTOGENIC (dj)
KISS MY BALLS AND MAKE ME A SHIRLEY TEMPLE IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND (dj)
ROOM 2:
ROSE WEST FIST FUCK (live)
ANIMAL PORN (live)
TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (dj)
POSTMAN'S TROUSERS (dj)
TORVILL & DEAN (live)
GREASED UP LESBIANS (live)
DJ GRUNTING SNAKE
ROOM 3:
LISTEN WITH MOTHERFUCKER (live)
SHARON STONE'S EX-BOYFRIEND (dj)
PAUSE/UNPAUSE THE GANG RAPE VICTIM (live)
YOU'RE SHITTING ON MY FACE (dj)
I WAS BORN WITH TWO HEADS (live)
NO, YOU FUCK OFF!! (live)
DJ ANAL BLEEDING
DJ UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURINE
8PM-3AM. 12 pounds.
Hope to see you there -band name- We love it when you turn up!"
I find it pretty annoying, and aside from anything else it means that people who do comment on bands pages coz they love them find their comments buried unnoticed between a bunch of adverts and I feel sorry for these people.
Anyway, someone I don't know read my anti BNP rant on my blogspot and has initiated some sort of war of words with me. It's rather exciting. I just hope he doesn't pussy out.
I really should go to work now.
He did pussy out. Pussy.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend!
This weekend just gone was pretty much the best weekend ever.
Saturday:- Spent the day listening to lots of music that I managed to accumulate in the time since payday, and some that came in the post sat morning. Then went to The Star for boozey booze and to see Enders! It's always lovely seeing that man. Then Emma turned up too! Wasn't expecting to see her til sunday so that was pretty awesome too. Then Becky mentioned a gathering at Number 12, which is pretty much a guarantee of fun. And what fun was had. I was a good drunk, that is until I drank the mixture of JD & red wine that Paul rejected when I tried to force him to. I don't really know why. O.K, so it was foul and it triggered a switch in my brain that caused me to headbut lightbulbs and break them, smash an egg on my head, pour beer all over myself while talking to Pippa and then take her high heel shoe off and introduce it very quickly to my head, which hurt like fuck. All while wearing Michael's polo shirt, but really, what's wrong with that? Other highlights included proving I am the best puffa fish face puller in Oxford, and Lee coming up to me telling me to go to the bathroom and seeing Paul filming Hootie in the bath while Michael watched while topless. Then a woman needed the loo, but instead of leaving so she do this with some dignity, we just pulled the shower curtain infront of the loo so no-one could physically see her. Lovely. Then I ended up going to Paul & Russ' house even though my house is a lot closer. Kebab. Sleep.
Sunday:- Spent the morning and early afternoon at theirs with Enders there too. We watched some crappy tv and me & Lex introduced Steven to the wonders of home bidding channels. This was only surpassed by Lex introducing me & Steve to the total joy of "My Rotisserie", which is truly special programming. Taxi. Rectory Road. I leave them going to the Star while I go home to shower and change and pick up Rob & Rhyannon's present. 2 showers and I swear I could still smell beer on me. Anyway, after a fresh lot of clothes and a lot of deoderant I was ready for Love Day.
Rob & Rhyannon are only bloody blimmin' well hitched up and married, aren't they. Sunday was a day of celebrating this. A day of closed pub for our private party, free food, free booze and some lovely weather. It was lovely. I did have to have a little sleep as I was still feeling the worse for wear, but by about 10pm when the pub was open and I'd had some more boozey booze I finally caught that second wind (This was however accompanied by me temporarily forgetting everyone's names. Maybe I boozed a bit too hard over the weekend.). I don't think I've laughed so much since Paul's birthday. It was an awesome night to cap off a quality day. My personal highlight was Phil singing to Gaz about beef and cheese to the tune of Spandau Ballet's "Gold", and "Indesbeefable" is possibly the greatest word I've ever heard in my life.
Beautiful times with beautiful people. What more could you ask for?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Why don't you try maybe thinking before you speak?
So this guy's in work today, and he's watching the Eurovision Song Contest 2007 dvd that's on the screen, thankfully with no sound on. Then this conversation happened:
Him: "Has Eurovision been on then?"
Me: "Yeah, it was a couple of weeks ago now I think."
Him: "Oh, I must've missed it. Yeah, coz I saw it last year..." (I have spared you the rest of what he said here, as it was so dull and pointless that I nearly went into a coma.)
Me: "Oh right, yeah."
Him: "I take it we didn't win then."
Me: "No."
Him: "Who did then?"
Me: "I can't remember. I think it was one of the Eastern European countries."
Him: Tuts and then says "It's always the Europeans who win it."
ERM? WHAT?! HOW WOULD IT NOT BE, YOU TOTAL FUCKING IMBECILE?! I mean really, come on now. Open that brain of yours and let some sense of intelligance out instead of keeping it chained it in there. It needs feeding, Goddamnit!!
I should've lied. "Erm, I think it was Thailand actually."
He then went on to tell me how it was a shame really because the new Scootch song was actually really good. Yeah, whatever mate.
I'll tell you what is good tho', and that's the new Ulrich Schnauss album. It is quite frankly, sublime.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Zodiac Version 2.0
It's been a while since I wrote a blog on here, so here goes.
Went to that new fangled Carling Academy @ Oxford business last night. Wasn't there for a gig, but I reckon as a venue it'll be real good. As a club though, it fucking sucks.
Firstly it was full of all the chav cunts I remember being glad I never/very rarely saw at the Zodiac. Secondly, what the fuck is with all the fucking tv's all over the main room?! (Showing that bloody freeview channel "The Hits" too.) Thirdly the floor is still just as unsafe as it ever was. Fourthly the drinks prices are ridiculous. My mate Sam got a round of three tequilas. Cost OVER 8 POUNDS!!! Fifthly, as if that wasn't enough, the staff & bouncers seem intent on literally making sure you don't have any fun. If the general offishness of the bar staff doesn't put you off trying to enjoy yerself and you actually do try and have a dance, just make sure you follow the specifically set acceptable dancing rules set by the bouncers. If not, they get very angry and threaten to bar you. That's what happened to Michael. He and Hootie saw each other, Hootie gives Michael a big old hug, they end up dancing around together, next thing you know about 3 bouncers have bundled in to wrestle them apart and another member of staff takes Michael outside and threatens to bar him. I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, so my lip reading skills were called into play. I'm pretty sure this is what was said:
Staff: "Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand?"
Michael: "Look, I'm sorry if I've done something wrong, but I don't really understand what the problem is. It's not like we were breaking anything or even bumping into people."
Staff: "That's not the fucking point! Alright?! This isn't a place to come and have your "fun" ok? This is a good, clean place now and I don't want your kind sullying our image! Just what do you think you were playing at anyway?"
Michael: "We weren't playing at anything. We're just having a laugh, y'know? Havin' a dance, havin' some fun."
Staff: "Yes well I'm afraid your dancing does not fit in with our approved dance moves list. We're trying to portray an image here, and we can't have it ruined by ruffians like you."
Michael: "Look, we didn't doll ourselves up to come here to pose and pull. We just came here to have a bit of a drunken dance and have some fun. What's wrong with that?"
Staff: "DOES NOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM ERROR. PROGRAMME MALFUNCTION. REBOOT. RELOAD. Now look here sonny jim, you can't be having fun here, understand? If you behave like that again, yer barred. Got that?"
Ok, so I may be filling in some gaps here, but seriously, it was fucking pathetic. I actually had to leave after that coz I was so pissed off. Yipee! Gone is the fun Zodiac of old, now we have a new place for chav cunts and student twats to pose, pull and fight. Thankyou for that guys.
So yeah. I reckon it will be a pretty awesome gig venue. Just make sure you leave when the bands have finished, that's all.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
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Sunday, 4 May 2008
Smug Time.
You know those people who say things like "Well, I was into them before anyone else had even heard of them."? Wankers, right? Yeah. Well, I'm gonna be a wanker now, coz I wrote on my blog about the Italians Do It Better record label on 13/09/07 calling them awesome and ones to watch. Suddenly in the last month there's been an article on Drowned In Sound, a cover feature on Plan B magazine, and NME placed them number 14 in their (admittedly totally pointless and ridiculous) Future 50 list of who's going to shape the future of music.
Now it's on the path to becoming "Cool", and who told you about them first? Me. That's right. I did. I rule. Ha haha ha HA.
I would be able to write this better if I wasn't so full of meat. Had lunch today at "Carne", a Brazilian all you can eat meat buffet restaurant on Cowley Road. Don't go there if you're vegetarian, unless you want to spend 13 quid on standard fare salad and new potatoes. And even they probably have donkey embryos in them. No, it's all about meat there, and fucking good it is too. If you like meat and live or are in Oxford, go there. Seriously. You will not regret it.
Also, if the above 2 apply, you should check out "The Mission" on St Michael's Street (off Cornmarket St). Basically there are 2 options. Fajitas or Burritos. But they are bloody tasty.
I'm too full of meat to write anything else properly. The meat's in my brain. It's made me lazy. A good kind of contented lazy. Mmmmmmmmm.
Now it's on the path to becoming "Cool", and who told you about them first? Me. That's right. I did. I rule. Ha haha ha HA.
I would be able to write this better if I wasn't so full of meat. Had lunch today at "Carne", a Brazilian all you can eat meat buffet restaurant on Cowley Road. Don't go there if you're vegetarian, unless you want to spend 13 quid on standard fare salad and new potatoes. And even they probably have donkey embryos in them. No, it's all about meat there, and fucking good it is too. If you like meat and live or are in Oxford, go there. Seriously. You will not regret it.
Also, if the above 2 apply, you should check out "The Mission" on St Michael's Street (off Cornmarket St). Basically there are 2 options. Fajitas or Burritos. But they are bloody tasty.
I'm too full of meat to write anything else properly. The meat's in my brain. It's made me lazy. A good kind of contented lazy. Mmmmmmmmm.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Computer Game Pitch.
I've come up with an idea for a new game. It's called "Cunt", and in it you have to be the most despicable person possible. You work your way up from small things like swearing at strangers and pissing on sleeping tramps, to bigger and badder things as the game progresses. This would include things like hitting the children of passers by, stealing things from shops, groping strangers, getting drunk and starting fights, setting fire to animals and date rape. You could be in a gang and do things like intimidate women by gawping brainlessly at them and saying things like "phwoarrrr" and "wa-hey", pin a man down in the street and do a poo in his mouth, kick the crap out of someone coz they looked at you funny, and gang rape. Eventually you work up to the level of such atrocities that you're doing things like that guy in Austria just got arrested for. The possibilities are endless. Think about the worst thing you could possibly do to someone and it would be in there. Followed by about a dozen things that are even worse that hadn't even occurred to you.
Would any game companies be interested? Who knows. If however they were and it got made and released, the press would have a fucking field day with it. "Ban this sick filth!!" they would cry from the front pages. They would print so much bad press that shops would be cautious of displaying or even selling it. Look what happened with "Manhunt" and "Bully", games that got so much bad press, retailers were practically scared to stock it.
So why the fuck has no-one said anything about "Grand Theft Auto IV"?!? Now, I remember when the first one came out. The tabloids pretty much labelled it the thing that would destroy modern society, not realising the simple facts that (a): It wasn't very realistic at all, and (b): Although it was a bit of timewasting fun, it wasn't actually that good. Certainly not something you would ever take seriously.
Thing is though that now, we have much better technology. The makers of the GTA games have managed to enhance all aspects of the game, making it incredibly involving, varied, exciting and in a way, a lot more realistic. The modifications to gameplay since that first game are incredible, and because it's lasted and succeeded as a series, the general press & public have become conditioned to it.
A hell of a lot of people have been very excited about GTAIV coming out. Now it's come out, everyone's going on about how bloody great it is. Talking about it in detail. Excitedly recounting all the things you can do. A work mate of mine was talking to me about it, telling me about how you play a guy who joins a gang and you do jobs for the head of the gang, intimidate people for money they owe, kill enemies or people who've crossed him, get a girlfriend, drink, drive, rape...
Sorry, RAPE?!?
Yep. That's right. Rape. In Grand Theft Auto IV, you rape women. There's even a mission for it. Some guy has crossed the head of your gang, so you teach him a lesson by going to his house with a couple of other gang members, gang rape his wife.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
Sorry, have I actually become an old codger, or is there something really quite fundamentally wrong here? Men are getting excited about being able to rape. Talking about how great it is that you can. I cannot even find the words to describe how wrong that is to me. I find it quite scary that people get this excited over being able to perform the worlds most despicable acts on a virtual platform.
Am I missing the point? Is this in some way ensuring that these things don't happen in real life, because people get to live out their sick fantasies in a fantasy world? Hmmm, seems tenuous to me.
Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but I can't help thinking that this is just a step too far. And where are the tabloids? Sniffing the arse of some celebrity, chasing the next famous love-rat story. They've gotten used to GTA now, they don't care how offensive it is anymore. They're probably all playing it now ask I type, thinking how fucking great it is. Never mind that it's pretty fucking despicable. It's all well and good rallying against "Manhunt" & "Bully", but the fact is that while the former was pretty brutal, it was put in a fantasy setting and therefore bore no "threat" whatsoever, because the chances of it actually happening are virtually zero. Also, if I remember correctly, the reviews for it were rather luke warm, so it was never going to be very popular anyway. "Bully" meanwhile, was an odd game, in that I have no idea who they thought it would appeal to. Essentially, the tabloids were the only people who ever actually paid it any attention. The game buying public were never that fussed. Probably coz it got shit reviews across the board.
GTAIV on the other hand is an extremely well made game. Absorbing, exciting, with incredible attention to detail. Yes, of course it's fantasy and not real. However, they have deliberately set out to make it as realistic as possible, and the scary thing is that things in this game actually happen in real life.
Now, I'm not someone who thinks these sort of things should be overly regulated or censored, but I'm sorry, rape in a computer game is one step too far. If that opinion comes with slippers, arthritis and a warm mug of cocoa, then so be it.
Would any game companies be interested? Who knows. If however they were and it got made and released, the press would have a fucking field day with it. "Ban this sick filth!!" they would cry from the front pages. They would print so much bad press that shops would be cautious of displaying or even selling it. Look what happened with "Manhunt" and "Bully", games that got so much bad press, retailers were practically scared to stock it.
So why the fuck has no-one said anything about "Grand Theft Auto IV"?!? Now, I remember when the first one came out. The tabloids pretty much labelled it the thing that would destroy modern society, not realising the simple facts that (a): It wasn't very realistic at all, and (b): Although it was a bit of timewasting fun, it wasn't actually that good. Certainly not something you would ever take seriously.
Thing is though that now, we have much better technology. The makers of the GTA games have managed to enhance all aspects of the game, making it incredibly involving, varied, exciting and in a way, a lot more realistic. The modifications to gameplay since that first game are incredible, and because it's lasted and succeeded as a series, the general press & public have become conditioned to it.
A hell of a lot of people have been very excited about GTAIV coming out. Now it's come out, everyone's going on about how bloody great it is. Talking about it in detail. Excitedly recounting all the things you can do. A work mate of mine was talking to me about it, telling me about how you play a guy who joins a gang and you do jobs for the head of the gang, intimidate people for money they owe, kill enemies or people who've crossed him, get a girlfriend, drink, drive, rape...
Sorry, RAPE?!?
Yep. That's right. Rape. In Grand Theft Auto IV, you rape women. There's even a mission for it. Some guy has crossed the head of your gang, so you teach him a lesson by going to his house with a couple of other gang members, gang rape his wife.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
Sorry, have I actually become an old codger, or is there something really quite fundamentally wrong here? Men are getting excited about being able to rape. Talking about how great it is that you can. I cannot even find the words to describe how wrong that is to me. I find it quite scary that people get this excited over being able to perform the worlds most despicable acts on a virtual platform.
Am I missing the point? Is this in some way ensuring that these things don't happen in real life, because people get to live out their sick fantasies in a fantasy world? Hmmm, seems tenuous to me.
Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but I can't help thinking that this is just a step too far. And where are the tabloids? Sniffing the arse of some celebrity, chasing the next famous love-rat story. They've gotten used to GTA now, they don't care how offensive it is anymore. They're probably all playing it now ask I type, thinking how fucking great it is. Never mind that it's pretty fucking despicable. It's all well and good rallying against "Manhunt" & "Bully", but the fact is that while the former was pretty brutal, it was put in a fantasy setting and therefore bore no "threat" whatsoever, because the chances of it actually happening are virtually zero. Also, if I remember correctly, the reviews for it were rather luke warm, so it was never going to be very popular anyway. "Bully" meanwhile, was an odd game, in that I have no idea who they thought it would appeal to. Essentially, the tabloids were the only people who ever actually paid it any attention. The game buying public were never that fussed. Probably coz it got shit reviews across the board.
GTAIV on the other hand is an extremely well made game. Absorbing, exciting, with incredible attention to detail. Yes, of course it's fantasy and not real. However, they have deliberately set out to make it as realistic as possible, and the scary thing is that things in this game actually happen in real life.
Now, I'm not someone who thinks these sort of things should be overly regulated or censored, but I'm sorry, rape in a computer game is one step too far. If that opinion comes with slippers, arthritis and a warm mug of cocoa, then so be it.
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