Monday, 22 June 2009


R&B has become one of the biggest misnomers of all time.
See, I personally think that when you have "Rhythm" as part of a genre description, that implies something lively as opposed to say, something that sounds like a slug crawled over a drum machine.
Also, when the other part of a genre description is "Blues", that implies, well, blues music. Having the blues, y'know. Not attractive, sultry people cooing in my ears that they're going to make love to me/girls/boys/whoever.
No, what most of modern R&B actually is, is sickeningly smooth sentimentality. And it's getting weak. Sure, when Boyz II Men crooned "I'll make love to you, like you want me to.", it was insipid, but at least they could actually sing. And it was a Hell of a lot better than Shontelle warbling about how she misses some guy so wears his t-shirt ("T-Shirt"), or Soulja Boy Tell 'Em (I'm still not sure whether that name deserves total ridicule or bizarre respect for it's utter stupidity) singing about how if you can't be with him, you can call him up and kiss him thru yr phone ("Kiss Me Thru The Phone"). I mean, at least there was a point to what Boyz II Men were doing. 
So as the central message and underlying statement of these songs, along with the talent of those singing them gets weaker and weaker, I've started to wonder what the next generation of modern R&B stars will be singing, and I've come up with some ideas. Fancy becoming the next big R&B sensation? Well why not commission me to write you one of these songs:

* Say Hi To Your Parents From Me.
* Hugging My Pillow.
* I Cleaned My Teeth With Your Toothbrush Coz I Miss You. (or just 'Toothbrush.' for short)
* Scrolling Thru Yr Facebook Photos.
* Wow! You Bought That Ham I Really Like!
* Doctor's Note. (A song about how someone feels they should be signed off work because of a broken heart)
* My Last Rolo.
* Have My Coat.
* You'll Always Be My Orange Wednesday 2 For 1 Partner.
* Blog Abou' Choo.

And I'm sure I could think of plenty more.
Come on. We'd make a fucking mint.

Oh, and just in case anyone does do the whole "OK, if it's not R&B, what is it then?" or "What would you call it then?" thing, there is already a genre of music that centres around slow paced, slick, polished, sentimental love songs. It's called 'Easy Listening'. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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