17th June 2009. Doner Kebab Pot Noodle.

Yes. You did read that right. Look, there it is and everything. I was in Tesco yesterday and my eyes did glance upon this newly released culinary experience.

Immediately I was struck dumb with disbelief. Then a number of questions flooded into my head. 

"What on Earth is that gonna taste like?"

"Who the fuck thought that was a good idea?!"

"Is this for real?"

"Is this a joke?"
Then that first question popped back into my head again, and before I knew it there was one in my basket.

That evening I managed to pluck up the courage to actually go thru with trying it. Now, I'm normally of the "I'll try anything once." frame of mind, I remember one time me & Paul Heard were going to try Lamb's Brain in a restaurant only to be told they didn't have any in at the moment, but I nearly pussed out when I smelled this. It smelled like I imagine a marathon runner's perineum would smell.

Oscar's cat food smelled better.

Looked better too.

It took me a while of thinking "Am I actually going to do this?"...

...before I did it...

...and instantly wished I hadn't.

Fuck me, that taste was fucking horrible.

Imagine the worst kebab you've ever tasted. Now imagine that someone has taken that kebab and put it in a blender with a dog that has been dead for about two weeks and some car tires. Imagine they blended all of that up, dehydrated it, put it into a plastic cup, then got you to pour boiling water on that and eat it.

Seriously. 

It is without doubt one of the most revolting things I have ever tasted. If someone came up to me with one and said to me "Eat this or I'm going to punch you in the face.", I would let them punch me.

Try this only if you want to know how it feels for your mouth to temporarily die of despair. This isn't food, it's a torture device. Either that or a practical joke that went too far.

Score: Minus eleven billion out of ten.