Mr Axl's Lovely Potato Farm: 2009

Right. I have an exam in about 44 minutes and I've pretty much done all the notes and revision I'll be able to do, so I'm going to practice writing something, as I will be needing to do that for a couple of hours.

Right. So the end of year lists and opinions and whatnots have been sprouting up all over the place, and I thought that what with my slight occasional pre-occupation with dreadful lyrics, I would celebrate what I consider to be one of the best song lyrics I've heard all year. It is definitely the sexiest. What makes it so so good is just the sheer simplicity of it. It's one of those lines that should really take no effort to think of at all, and yet you hear it and it's so simple, effective and perfect that you can't quite believe you've never heard it used before.
The lyric I'm talking about is from the song 'Bad Things' by Jace Everett and it quite simply goes:

'I wanna do bad things with you.'

Fuck, when he sings that line you wanna let him do bad things with you. It is FILTH. PURE FILTH. That is base animal lust compacted into 7 short words. It boils down every carnal desire you've ever had to it's basic root feeling. That sentence is so fucking powerful, in my mind it destroys virtually any other lyric ever written.
Come on, who can't relate to that sentiment? EVERYONE has felt that exact feeling at at least some point in their lives, that pure feeling of just wanting someone.
It's the exact feeling that so many others try to dress up and make fancy and hide with metaphor that when someone comes along and just so simply sums it all up so perfectly, it's breathtaking. Seriously, when I first heard that lyric I went a bit weak at the knees.

So simple.
So effective.
So so sexy.
So so GOOD.

The computers in this library are shit, so I can't post a link to the song on YouTube like I was going to. Booooooooo!

Right, so I'm back and feeling vaguely human again. One of the first things I saw on the BBC News site yesterday was the BBC Sound Of 2010 Longlist ( which can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8395789.stm ). Now I remember Grundy last year asking me to write a blog about the 2009 list, and it was pretty fun to do, in spite of the rubbish that I had to listen to, so I'm doing it again this year. So here is my round up of what my first impressions are on the 15 acts that have been chosen, written as I listen to them.

#1 Daisy Dares You.

(Song: 'Daisy Dares You')

Daisy Dares You is the moniker of Daisy Coburn. She is 16 years old. She looks like a cross between Cindy Crawford and Avril Lavigne. She lists Kurt Cobain & Karen O as influences, and makes 'Impatient, impudent teen pop about friendship and families and fancying boys.' Do I really need to tell you what she sounds like? No. It's exactly what you think it sounds like.

At times it sounds like she's singing thru a vocoder, but I think that's just her bizarre sounding voice. It sounds like someone has told her to try and sing in a British and an American accent at the same time.

#2 Delphic.

(Song: 'Doubt')

Sounds exactly like New Order.

There really isn't anything more to say about it than that.

#3 Devlin.

(Song: 'London City')

Sorry, did he actually just say 'Bud, sweat and beers,'?!? He did!! That's what he's gonna call his album!!

There is a female vocal that sounds like when those people on YouTube do that 'Auto-Tune The News' thing. It sounds like a piss-take, but it's not. Then Devlin starts rapping. This is what N-Dubz will sound like when they grow up. Ever wondered what that will sound like? I can tell you, still not good.

#4 The Drums.

(Song: 'Let's Go Surfing')

Fuck me, these boys look like they've been styled for a Face magazine shoot.

Fuck me, they start the song with whistling.

Fuck me, they sound like The XX covering a 1950's surf-rock song.

Fuck me, this is fucking awful.

Worst song so far.

#5 Everything Everything.

(Song: 'My Keys Your Boyfriend')

Is that a stylophone in the intro?

Oh God, this is so 'Arty' it hurts. People will cream themselves over this thinking it's really unique and individual and original, completely ignoring the fact that it's posey nonsense.

I'm not entirely sure what it is that's most infuriating about this song. In fact I don't even know how to best describe it. It kind of sounds like an 80's New Romantic version of Battles. But Battles would do that a lot better than this, because they're Battles. These guys are just shit.

#6 Giggs.

(Song: 'Slow Songs' Feat. The Streets)

Oh God, do I have to listen to this? I bought this guy's 'Walk In Da Park' mixtape when it came out and it was fucking dreadful. Every hip-hop cliché you can think of rolled onto a budget beats-by-numbers backing track. It was so obnoxious. It had homophobia, misogyny, violence and arrogant bragging in the first three minutes and never stopped with it's boring boring regurgitation of everything that's become so boring about US chart hip-hop. Even his voice was boring. And all thru the mixtape was this grunting sound that sounded like he'd recorded himself having an orgasm and thought it would be a good idea to use it as a recurring theme for an album. You know, the way Missy Elliott has recurring sounds and words throughout her albums. Big difference is that Missy Elliott is fucking awesome and doesn't sound like she's constantly shooting her load.

Okay, fine, I'll listen to the song now.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOHGODHE'SSTILLDOINGTHATGRUNT!!!

Wow, and this guest verse from Mike Skinner is proof if it were still needed that he has completely fucking lost it.

This is one of the worst songs I have ever heard in my life.

#7 Gold Panda.

(Song: 'Quitter's Raga')

Oooh! This actually sounds interesting! Kind of a bit like Four Tet.

Interesting use of an Indian music sample. Difficult to do without sounding clichéd, but he just about gets away with it.

Nice to hear someone not resting on their laurels either, the beat chops & changes throughout.

Wow, that was short. Hang on, I'm gonna start it again.

Yes. Yes this is good stuff. I like it. I like it quite a lot in fact. I will definitely be keeping my eyes and ears out for this guy.

Best song so far by fucking miles and miles.

#8 Ellie Goulding.

(Song: 'Under The Sheets')

Fairly boring, fairly standard pop song.

There's nothing really to say about it at all.

Although that is quite a nice bridge.

Second best song of the list so far.

Jesus wept, this is a dreadful list.

#9 Hurts.

(Song: 'Wonderful Life')

I've heard this before. I think there was a link to on the PopBitch newsletter or something.

Fairly boring, fairly standard pop song.

There's nothing really to say about it at all.

Again.

Oh come on Axl, have a go.

Okay then, ermmmmm... they sound like the Pet Shop Boys covering The XX?

Except that the Pet Shop Boys would somehow probably manage to make it good.

Axl, that's just shit and lazy of you.

Fine, you listen to this song and find something interesting to say about it then, but I'll tell you now that you won't be able to.

#10 Joy Orbison.

(Song: 'BRKLN CLLN')

I hate it already for that song title.

Hang on, this is alright actually.

Oooh, nice synth stabs.

Yeah, this is good. A building instrumental electro-dance track. There's some interesting stuff going on here.

What? It's over already? That's annoying, it sounded like it was just about to get real good. More of an intro than a complete song.

Real good stuff tho. I will be keeping eyes and ears out for this guy too.

#11 Marina & The Diamonds.

(Song: 'Hollywood')

Sounds like Florence & The Machine but with someone who isn't very good at singing. Say what you like about Florence & The Machine, that woman can fucking sing. This woman can't.

Awful lyrics too. ('"Oh my God you look just like Shakira", "No no you're Catherine Zeta", Actually my name's Marina.' Fucking Hell...)

#12 Owl City.

(Song: 'Fireflies')

My mate James told me that Owl City sound like Postal Service.

He wasn't wrong.

I hate Postal Service.

I don't hate this.

But I certainly don't like it.

It's pretty annoying.

It gets more annoying as it goes on.

Okay, I'm starting to hate it now.

Okay, I hate it now.