Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Axl's Adventures In The Mediterranean: Part 1

So the reason I haven't updated this blog for ages now is that I was on a cruise around the Mediterranean. Oooh la de da, look at me why don't you. Yes, a cruise.
The cruise ship itself was a 13 story metal behemoth, a floating hotel and holiday complex.
And this baby has a name.
"Brilliance Of The Seas".
Now, a cruise is essentially a flash, upmarket package holiday (or is a package holiday just a cheap version of a cruise?). I guess if you were to analyse it, the comparison is pretty obvious. It wasn't something that had occurred to me tho, until the Butlins style greeting we got. Some poor girl was being paid to applaud us as we went inside the ship. Yup, we were greeted by clapping and "Yaaaaayyyyy, you made it! Well done!", which to me echoed the forced enthusiasm of the greeting we recieved when we went to ATP (Seriously, what better way to greet a bunch of "cooler-than-cool" indies to a festival than to have an equivalent of everything they hate about music personified and pushed at them, blocking their way in?).
Off the point, I don't know about any of you, but I found that the runner up in the U.K.'s "The Apprentice" (Claire) this year really reminded me of an evil Butlins employee. I got the feeling that if she wasn't so sure of herself, she would've been the Butlins equivalent of Michael Douglas in the film "Falling Down". Scary thought.
A lot of the employees on this cruise ship have that Butlins sort of forced enthusiasm, which I personally often find slightly sinister. I find it hard enough enough being courteous to people at my job sometimes, let alone being nice to them. If I had to force enthusiasm and "FUN" at them on the level these people seem to permanently have to, I think I'd go apocalyptic. I'd probably end up like one of those disgruntled U.S. postal workers you often used to see or read about in the news years ago coz they'd finally snapped and gone on a killing spree.
Luckily, none of this lot do. Although if they did, there were a few people on that boat who could've probably done with a bullet in the face. OK, that's a bit harsh. They only really deserved being beaten up a little. A couple at least deserved to be Vanilla Ice to my Suge Knight. A bit of a dangling over the side of the ship. That would've shut them up.
American in a lift (the cruise ship has lifts): "Hey, did you guys go off the ship today?"
Me & Caela: "Yeah, yeah we did."
Him: "Oh yeah? Wha'd I miss?"
Us: "We saw some Roman ruins, you know, baths, columns, an amphitheatre. We saw the old port..."
Him: Chuckles, then dismissively says "A bunch of rocks then."
NO YOU FUCKING IMBECILE! YOU BRAIN DEAD TOSSCOCK! Just coz your idea of culture is eating a Chinese take-away while watching the Discovery channel. Here's a tip, if you have no interest in anything another country has to offer, stay at fucking home. At the very least, don't let that stupid flapping mouth of yours ejaculate your stupid fucking "opinions" at me. Look, I realise that as your mouth's primary function is consumption of lard, you've probably forgotten how to use it properly, so I'll go easy on you. Come with me now to Deck 13. Actually, Deck 12's balconies are more over the water, we'll do it there. Come with me, and I'm gonna dangle some fucking sense back into that brain of yours. Let's get the blood to yer brain rather than that bulbous belly of yours. Now, I warn you, you are pretty heavy, so once I've started dangling over the side of the ship, I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep a hold on yer cankles for. What? I'm back in my cabin. Oh hang on, I didn't actually say any of that did I. This last diatribe has all been in my head hasn't it. Balls. I was really enjoying..... Micaela's undressed. Hang on, what's she... oh hello...........


micaela said...


Pipsywoo said...

Nice use of the term "Cankles"!!!