"Is it so different now, or is it just the way I feel?"

I've started reading this.

Hopefully this will lead to me never writing another blog post like the last one ever again.

Basically, something is wrong and I need to sort it out, so I'm trying.

My meltdown was pretty public, so I figure I may as well make the attempted recovery public too.

P.S. If anyone is wondering "Why doesn't Axl just get some therapy?" I have seen three councillors in my life. The first tried to blame everything on my parents getting divorced when I was five years old, which is bullshit. The second seemed normal until he started going on about how "Traumas that happen to us when we're in the womb can have an effect on us much later on in our lives," which, I'm sorry, is just a bunch of total arse. The third actually did help for a few weeks, but it got to the point where we were just saying the same things over and over again and it wasn't actually helping because nothing was moving forward.

That's why I'm reading this book rather than go to more councelling. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that it works for some people, but it just doesn't for me.

Oh, Axl... You Silly, Silly Boy...

WARNING: This is a very personal, self indulgent post. If you don't particularly fancy reading about my shit, I'd suggest giving this one a miss.

So... Something bad happened, only it wasn't really bad because it was necessary, but it still felt really bad. Then something really good (and I mean, like, amazing) happened, only it wasn't really good because it ended fucking horribly. Then something good happened, which then also became something bad. Now, this last bad thing really was very minor in the grand scheme of things, but it happened to be the thing that tipped me over the edge and I sort of had a total fucking meltdown.

(Seriously. It was SO undignified.)

There are other things that have also been bad. These things have not helped.

And that's as much detail as you're getting I'm afraid, because if I've learned one thing while doing this blog, it's that writing personal things about other people is almost always a really fucking bad idea.

Which is surprising really, as the one thing I have forgotten how to do is behave like a normal person. I seem to have become unable to deal with anything in a rational, reasonable way.

Which is why, after this latest bad thing, I threw my phone onto the roof of a nightclub and had to buy a new one.

Which highlights the one big problem that has come of all this.

I appear to have become determined to lose all of my friends.

See, you throw away your phone, you throw away your sim and memory cards too.

Which means you have to ask people to give you back their numbers.

Which is fine, IF you haven't become such a grumpy old curmudgeon that no-one actually wants you to have their number anymore.

Because the thing is, if you continuously get really drunk and tell everyone to fuck off, eventually they actually do just fuck off.

And why wouldn't they?

I would.

So, the way things are going, I won't have any friends left by the end of the year. I am currently not talking to at least two of my very best friends, and neither of those are about to be sorted anytime soon, and a good few recent good friends aren't talking to me, and most of my not so good friends just can't be bothered with me anymore.

"Oh boo fucking hoo, Axl."

Yeah, that's pretty much the appropriate response, because virtually all of this is my own stupid fault.

And none of it's about to change anytime soon.

So come new year's, I'll probably be doing exactly what I'm doing now.

Listening to Tom Waits and writing some pathetic little self pitying blog post about my stupid little life.

Hmmm... I don't really like the sound of that. Maybe I should just stop being such a dick instead.

We'll see.