Right Said Fred...

...were pretty great really, weren't they?

Tim Exile Is AMAZING.

And he deserves a knighthood for his services to AWESOME.

My Dream Job.

I've decided that my dream job would be to become an inventor of new and interesting ideas for band merchandise. I reckon I'd be really good at it. I've come up with some ideas, and I would appreciate it if you let me know what you think of them, coz I'm thinking of going on Dragon's Den's next series to try and get some funding. Here are my ideas so far:

For Spiritualized - 'Spiritual Eyes'.

'Spiritual Eyes' are contact lenses that when placed upon the eyes make everything look like it's a ghost.

For Radiohead - 'Radio Heads.'

DAB Radios that look like each band members head. They would have open mouths where the sound would come out.

For Godspeed You! Black Emperor - 'Untitled Toy'

You know those toy cars that you pull back and let go and they drive off? Well, this would be like one of those, only instead of it being a car, it would be a figurine of a man who is an emperor. And black. And when you've pulled back and let go, it moves really fucking quickly (at the speed of God if you like).

For Sweep The Leg Johnny - 'Leg Broom.'

The leg broom would be just like a regular broom, but the staff would be fashioned to look like a leg, and the bristles of the broom would protrude from the bottom of a shoe at the end of the leg.

For TEETH!!! - 'False TEETH!!!'

'False TEETH!!!' would basically be a porcelain figurine of the band at a gig. There would be a button on the base of the figurine that when pressed would cause a recording of a TEETH!!! song to play, but the recording would be of ANOTHER band covering TEETH!!! rather than the original itself.

For Portishead - 'PortaSheds.'

Like a portaloo, but a shed.

For Youthmovies - 'Youth Movies.'

Did you ever see the film 'Son Of Rambow'? If not, you should. It's great. Anyway, in it some kids film their own recreation of the film 'Rambo'. This idea is basically stolen from that. Famous films, remade starring only kids. Alongside a remake of Bugsy Malone starring only adults.

For The Young Knives - 'Young Knives.'

Safety knives for kids.

For Holy Fuck - 'The Holy Fuck.'

Sex dolls made to look like famous religious figures.

For The Dubliners - 'Dubliners.'

Basically what would happen is, I would take someones copy/copies of any album/s anyone had by The Dubliners, smash them up, and give the person a copy of James Joyce's 'Dubliners' to read instead, because its far far better than anything that shite band have ever done.

For Yeasayer - 'Naysayer.'

An album of covers of Yeasayer songs by people who don't like Yeasayer.

(And before anyone says anything, I DO like Yeasayer.)

That's what I've got so far. What do you reckon?

Blog Post.

This blog has been rather malnourished of late, resorted to feeding off the tidbits of others, and I'm afraid this post will not be any different, as I'm just going to type up a page of a book I was reading on the loo. My poo was pretty unpleasant and this page made it all worthwhile and I laughed very hard. It's from a book called 'Am I Alone In Thinking...? Unpublished Letters To The Daily Telegraph.' and it goes a little something like this:

'DID YOUR MANSERVANT PACK THIS BAG HIMSELF?

SIR - I find it intensely humiliating to be asked by airport security staff if I have packed my own bag. This forces one to admit, usually within earshot of others, that I no longer have a manservant to do the chore for me.

Gentlemen should be able to answer such questions with a disdainful: "Of course not! Do I look like that sort of person?"

Arthur W.J.G Ord-Hume

Guildford, Surrey

SIR - It was with astonishment that I read your correspondent's claim that one doesn't throw bottles at one's servants in what he describes as a "regularly organised society". No doubt his domestic arrangements lack a certain je ne sais quoi, but he may take it from an old hand that a well-trained servant is virtually impossible to hit with a missile, however expertly aimed.

My own butler, for instance, is renowned for his fielding of the empty decanters I occasionally hurl at his head while fuming over my Daily Telegraph.

Glyn Palmer

Whitwell, Nottinghamshire'

I hope you enjoyed page 26 of this book as much as I did. I have a sudden urge to write letters to people.

Instead, I should probably start writing this blog a bit more properly. That would probably be a good idea, no?