An Anonymous Diana Vickers Fan Speaks Out!

Check this out! It's a comment that was left on my Diana Vickers post I did the other day:

Anonymous said...

Are you really THAT stupid?? The song is about killing LOVE, .. NOT, I Repeat, NOT about killing as in dead.

Furthermore,.. do your frigging homework, .. It is documented virtually everywhere, that the song was written by Cathy Dennis and Eg White. If you don't know 'this', and not prepared to find out, but are fully prepared to malign someone, you really shouldn't be posting this crap.

26 May 2010 06:19:00 GMT+01:00

I felt I should reply to this person and their comment, so this is that reply:

Wow. SO much to work with here. Let's go.

Firstly, OH MY GOD, IT'S ABOUT LOVE?! WHAT?! REALLY?! O-M-FUCKING-GEEEEEEE!!!

Of course I know it's about love, in the same way that Cheryl Cole's 'Parachute' is about love along with about a ton of other shitty little songs. What I'm doing is removing the metaphorical aspect to highlight the poorly conceived and dreadfully written trash that passes for so many song lyrics. I could write a song that said something like: 'When you're caving in, I'll be your steel girder, I'll support your weight.' Now, that is a poignant statement about how when the one that I love has so much going on emotionally that they feel they can't cope with it all, I will be there to help support them in their time of need. However, you may have noticed that it is a statement told as a really fucking terrible metaphor. Just because something that is written is written about love, doesn't make it good, especially if when taken literally it is a fucking stupid statement to make, like 'I'm only gonna let you kill me once' is. (I would also pick apart the Cheryl Cole's 'Parachute' lyrics now, but presumably you will have done your frigging homework and found that I already wrote a blog post about that.)

Secondly,.. what,.. the Hell, .. is all,.. 'this', .. about?? Do you, .. like,.. understand punctuation, .. and what the point of it is,.. at all??

Thirdly, you say it is documented 'virtually everywhere' that Cathy Dennis and Eg White wrote the song. Really? I think you're wrong about this. I had a look in the glove compartment of my girlfriend's car and there was nothing about it in there. I received a bank statement the other day and there was no mention of songwriters in among the details of the money coming into and going out of my account. I read the play 'Translations' by Brian Friel recently and didn't find one mention of Cathy Dennis or Eg White in this interesting portrayal of 19th Century Ireland during the time that the English were recording and rendering into English all the traditional Gaelic place names. There was no reference to it in the 'Lost' season finale, or in fact in any of the episodes leading up to it for that matter. I haven't seen anything about it on the news. There was nothing stating this fact on the wrapper of the 'Snickers' bar I ate yesterday. Have I sufficiently made my point yet?

Now piss off and never darken my blogspot again, you simpleton.

I'm On A Roll.

Well, more specifically, I can't sleep.

My sleep pattern is erratic at the best of times, but last night I couldn't sleep coz I was so bloody HOT, and now I can't sleep coz I'm used to it or whatever, so instead of endlessly clicking websites in a half awake daze to find that yet again nothing has happened or changed, I'm going to write about notes. The theory is that this might be quite fun, and I'm a bit nervous because I'm probably going to be reading out a poem I wrote about someone being raped to my class tomorrow (and no, it's not a comedy poem).

See, I write these little notes and quotes on little bits of paper, shove them in my back pocket and forget about them, so here are some of the delights of my scraps.

Let's see...

* "You raise me up... in the pants!" Craig said that once and it made me laugh. Can't remember the context, but it still makes me chuckle.

* "Smoking & crying."

* "It smells like me." No. No idea what these are about.

* "Woman after 'Aerobics music', then waits for a lift to go up one flight of stairs." Yep. This happened in the shop. It struck me as remarkable that someone who had just been going on at me for ages about how they were after rhythmic music that they could exercise to, would then be lazy enough to not be bothered to walk up one flight of stairs. Maybe she can only do physical activities with a thumping soundtrack, who knows?

* "Woman thinks Cary Grant lives round the corner from her." Ah, another shop anecdote. On the counter in my department, we had some Cary Grant dvd boxsets on sale. A woman and a man came up to the counter and she pointed at the picture of Cary Grant, turned to her friend and told him that Cary Grant lives round the corner from her. Considering the fact that Cary Grant died in 1986, I'm pretty sure she was talked total bollocks.

* "Debate over. Makeover. Masturbate over." This was me trying to work out something for a poem. It didn't get used as it is, but it did prove pretty useful.

* "YOUTHMOVIES - THE FINAL EVER GIG" Not a note, just found the gig ticket. *sigh* I miss them.

* This one's a phone number I don't recognise.

* "Short baby, but I don't have the paper." Wow. This is a misheard quote from years ago. Back when I used to make music on my Playstation, I used this for the title of one of the tapes I made. I have no idea why I wrote it down again tho.

* Shopping lists, listening lists, wish lists.

* "Take a leaf out of my book, put it in your book, we'll have a mixed leaf book. Prince Charles made love to a man, but the man had a horses head. I hate the sound of children singing, I used to be one and I hated it then." Hmmm... Can't remember what this was about, but I remember writing it years ago. It must be years ago coz just above it is a note to burn some cd's for Rhyannon (how long's she been back in America now?), which I don't think I ever got round to doing. (Sorry Rhyannon.) Not sure why that's in this pile of notes as it's much older than the others.

That's it for this pile. Are there any more around? Not that I can get to easily.

Well, that was vaguely enjoyable for me even if it wasn't for you, so I make no apologies.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

Dear Diana Vickers...

...did you write your song 'Once'? I ask ask because I'm pretty sure I read in an interview with you in a magazine that you write your own songs. Now, I seem to remember that in this interview you came across as a pretty intelligent person, yet you so proudly sing in this song that:

'I'm only gonna let you kill me once.'

Now, I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but it pretty much only takes once. Being murdered isn't really a more than one time deal, I'm afraid. It's kind of final like that. The person you are singing to won't need to kill you a second time because, well, kind of because that's sort of impossible, and if there was a chance that this person did kill you and you came back to life, you would at the very least... you know what, I've lost where I'm going with this. It's a stupid fucking lyric. That's all.

Oh Yeah, I Have A Blog.

So, my relationship with this blog has been somewhat... well... a bit rubbish really over the last few months. I don't really know why, but I appear to have got into a cycle where I don't really know what to write on it anymore, and when I do know what to write I either forget to write or can never put it together properly.

This means that I haven't written about things like that week in December when I went to two of the best gigs I have ever been to, the first of which was Sunn O))) at Koko which was phenomenal and unlike anything else I've experienced (and I've seen Sunn O))) before), the second of which was Spiritualized performing the 'Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space BP' album at the Barbican which was quite possibly not just the greatest gig I've ever been to but possibly the best thing ever full stop. That album is pretty much my favourite album of all time, and to see it performed so fucking perfectly was just overwhelming and incredible and more than I can say.

I didn't do my albums of the year list that I always do, although this is also partly because I still can't decide if my favourite album of 2009 was 'Xerrox Vol.2' by Alva Noto or 'Listening Tree' by Tim Exile. It's definitely one of those two, I just can't decide which because I think they are both just so phenomenal.

I was going to do a films of 2009 post aswell, but a) couldn't get my act together to do that either, and b) was worried that at least 2 people who read this blog would scream all the air out of their lungs in disgust at the fact that my favourite film of 2009 was 'Let The Right One In.' I was also going to say semi-controversial things like how I think that Michelle Williams' absolutely heartbreaking performance in 'Synecdoche: New York' proves that she is one of the best and most underrated actresses working in films today. I was probably also going to gush about how good Sam Rockwell is and how much I loved 'Moon.' There were a lot of films I loved in 2009.

I didn't write about my first ever proper spoken word gig I was booked for earlier this month which went surprisingly well actually. There are video clips that Gen took, so we'll get those up on YouTube soon hopefully and then you can see for yourselves.

I was going to do a post about dreadful band names because MTV did some list of the worst band names ever, which quite frankly was a bit rubbish and was mostly made up of bands with just bad names. Few of them were in the truly terrible band name realms of 'Agoraphobic Nosebleed' or 'Boys Like Girls.' However, I lost the post which somehow seemed to just vanish into the electronic ether.

ANYWAY, I could go on like this for ages. Enough of what shoulda woulda coulda (who did that song? Was it Beverly Knight?), let's get this thing going again Axl, yeah? Well, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try.

Although I am moving house next month, so it may not be back to the former glory days just yet. I'll have a go and we'll see what happens, yeah?

Right Said Fred...

...were pretty great really, weren't they?

Tim Exile Is AMAZING.

And he deserves a knighthood for his services to AWESOME.

My Dream Job.

I've decided that my dream job would be to become an inventor of new and interesting ideas for band merchandise. I reckon I'd be really good at it. I've come up with some ideas, and I would appreciate it if you let me know what you think of them, coz I'm thinking of going on Dragon's Den's next series to try and get some funding. Here are my ideas so far:

For Spiritualized - 'Spiritual Eyes'.

'Spiritual Eyes' are contact lenses that when placed upon the eyes make everything look like it's a ghost.

For Radiohead - 'Radio Heads.'

DAB Radios that look like each band members head. They would have open mouths where the sound would come out.

For Godspeed You! Black Emperor - 'Untitled Toy'

You know those toy cars that you pull back and let go and they drive off? Well, this would be like one of those, only instead of it being a car, it would be a figurine of a man who is an emperor. And black. And when you've pulled back and let go, it moves really fucking quickly (at the speed of God if you like).

For Sweep The Leg Johnny - 'Leg Broom.'

The leg broom would be just like a regular broom, but the staff would be fashioned to look like a leg, and the bristles of the broom would protrude from the bottom of a shoe at the end of the leg.

For TEETH!!! - 'False TEETH!!!'

'False TEETH!!!' would basically be a porcelain figurine of the band at a gig. There would be a button on the base of the figurine that when pressed would cause a recording of a TEETH!!! song to play, but the recording would be of ANOTHER band covering TEETH!!! rather than the original itself.

For Portishead - 'PortaSheds.'

Like a portaloo, but a shed.

For Youthmovies - 'Youth Movies.'

Did you ever see the film 'Son Of Rambow'? If not, you should. It's great. Anyway, in it some kids film their own recreation of the film 'Rambo'. This idea is basically stolen from that. Famous films, remade starring only kids. Alongside a remake of Bugsy Malone starring only adults.

For The Young Knives - 'Young Knives.'

Safety knives for kids.

For Holy Fuck - 'The Holy Fuck.'

Sex dolls made to look like famous religious figures.

For The Dubliners - 'Dubliners.'

Basically what would happen is, I would take someones copy/copies of any album/s anyone had by The Dubliners, smash them up, and give the person a copy of James Joyce's 'Dubliners' to read instead, because its far far better than anything that shite band have ever done.

For Yeasayer - 'Naysayer.'

An album of covers of Yeasayer songs by people who don't like Yeasayer.

(And before anyone says anything, I DO like Yeasayer.)

That's what I've got so far. What do you reckon?

Blog Post.

This blog has been rather malnourished of late, resorted to feeding off the tidbits of others, and I'm afraid this post will not be any different, as I'm just going to type up a page of a book I was reading on the loo. My poo was pretty unpleasant and this page made it all worthwhile and I laughed very hard. It's from a book called 'Am I Alone In Thinking...? Unpublished Letters To The Daily Telegraph.' and it goes a little something like this:

'DID YOUR MANSERVANT PACK THIS BAG HIMSELF?

SIR - I find it intensely humiliating to be asked by airport security staff if I have packed my own bag. This forces one to admit, usually within earshot of others, that I no longer have a manservant to do the chore for me.

Gentlemen should be able to answer such questions with a disdainful: "Of course not! Do I look like that sort of person?"

Arthur W.J.G Ord-Hume

Guildford, Surrey

SIR - It was with astonishment that I read your correspondent's claim that one doesn't throw bottles at one's servants in what he describes as a "regularly organised society". No doubt his domestic arrangements lack a certain je ne sais quoi, but he may take it from an old hand that a well-trained servant is virtually impossible to hit with a missile, however expertly aimed.

My own butler, for instance, is renowned for his fielding of the empty decanters I occasionally hurl at his head while fuming over my Daily Telegraph.

Glyn Palmer

Whitwell, Nottinghamshire'

I hope you enjoyed page 26 of this book as much as I did. I have a sudden urge to write letters to people.

Instead, I should probably start writing this blog a bit more properly. That would probably be a good idea, no?

I Just Remembered How Amazing I Think This Is.

More Axl's Adventures In An Open Mic Night (Chester Arms, Oxford, 08/03/10)

Someone took a video of me doing my poetry thang at the Chester Arms open mic night on Monday, so here it is. Well, most of it. It missed off the first couple of short ones, but just for you, I will type them down anyway.

Lion

Hello Lion,

we meet again.

Can I cuddle your mane?

You can if you like,

but I might take a bite

out of you and then you might complain.

Chicken

Never tweak

a chicken's beak

or she'll speak in tongues

and steal your wallet

right out of your pocket.

And the rest are on this here video doohickey! The first one I'm reading in this clip is called

5 Minutes With The Beatles and the rest are given their titles as I read them.

You'll probably hate it, but whatever. Everyone there seemed to really like it and I'm proud of that.

P.S. I have no idea who that mad cackling woman is. She put me off a couple of times. It was annoying.

P.P.S. MASSIVE thanks to Xander for videoing this.